Teenagers- Help badly needed

[AuntieMeemz]

Please help- I just can't cope with my daughter anymore. She is 13, top of everything in school but awful at home. The main issue is that she crticises and snipes at EVERYTHING I say or do. When I ask her to stop/tell her to stop/tell her she shouldn't- she is upset, bursts into tears, , gets angry, tells me she hates her life and her family. It is ALL ALWAYS apparently my fault, I am the trouble maker. I have no right to point out that she is being rude or disrepectul.
I'm probably an average mum, but have clear ideas that her and DS should do the chores they get pocket money for, at a time of day that helps me to do what I need to do. I set great store by kindess and fairness. I go out of my way to be fair, generous and kind. I get that teenagers can't really do this, but i do think there should be mutual standards.
DH backs me up, but is on medication so a bit 'dull' a lot of the time. He can barely think for himself and has to be reminded of absoltuely everything.
DS is mildly autistic and has to be chased for an hour to get up, another to get to bed by midnight, and dozens if times for everything else in between.
I am literally at breaking point. I just want to leave!

When I make time for DD- in case she thinks DS gets more attention, she literally shuts the door in my face, dismisses any attempt at conversation, laughs outright at any suggestion of doing anything together. When her friend comes around, DS just can't wait to get rid of me and 'dismisses' me in a tone that makes me want to weep.
No point in trying to enlist DH support, he just forgets unless I keep reminding him.

Can I ask you what is your DH on medication for? If it is an illness that the children know about she could be masking her fear of the illness by being angry and upset with you as he cant be upset with her father because he is ill. She may be acting out due to be frightened of the change in her father and not a full understanding of the illness, add that to hormones and you have a perfect storm. For context when my daughter hit 14 I thought the devil had taken her over and the change in her was acute. At times I just wanted to pack my bags and leave, I felt I was the worst mother in the world as my daughter was so horrific to me. I used to hide in my bedroom and not speak or see her for hours and just hated her....that sounds awful doesn't it? We got through this and now at 22 she is my best friend and we adore each other. Just see if your daughter is frightened or if she is being bullied at school...all these things can have an affect.

Sounds like you're trying TOO hard with her and the power balance is too much in her favour when she's just 13 year old hormonal child.

It's normal for teens to think badly about their parents, want to start arguments, and want to be separate from parents/family and do their own thing. If she creates drama/gets upset over nothing, just ignore her and let her calm down in her own time. It's the attention you're giving her that she's feeding from. She's seeing how much her behaviour is impacting you and that you're looking for her approval (which gives her a lot of power) so she therefore continues to wind you up. You and DH are the parents, she's just a child and you're not there to be her friend. If she's not kind/respectful, stop giving her pocket money and treats. If she doesn't want to go to things, stop making any deal about it, and you and rest of the family go ahead with your plans.

What illness does your DH have? It sounds like essentially you are a single parent now.
Do you resent your DH for the way he is? But you can't express your annoyance with him.
Could some of that pent-up ness be reflected in your application of the rules with the teens? If your DH 'can hardly think for himself' you obviously have to be quite controlling with him.
Most teens rebel against control, most have to be asked several times to do things. They often respond better if given some flexibility in how or when they can do the task. You have to pick your battles wisely.
Your DD may be feeling insecure if she has 'lost' her Dad due to his illness.

Also, there is some loneliness reflected in your post. You may want to be closer to your DD but she seems to be rejecting this closeness. Hence you feel rejected.
But also remember any teen is in a very changable transition process, but you are staying the same.
By all means ask your DD not to speak to you disrespectfully because you, like anyone, deserve to be spoken to with respect. She will get the message eventually. Above all, do not take her reactions to you personally.
Also, watch the tone of your voice and try to keep it consistent. If you sound angry or upset then your teen may be worried you do not like them and may react defensively.

You are the adult, take back control, be firm that you will not tolerate this behaviour, no friends over if she speaks to you like that, no phone, no finance etc

I think you are doing great!
My daughter has just turned 14 and is stroppy, moody, hates life, me and everybody else quite a lot of the time :)
As long as you try to be consistent with your rules and boundaries you will get there..I tell myself this every day when I have to resist the urge to jump in the car and just keep driving:)
I will say, in the last few months she has improved, less tantrums and a few more sensible conversations..its still tough, but I can see a chink of the daughter I hoped to raise..so will you, just try and take time out, and know you are doing your best x

Maybe you need to disengage a little from her drama. I think that you can sometimes give teenagers too much attention and that in some ways validates the way they behave.

Thank you all for such kind and understanding replies. I was so comforted too, by how many people just felt like packing their bags. I really,really did feel I wanted to just leave yesterday.
DHhas always had brain damage and mental illness, but a while ago, changed medication because I just couldn't stand the constant nervous twitching, squirming, face pawing. He is now reducing this medication in the hope of trying something else. He does work full time and is a very brave and loving man. He looks to me as his connection with reality, so he is always following me, asking me questions etc. When he is at home, he is often asleep after work, and at weekends he doesn't get up until mid afternoon. He will back me up if I give him a signal, but otherwise, whatever he has agreed to, he simply forgets.

I recommend reading Never Let Go by Suzanne Alderson. Literally changed my outlook and improved my relationship with my stroppy teenager overnight. It's about partnering rather than parenting.

Is it possible that your DD feels that - because of her dad's illness and her brother's ASD - more is expected of her than of a normal teenager?

My DD19 has had years of poor mental health and one thing that has come out of conversations with her psychiatrist is that she feels she was expected to grow up too soon (dad with poor mental health, and younger brother).

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you and for her. If you can find someone outside your household that she can talk to, that might help?