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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I almost cheated

18 replies

NCAshamed · 29/12/2020 17:33

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I've name changed because I am very aware that this makes me a horrible person.

Me and DH have been together 10 years and initially had very similar sex drives. DH is 6 years older than me so not a huge gap. He then became less interested in sex as the initial spark fizzled a bit but I didn't. Rather than be a reasonable person I toyed with the idea of an affair. Over the course of a couple of years I went from playing with the idea to speaking to strangers online. At one point I'd got as far as arranging a meet up with a stranger.

First and foremost DH obviously didn't deserve me behaving this way. If it was that big a deal for me I should have just left him. Secondly this would have been horrendously dangerous, I was a young woman meeting a stranger at a hotel. Thankfully I saw sense and cancelled.

This is all around 7 years ago now, we are both happy (I think). We have a wonderful son who is 1 and although my sex drive is still a little higher than DHs it's not something I think about often and I certainly don't chat up strangers online anymore.

I do often feel guilty though, DH has no idea that this ever happened. He worked long hours and I was often home alone so he was never suspicious about me being on my phone or anything like that. I knew what I'd done and I still agreed to marry him, married him and then had a child with him without being honest.

I feel like I should tell him but I don't want to risk ripping us apart for DSs sake and selfishly mine too. I've just made such a mess of it and if I could grab my younger self and give her a slap I would.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 29/12/2020 17:41

I’m all for honesty in a relationship, but in your case I can’t see what it would gain, for either of you, other than salving your conscience.

This is one you have to take on the chin and own the guilt. If you’d actually gone ahead with your plans then my answer would be different.

User8673342566 · 29/12/2020 17:53

It's not a great thing to do but you weren't married and you didn't go through with it. I think we all do things in life that make us aware of how horridly human and imperfect we are. I hate infidelity, I hate lying. But I believe you should forgive yourself for this. You were a different person then and you learned from it. Therefore , it served its purpose. There's nothing to be gained from telling your husband, although if my husband told me of something like this I would ultimately forgive him, but it would always be there. It really is up to you if you tell him, but if you love him and are committed to him now then I would just focus on that.

crestar · 29/12/2020 18:05

I don't think there is anything to be gained by telling him.

I disagree with the above poster about 'but you weren't married' - you were clearly in a serious relationship so the marriage comment is irrelevant in my opinion.

The fact that you didn't go through with it and presumably weren't emotionally involved in anyway means you should simply forget about it and move on.

Original poster
NCAshamed · 29/12/2020 19:49

Thanks for the reply's. Sorry it's been a busy evening. I don't think being married Is here nor there. We lived together and he had every reason to assume I was faithful. I just don't know if telling him is hurting him more than not telling him. If that makes sense?

I was not emotionally involved with any of the people I spoke to it was just casual sex I was considering.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 29/12/2020 19:53

Just forget it. Nothing happened.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2020 20:06

It would be incredibly selfish to tell him. You would be hurting him to ease your own conscience.

Original poster
NCAshamed · 29/12/2020 20:23

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It would be incredibly selfish to tell him. You would be hurting him to ease your own conscience.
I think that's why I posted, I wanted to make sure that there's no benefit to DH of me being honest. Should he be given all the information to make his mind up about me? If that's not the case then I'll keep shtum
OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 29/12/2020 22:59

Your punishment is your guilt, you have suffered enough. There is nothing to gain by confessing. Learn from it.

crapmumalertttttttt · 29/12/2020 23:30

I think you should tell him.

CausingChaos2 · 30/12/2020 00:42

All I can see that would come from it would be him feeling hurt and unable to trust you. Can you be trusted? If so, spare him the anguish.

LimpidPools · 30/12/2020 00:49

What would he gain from knowing? Pain? Insecurity? If you were ever going to tell him, it needed to be 7 years ago. Before the wedding and the child.

Nothing actually happened. You were tempted, but ultimately you resisted. You can feel a shudder of relief that you never went through with it, and then you really need to let it go and forgive yourself.

partyatthepalace · 30/12/2020 01:24

OP - you need to let this go,

You are human and you made mistakes. It was not a great thing to do but it does not make you a horrible person years later.

I am all for honesty but not when the only result would be hurt - in this case it would hurt all 3 of you, and if you broke up it would have a v long term effect on your son.

Glad you are happy now. Forgive yourself an d let the past go.

StarlightLady · 30/12/2020 08:16

“The past is a foreign country and they do things differently there” EM Forster.

Relax and move on. Stop worrying about what you didn’t do.

StarlightLady · 30/12/2020 09:34

With special thanks to the MNetter who pointed out l had my knickers in a twist regarding my authors. It was, of course LP Hartley not Forster. The sentiments however, remain the same.

Original poster
NCAshamed · 30/12/2020 11:40

@StarlightLady I wouldn't have known. I'm not that highbrow I'm afraid.

I can absolutely see what you're all saying. I don't think I'll say anything. I don't want to be responsible for ruining DS's life. That being said I do think DH would forgive me but that feels like an unnecessary burden to put on him. I think had I gone through with it either I would have told him or the guilt would have driven me to leave. I can't be sure though.

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 30/12/2020 12:22

Say nothing op and try to forgive yourself.

StarlightLady · 30/12/2020 12:45

OP, let me put it another way. There would be no benefit to anyone in telling him. Your hormones were bubbling, you considered a path and then changed your mind. The matter is closed.

Preggo100 · 30/12/2020 21:46

I did EXACTLY this and told my DH after he proposed to me (the next day actually... Very dramatic)
I was convinced at the time that he needed to forgive me before he could marry me, which he did and we are perfectly happy but honestly it was only appropriate because of the timing.
Essentially I gave him a choice - he could choose to still marry me or not. Your husband can't make that choice now and there is so much to lose as you have a child together.
I would honestly leave it in the past

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