Getting so pissed of with husband. Are my expectations reasonable

[Screwcorona]

I'm just massively struggling with marriage at the moment.

Husband is on 2weeks xmas holidays from work and hes just in the living room 24/7.
He wont go anywhere at all, with me or without me. Certainly wont take our son out anywhere.

I'm getting no break from him or my son. I go out the house every day with my son so he gets time alone to play playstation.

He thinks it's fine to do nothing all the time but the lack of even doing anything with me is making me feel miserable and unloved.

When I married him he went skating and surfing with me, mountain biking hiking etc, lots of outdoor fun. Now it is literally nothing and I'm miserable.

I feel trapped, weve got a 2yr old and one due may. I want to make this work but i dont want a lazy boring husband.

Theres a pandemic, you're not supposed to be going out...
Plus he's on a break, let him relax how he wants

Yeah my OH has always been like that. Fast forward 19yrs and I no longer incorporate him into our family plans. I go off with our kids and leave him to it. Get out sooner rather than later.

@AlmostAJillSandwich I mean outside in nature..like surfing skating walking biking etc. We live cornwall so dont need to drive to do any of this

He sounds really really boring and selfish. As if he's checked out of family life already. Sorry.

@pepsicolagirl I'm thinking that leaving might be the best option. I really dont want it to be though. It was only a few years ago he suddenly got lazy and disinterested.

Always was really exciting to be with before that. Totally sucks for me as I feel like I've be lured in by a better looking johnny Knoxville, who's turned into homer Simpson! 😅

Jokes aside its depressing

I'll go surfing with you OP, the wind's finally dropping a bit this week.

What do you mean he won't go? He refuses?

Re getting a break - how about going out without your son, jogging or whatever?

I'm concerned as well that if we split the children wont be properly looked after..I do everything despite him being asked to. When I leave our son with him he doesnt feed him, give him water or change his nappy unless I ring him to remind him, so I cant go out for long. He just watches tv or plays playstation.

I'm really in a mess with this. I wish he had shown me this side of him before we had our son

@Hangingover aw thanks! It's been wild. I have got friends who go do things with me when it's not covid times...its just that I figure I married my best friend who did this with me before.

How much weed does he smoke?

@ravenmum yes he flat out refuses.

I do go out and do things but surely everyone should get some time at home. I just think it should work both ways. I go out with our son so husband has a break at home, surely he should too. I'd like to watch tv for an hour without being mythered once in a while

Would he actually want to have your children for any time if you split? If he’s that lazy and uninterested that you literally have to phone him to make him give them a drink, then I can see him fighting you for access. He sounds awful and life with him will be miserable and a bad example of a relationship/family for your children. Sorry to be rude but was the second one planned? Because I’m a bit astounded that you would intentionally have another child with someone who is such an awful father that the child is literally neglected when he’s in charge What would happen if you had an accident and went to hospital suddenly? It sounds like the child would actually be in reasonable danger of coming to harm in his care...think on that OP. It’s really not ok! That’s without getting started on him being basically full and unattractive to be married to. He is either an incapable or intentionally neglectful father. That’s the main problem here!

@MrsDeadlock

How much weed does he smoke?

Where does it say he smokes weed?

OP has he always played the PlayStation? Is this maybe become something of an addiction or a way of copping out off life? If you say down and explained all you have said here would he take it on board and make changes?

@mrsdeadlock he doesnt, he just smokes roll up tobacco and drinks about half a case of Budweiser on a saturday.

Have you talked to him about it? What dis he say?

@SnailortheWhale no second one is not planned

@ApolloandDaphne he gets very into games, sometimes a game on his phone, or playstation and it gets a bit obsessive. In the normal working week it's not too terrible. But it's all he wants to do on his days off. Which is fair enough when you're single, not really as a husband and father.

@Palavah yes. The last few days I've ended up having a bit of a go about this. It started off as trying to discuss with him how I feel and that I dont want to carry on like this. His response is 'I'm fine' to most of this.

I'm very likely more emotional about it as im pregnant and hormonal. I dont feel like I'm being irrational though. I just want to feel like hes interested, cares about me and wants to do things with me. Doesnt need to be every single day.

OP- just another perspective, have you considered that he may be suffering from some minor depression, or poor mental health? For a personality change like that, and especially one that presents as lethargy, lack of interest in life etc- it really does sound like he could be struggling. I absolutely understand how frustrating it is for you; living with someone with depression can be exceptional hard, and you do need to look after your own mental health too. But before you write him off as ‘lazy’ (even if that’s how it’s presenting) may be worth you trying to tease out more from him?
Good luck - and do keeping doing what you need to do to keep yourself healthy- if you need to support a partner through a tough time you must be well yourself (fix your own mask first etc...) xx

Its so difficult dealing with issues with him as he totally shuts down when we talk about it. (We dont discuss any of this in the same room as our son)

I've managed to get out of him the he will think about things he would enjoy doing with me this week so that we can plan to do fun things together, which is an absolute minimum we need to work on. Has warned me that he might forget though 🤔 I've told him that if he forgets then we're going to need to separate.

This is really not what I want. I went into marriage meaning its forever

@Firsttimecatlady I'm not sure. When we had problems early this year I asked him, and his mum did too as she wondered if he was depressed. But he said he isnt. I've just asked him again and he says hes not. I cant write that off though as he might just not recognise it or be too proud to say he does feel depressed.

If you did split up, you'd at least get some time for yourself while the children are at his. It doesn't sound like you'd be losing much, as he doesn't do anything with your son now. So the time that you have with your son (and future baby) will be much the same, as you're doing everything anyway. Then you'd get a break when it's his time to have them. And when they're older you can take them surfing and mountain biking with you. Good luck xx

@AlmostAJillSandwich

Theres a pandemic, you're not supposed to be going out... Plus he's on a break, let him relax how he wants

So you think the OP should do absolutely everything while he relaxes all day and night?

I really understand that situation- and it’s so frustrating. It’s not uncommon for someone who is suffering depression to not recognize it, or if they suspect, to not want to acknowledge it- it’s a pretty scary thing for many to admit to.
And of course, it doesn’t excuse the effect it’s having on you- it may just explain it a little.
You also don’t have to continue to live with it, if he simply won’t accept there’s any problem or enter into any dialogue. I’d just caution around any out and out ‘end of marriage’ right now- I’d explain to him his behaviour will have consequences, and follow through with what you feel is right for you, but maybe consider what you ask of him to be proportionate to what might be going on for him right now. So- can he commit to starting a more open dialogue, seeking help from a third party, being honest about his change in behaviour etc? Its probably unlikely that he’s going to be able to ‘snap back’ to his old self straight away so he’s destined to fail that one.

This, of course, is all based on the (pretty big!) assumption that he’s struggling and having issues with his mental health- only your gut can tell you if you think it’s that.
It may be that this is actually who he really is- the ‘old him’ was a false version (to win you / easy relationship performance stuff??) In which case- he just needs telling very straight!!