Spending time with their dad

[ThatWeirdWeek]

Ex and I have 3 DC (10, 12 & 15). We separated 8 years ago. We both have long term partners and young DC.

We used to have 50/50 shared care until 5 years ago when he moved to a town 4 hours away to live with his current partner.

He used to see our DC every other weekend. A gruelling drive for all over two days. This became sporadic and he would let them down at the last minute, bring them back early (if they were staying for holidays) or cancel outright. The DC spent a lot of time in tears and went through real emotional turmoil during this time and after 6 months of it I stopped contact.

He has refused to speak to me directly more or less since he left so all communication is done either my me emailing him (he refuses to reply) or through DC which is something I find unacceptable. I think it puts a lot of stress on the DC.

After 6 months of not hearing from him for the DC’s sake I decided to try restarting contact if he could agree to commit to his time with them and communicate with me directly rather than via DC.

He agreed to speak to me. He said he now works on Saturdays. He requested that he would collect them on Friday night after work at 9pm so he could save on maintenance and spend the money on DC... I said I wasn’t happy as it was too late, they wouldn’t be arriving at his house until midnight and it would mean him doing an 8 hour drive after working all day.

I suggested me driving to meet him part of the way on a Friday night once a month (saving travel time for him and meaning it would be so late for D.C.) and then two weeks later he could come here and spend the day with them. He said no. He says he also won’t collect them on Saturdays anymore as he works every other Saturday for a few hours.

Stalemate. I’m really trying to compromise and he just wants it his way or nothing. I don’t feel it’s safe driving with them so late on a Friday after working all day. They’re exhausted enough with school let alone that on top twice a month.

Aibu?

YANBU.

I understand your desire for your children to have a relationship with their father but none of this sounds like it benefits the children.

He doesn't sound particularly desperate to see them to say the least if 6 months have passed without contact.

I'd leave things as they are and if he chooses to take things further via the courts take it from there.

What do the DC think?

Is there a contact order in place or has it been informally agreed up til now?

I wouod leave it you have been more than reasonable and taking them for the odd weekend doesn't reduce maintenance

You shouldn't be the one making all the effort. He just doesn't sound interested.
If they want to see him they can when they grow up.
My 1st husband didn't see his son until he was 16 when I had a request for him to visit, my son went, it was totally his decision. He wasn't impressed.
He still sees him but not on a regular basis, he went over there one Christmas and got spring rolls and salad, his father is chaotic to say the least and hoards as well.

Thanks all. There’s no contact order in place, I would like there to be and I also think we would benefit from mediation which he refuses to do.

The contact order wouldn’t prevent him from letting them down though and it would be expensive which is why I’ve been hesitant. My solicitor said I can’t force him to spend time with them.

DC said they’d be happiest with my offer but really they just want to see him to the point they don’t care how or when. They’d happily do his suggestion if it meant seeing him with no regard to anything else.

It feels like he just doesn’t care enough to see them and I can’t understand that.

He doesn't care, he isn't interested. You would do better to accept that and support your dc to accept it. Trying to make him see them when he doesn't want to is just messing with their heads.
Leave him be and focus on supporting your dc. Maybe look into some counselling through school or similar to help them come to terms with it.

Thank you, they have all had counselling through school which has helped a lot

He chose to move away, you are offering solutions and he is rejecting them. He cannot expect a mother to allow a ten year old to be up until midnight in a car to save dad some ££ on CM. What a pray, and 8 hour drive after work isn’t ideal either as you said, stick to your guns. If he’s refusing mediation etc, there’s not
Much you could do. Even if there was a court order no court is going to say pick them up 9pm on a Friday night. Not sure what to suggest but I wouldn’t agree to this no. Surely the money he would spend on fuel driving down and back and then down to drop them home and then back he could just stay in a budget hotel for the night and have a catch up with the boys once a month or something walk in the park some food etc and then him go back to his hotel late? What a nightmare. It doesn’t sound like he brings much to their lives to be honest xx

It’s weird because he was such a hands on dad before we separated. I just can’t get my head around it.

I also worry that this will somehow be spun around to be my fault when the DC are older. Really I want them to have a fulfilling and close relationship with their dad as I know the damage it can cause long term if they don’t have this.

I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable, I find it all confusing and sad and just wanted to get some outsider perspectives.

But, OP, a close, fulfilling relationship is fundamentally a two way, reciprocal relationship. Your ex is not remotely interested in that.
All you can do is ensure that you have documented evidence of all your communication with him. Record every solution you have offered and his refusal to engage.
Then, in future, you can prove you did your best. Your dc will cope, as long as they have you and as long as they know the truth.

The mind boggles. He called them on Christmas Day but after telling me previously he ‘never knows when he’ll be able to book holiday’ (he works in finance, normal office hours) he hasn’t even been in touch to ask about seeing them over Christmas.

He is just making excuses and hoping to blame you for lack of contact my daughters dad texted me every week for a couple of years with diarrhea as an excuse not to see his daughter its STILL my fault he never saw her again

Sounds as though he's moved on with his new family. Leave it and see if he comes back with a sensible suggestion like them staying over in the holidays. However much you want them to be close, it has to come from him and it's not happening at the moment. I wonder what his new partner thinks about it all.

I read something on MN once which has stuck with me, about a similar situation. The poster basically thought that (some) men base their relationship with their DC through the mother. When together and the relationship is positive, they're the doting dad to DC. However, when the relationship with the mother breaks, the relationship and effort with the DC also breaks. Then they move onto someone else and focus on being a doting dad to their DC (either step DC or new children who come along) seemingly able to easily forget about previous DC even if they're biologically their own. I think there was a lot of truth in this. The focus becomes the new woman/household/family unit.

As a daughter of a useless father who also couldn't be arsed, by 14 it had started to really sink in how little he gave a shit and by 16 I had made the decision to go NC. DM stopped trying to encourage contact and left that upto me to arrange once I hit 11/12. I didn't have siblings however so my decision was only mine to make. I decided to rip the plaster off early and rather than feed myself excuses (he's just busy, he's just forgetful etc), told myself the hard truth which was that he couldn't have given a shiny shit and didn't feel any need to see me, therefore I could keep effectively chasing him or take control. It seems your children haven't reached this reality yet or don't want to and I don't blame them because it hurts. But it will dawn on them eventually, maybe when they're older. In the meantime I'd encourage them to take the reins and do the organising e.g. ringing him to make plans. They'll soon realise. This isn't meant as a criticism to your DC by the way. Just my two cents.

Thank you, that makes perfect sense.

And thanks everyone for all your replies and input 💐