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Original poster

My boyfriend has been texting his ex

19 replies

MatronicO6 · 29/12/2020 12:40

To sum up the back story my boyfriend and I got together in January 2019, we were happy together until about a year in and he couldn't decide if he wanted to move in or not, he said he was happy but just didn't know. I give him time to think, 2 months and when he still didn't have answer, I broke up with him. We didn't speak for a couple of months at which point coronavirus happened and I decided to text to check he was ok, we ended up talking again and by May we met up for a walk. We stayed in conversation and ended up seeing each other again. By August the topic of moving in together came up again and he was ready, we have been happily living together since September.

I knew all along he was occasionally texting his ex, he was always quite open about their situation and break up. But I found out since that they text more often than I thought I also found out she doesn't know about me. I told him I was unhappy about this and he has agreed to tell her but wants to do so verbally rather than announcing it via text. I was fine with that but being myself I just wanted to check so I looked through his phone... The huge majority of their texts are just everyday stuff about work, nothing deep. But I found a conversation from mid July that has deeply unsettled me.

Basically he was at home in Spain for a bit, when this exchange took place, it basically involves him asking what she wants, if she wants him to wait for him and to consider his feelings. That her indecision was hurting him and that it broke his heart and soul seeing her and not being able to kiss her and knowing he will never have a child with her. So yeah... I was furious and hurt and disgusted.

But my problem is since that text we had the conversation about our relationship and decided to move in together. We have also had the conversation about her and him telling her about us which I know he has tried to do but she said was too busy to talk to him. He has told me how happy he is being with me and I am his priority but knowing he had this conversation with her has hurt me. I know we were still figuring our relationship out but still to say that to another woman after being with me for a year?

Now I don't know what to do, as I feel like I can't bring it up without telling him I went through his phone! I feel like our relationship is in a different place now and I know he intends to tell her about me. He has told me he is 100% in with me and we talk about our future and kids, but I can't unknow that he said this to her and what we may be if she said she did want him.

What should I do?

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 29/12/2020 12:59

Dump him. If you're not his number one priority then what's the point?

Redflaggs · 29/12/2020 13:36

@MatronicO6 first of all when someone writes as much as you have they are trying to convince that they shouldn't leave.

Secondly telling his ex about you doesn't take time, you and him are important the rest isn't.

Thirdly there should never be 3 people in a relationship, ex/ parents, mates etc doesn't matter.

And the most important one! You should not be comfortable about having a conversation, regardless of what it is, if it bothers you, it's probably because you know he will act a way you don't want, or his actions won't match his promises.

SVRT19674 · 29/12/2020 14:39

He isn´t over her, should he wait blah blah blah I would never have moved in with him after that, big mistake. An argentinian coworker of mine has an ex that when she goes back to her country, leaves whoever is his girlfriend in order to be free when she is near. As she doesn´t acknowledge him, when she goes back to Spain, he rekindles with the dumped twit in question or gets a new girlfriend, then the same happens the year after. Rinse and repeat. Get yourself someone who is into you 100%.

NotaCoolMum · 29/12/2020 14:39

There’s absolutely NO reason he needs to tell her in person about him being with you- he doesn’t want to do it by text- why not? Because there are obviously still emotional attachments between them. What would you tell your daughter if she was in your situation?

ahsan · 29/12/2020 14:47

That ex sounds like she isn’t into him at all think he talks to her as her rejection battered his ego and he can’t let go of it. I’d give it time if I were you if she is not interested now she never will be anyway so nothing to worry about

ahsan · 29/12/2020 14:49

His attention will eventually come onto you completely just need to be patient he will get bored texting her eventually

ahsan · 29/12/2020 14:50

Think your giving this situation more importance then it deserves

Skyla2005 · 29/12/2020 14:53

But you know if she called him wanting to get back with her he would dump you in a second ! What’s the point in being with him when you know your always be second choice

HopeAndDriftWood · 29/12/2020 14:59

His attention will eventually come onto you completely

Maybe. I definitely wouldn’t want to wait around to see. I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who had to wean themselves off someone else.

JurassicParkAha · 29/12/2020 15:19

Oh OP, he's settling for you. OR rebounding with you at the very least. The fact he is STILL in touch with her, despite declaring feelings in JULY, and after having moved in with you - tells you what you need to know. If he was as commited to you as he says, why has he not told her about you on his own accord, instead of making excuses. It's not at all respectful to your relationship, and I'm amazed at his audacity that he is delaying telling her!

The only reason he's not with her, is because she doesn't want to be. You will have to decide if you're ok with the worry of knowing whether he will still stay with you, should she come back for him. OR if he will fall for someone else (not you) down the road, once he's healed his broken heart with you.

I would walk away, because he needs time to get over his ex and figure out what he really wants. He can either do that while staying with you (And you risk getting hurt), or away from you - which would be the decent thing to do. It explains his sudden change of heart on moving in - he was probably waiting for her previously, hence his reluctance to move in. Now he knows there's no future, and it's a pandemic and life is lonely alone, he's chosen you.

Don't be anyone's second choice. There's enough crap in the world, your partner should be the one person you trust to always put you first. And atm his ex has pride of place in his heart.

Somethingkindaoooo · 29/12/2020 15:54

@ahsan

That ex sounds like she isn’t into him at all think he talks to her as her rejection battered his ego and he can’t let go of it. I’d give it time if I were you if she is not interested now she never will be anyway so nothing to worry about
Ridiculous advice. OP- you are second choice. He was reluctant to live with you- he needed all kinds of drama to decide he was ready. Honestly- he'll always be wondering about her, YOU'LL always be wondering about her.

Just, go, find someone who is thrilled to be with you, rather than ' settling'.

Everyone should be with someone for whom they are the first choice.

SandyY2K · 29/12/2020 16:03

OP.... your plan B. She doesn't want him, so you'll do. Sorry to be harsh, but from what you say, he gave signs he was unsure.

I'd end it. Don't settle and be a rebound. If age clicks...he'll be gone.

SandyY2K · 29/12/2020 16:14

@Somethingkindaoooo

ahsan

That ex sounds like she isn’t into him at all think he talks to her as her rejection battered his ego and he can’t let go of it. I’d give it time if I were you if she is not interested now she never will be anyway so nothing to worry about

Ridiculous advice.

I agree. It's basically accepting that you're the fall back girl.

Littleraindrop15 · 29/12/2020 16:18

sounds like he is settling for you sorry x

ahsan · 29/12/2020 16:20

😂I know your all right you are second unfortunately would dump you in a second if given the chance but ex doesn’t seem interested so if you want to change your whole life for a maybe then go ahead

Raidblunner · 29/12/2020 16:27

Personally that would be it for me. I wouldn't want to be someone's second best to nobody. For him to say those things demonstrates he's still in love with her. The thought of someone thinking about and yearning for someone else whilst with me is a massive turn off.
Dump him or tell him you'll tell her or he does today!

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/12/2020 16:30

I think it’s pretty obvious you are his second choice. You’ve got to decide if you’re happy with that and if you’re not then you need to let him go and cease contact properly this time. He is playing you for a fool OP. You need to find your anger.

Splann · 29/12/2020 16:30

I agree with previous posters, stop being someone’s second best. He will never make you happy. Sorry Flowers

BlueThistles · 29/12/2020 16:44

He's using you ... DUMP his ass and get him out of your Home OP 🌺

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