I’m on here looking for an outsiders opinions.
I’m 33, husband 43, 2 kids age 3 and 8. Live a relatively comfortable life financially; both work hard, live in a nice area, kids love being home with us, we have a lot of nice family days out etc, I’m not sure the kids at present would ever know anything was wrong although the fact we have NO affection at all I’m sure will have an effect soon enough on them. I do almost everything at home on top of working, the cleaning, food shopping, washing, hoovering, organising the kids, the home work, the list is endless. He will empty the dishwasher now and again, put the bins out and play with the kids or amuse them when I ask. (Just giving you some background)
For years the lack of affection has been an issue, I should never have married this man. He isn’t a bad person, he is kind etc but has a complete lack of emotion, empathy and care not only to me but to everyone (apart from the kids). I think stupidly I thought I could crack him and having kids might make him softer etc but it didn’t obviously as kids only highly the cracks right. Our sex life has always been poor, I could handle that if there was some genuine affection, I random hug and not because I told him to hug me.....a couple of years ago I said I’d never nag him about being affectionate ever again as I was done with it, and I never did but that just made us more distant because if I ever did put my hand on his leg whilst driving or give him a hug randomly or sit next to him on the sofa I stopped as I’d lost all motivation. General bickering continued but with no affection it just makes you feel worse about the relationship. A year ago I told him I was done, the relationship was dead and the only option would maybe be to go to relate. That was a waste of time. After a fair few sessions she recognised he has a lot of anxieties and suggested he have his own therapy before we continued. He had a couple of sessions on his own in the priory and they put him on medication which chilled him out abit but nothing has changed in the relationship. Lockdown happened and that’s his excuse for not going back for further sessions even though it’s a complete excuse as he could have still had phone sessions, he is very lazy and doesn’t like to work hard at anything really. I caught him masturbating recently when I was working downstairs and he was upstairs. With my job I’m on the phone more or less all day and as soon as I go on a long call I noticed he would disappear upstairs, I knew exactly what he was doing! Anyway caught in the act, I wasn’t happy mostly because it’s been so stressful lately juggling working at home during a lockdown, a toddler and homeschooling, the housework piling up and I also started my own business on the side of my job too so the fact he even had time to do this annoyed me as I have zero time for myself! In a panic he told me the new medication had made it almost impossible to ejaculate, this is the first I heard, we have maybe had sex twice since my son was born 3 years ago. I just find this disrespectful and inconsiderate. He may have this issue but he has never thought about how it makes me feel and he knows how important affection is to me so to have neither is an issue! Now it has got to the point that if he did hug me or hold my hand it would feel so weird! We have had open conversations about separating, he has so much more to lose, I have good friends, supportive close family and if we broke up I know financially I would struggle and to stay in the area we are in now and not move my son from school would mean living in a not very nice house at all and watching my pennies which I can deal with, it’s all material things but my question is do I end the marriage....
We don’t argue a lot, we have nice days out as a family, the kids all love it when we are together, he isn’t a bad guy, financially we are a lot better off staying together, we love our home, my son has special educational needs and is very behind at school, I have fort hard to get him extra help and so I really don’t want to move him, my youngest isn’t even at school yet so if I did move areas she would probably be unable to get a space in the same school which would be a right pain. Do I sacrifice all of the above knowing it isn’t terrible, breaking up the family, causing upheaval to the children for my own happiness? I’ve told my husband I feel dead inside and I deserve better, his response is ‘what should we do then’, ‘do you even want this to work because I don’t think you do’, he says I make no effort but I have given up, I tried so many times!? I wonder if the anti depressants he is on shut of his feelings, or is it that he is just with the wrong person. I told him men never leave unless there is someone else and he more or less said the relationship ticks too many boxes to change it.....what would you do. Wait a year or 2 until youngest is at school, end it now or remain as everyone has issues and it isn’t that bad? The lack of affection really gets me down, I don’t even know if I want him to be affectionate now because really it isn’t in him, it wouldn’t bother him if we never hugged again he just doesn’t need it, is he autistic? Millions of thoughts running through my head.