Emotional or physical affair worse?

[idk40]

I've been married for 13 years, together for 4 prior to that.

My husband has always suffered from erectile dysfunction but despite that I still married him but it became a sexless marriage for well over 10 years. Year 3 into the marriage I came very close to having an affair with another married man I worked with. The feelings were there but as soon as anything came close I stopped and we agreed we could never see each other again.

Fast forward to present, we now have two wonderful children (one conceived using Viagra). I recently found out that the past 6 years after the birth of our first child my husband has been visiting strip clubs, karaoke bars for fondles and had a happy ending a few months ago.

It hurt but I forgave him as I understood I pushed him away and even told him it turned me on that he can get aroused (still not for long though). I confessed to what I have been close to doing but he is now hung up on my near affair. I can't help but feel this is unfair since nothing happened and if anything, with my sexual frustrations and lack of proper sex I held back from getting physical with anyone.

Do you agree I should be feeling the guilty party?

Your husband needs to decide whether he can forgive and move past your EA

You need to decide whether you can forgive and move past your husband's physical cheating over a 6 year (and presumably ongoing) period. I know I couldn't.

Your husband doesn't respect women.

He has been disrespectful to you, disrespectful to the women who he gets sexual excitement from presumably pretending to be single and men who visit sex workers don't respect women - they think they are commodities and have no way of knowing if they are trafficked, abused etc but are happy to run the risk they are... all for a hand job / blow job / sex. He is vile.

You nearly cheated which would of course be very hurtful to a partner. But you did the right thing and it sounds like you stopped it going so far the marriage would be unsalvageable.

You sound incompatible and as I say, he is in my opinion a man who doesn't respect women.

IMO he is relieved at your previous indiscretion because he now isn't the only 'bad guy' so he's using it as ammunition against you despite the fact he's had so many indiscretions over years.

Regardless of ED, which I understand must be really difficult for a man, he has behaved appallingly and you sound incredibly numb to how badly he's treated you and how little respect he has for women.

He says he got a 'happy ending' and you are using that language too. He got, at minimum, wanked off by a sex worker. I doubt that's all - a punter is a punter.

At some point I wouldn't be surprised if you find evidence of appointments with sex workers. Which he'll of course say he booked but never went to etc.

Karaoke bars? I’ve never seen anyone being fondled at one of them! Where the hell is that!

It doesn’t matter which one of you is deemed to have behaved worse. Seems to me he is trying to deflect.

You're as bad as each other really in the infidelity stakes.

His was purely physical with no emotional involvement. Yours was mainly emotional but with the desire to become physical.

Neither is worse tha the other.

I agree with PP that men who buy sex don't respect women.

Both of your infidelities happened because you are incompatible.in your relationship.

I think physical cheating is worse than emotional, but that’s in the context of an actual affair as in a romantic relationship with another woman/man. You had an emotional affair.

Strip clubs/lap dances are not cheating and not an affair in my book.
Neither is paying a prostitute for a “happy ending” an affair.

BUT I have zero respect for any man that pays for sex of any sort and while it isn’t an affair, I could not stay with such a man. So while the end result is the same, as in I’d end the relationship, it wouldn’t be because of cheating or an affair but because he’s a despicable consumer of prostitution which is a key contributor to sex trafficking.

This is all very sad. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

The man you almost got together with is a red herring. You didn't. Forget it. Your husband is trying to use that non-relationship to manipulate you. Take a few deep breaths and understand who you are, and why exactly you are in this position. If you stay with him, get some therapy to work on your own identity and self-esteem. Don't let him gaslight you - start from a position of not believing a word he says. I suspect that as well as six years of lies and paid sex, he's also put effort into subduing you throughout the relationship. Review your lives together - have you felt supported and lived? A shift in perspective is needed here. If he is a sleaze, it's not your fault!

Loved, not lived.

It’s quite sad for both of you. And I don’t think it’s a question of who is to blame more.
Your near affair is, of course, understandable. Even though you did go into this marriage with your eyes open and with knowing sex was an issue.

His ED is incredibly sad for him as we all can guess. None of us can really understand the tragedy of having ED and how a man must feel when unable to have sexual with his W or any woman. And so i also understand what he was searching for in those places. The ability to get hard at all must have been like a miracle for him.

His fixation on your affair is really a defence mechanism to refocus blame and defend himself. And it’s also out of hurt.
Both of you are hurting and I am sorry.

Have you actually ever had sex therapy as a couple? If he does get hard in some situations - in this case it’s ‘clandestine and forbidden’ - is part of his ED psychological?

Well, this isn't a marriage, is it ?

Where is the respect (from either of you)

Please - before we break out the tiny violin for this poor, downtrodden husband who was forced to pay for sex with sex workers for at least 6 years that you know of (and probably the entirety of his sexual life), before you don your hair shirt and self-flagellate yourself for the affair you didn't have, - lets all remember that he was doing all this while rejecting you and ensuring you lived a lonely, sex free existence.

I don't believe it was just a walk/blow job either and even if it was, that's enough for you to end this shit-show marriage over.

Boot him out. You deserve better.

*wank not walk

Thank you all for your responses.

I wanted to validate my feelings of how I'm made to feel guilty.

I know we both did wrong and glad we now have been open about the past.

I see some advise and will seek this first before I put my children through any heartbreak

@idk40

Thank you all for your responses.

I wanted to validate my feelings of how I'm made to feel guilty.

I know we both did wrong and glad we now have been open about the past.

I see some advise and will seek this first before I put my children through any heartbreak

Please do try to have a think about what it says about your husbands attitude to women that he has paid for sex acts. He believes women are a commodity. It's ok to not be ok with that at all. And I believe it's rare that a man admits outright to all of his behaviour re sex workers. One hand job one time? Unlikely. Don't let him make you think this is acceptable just because it may stem from insecurity. Motivations and active choices are both to be considered.

It seems strange, I kind of understand how he ended up in those situations. The industry he is in requires some entertaining. The karaoke antics happened in Asia and it would seem lots of seedy things happens a lot there. I just didn't cross my mind he would do it when he was travelling for business a lot.

I think I believe it when he says he only had the hand job once. I don't think he would miss the chance to hide anymore since we are both being honest and frank. I hope so anyway

@idk40

It seems strange, I kind of understand how he ended up in those situations. The industry he is in requires some entertaining. The karaoke antics happened in Asia and it would seem lots of seedy things happens a lot there. I just didn't cross my mind he would do it when he was travelling for business a lot.

I think I believe it when he says he only had the hand job once. I don't think he would miss the chance to hide anymore since we are both being honest and frank. I hope so anyway

I assumed they were in Asia because of the following:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/vb9wd3/inside-beijings-china-illegal-karaoke-ktv-sex-prostitution-brothel-clubs

https://www.bloombergquint.com/business/dealmaking-in-escort-bars-thrives-in-pockets-of-corporate-asia

Many industries require entertaining clients. They don't require you to get a hand job.

You say you think you know everything he's done as you're both being very honest. You sound really, really naive.

People swear on their children's lives they haven't done xyz and it later turns out they have.

I hope you can appreciate what kind of man does the things he's admitted to already, which is the best case scenario. Not the likeliest one.

Thank you.
I will think about what you are saying and thanks very much for listening