What should I do?

[user1488238232]

Hello this is my first ever post so please bare with me!

My partner and I have been together for ten years and have a child and a mortgage together. When our child arrived we talked about who's surname it would have and my partner said well if one day we get married and the baby takes your name it will be difficult to change its surname. My partner has been previously married and that didn't last long and I feel he's been scarred from that to marry again. I feel like I am being punished because of what happened with them and now I won't ever be able to get married. I feel like ten years is a lot to be with someone without a proposal and also feel that I have been tricked into our child taking his surname instead of mine. I know people will comment saying why don't you propose to him, but I don't agree with women proposing. I know everyone is different but I am traditional.

When the subject is brought up my partner just says well we can't afford it. (We could afford a small wedding) and I want my dad to be able to give me away. This is affecting my mental health as I can't help wondering why am I not good enough but his ex was good enough? I think about this every day and I'm not sure what to do. I love my partner, he is a good dad to our child and a hard worker so I don't want to loose him but this is really important to me and it hurts.

Thank you for reading my post

I can sympathise but I think you need to understand his reason for not marrying. Could it be because he doesnt want the fuss of a big day?

Why don't you ask him exactly that - why am I not good enough for you to marry?

user1488238232 I'm sorry you are in this situation. A relative was in a similar situation. Her partner said he would marry her and eventually did, but by the time it happened her dad had died. The reality is your child is a bigger tie together than marriage, anyway!

Maybe ask your dp what he is worried about.

have you talked about costs etc?

I do understand about the feelings related to your child's surname.

You're not traditional. You had a baby first and didn't give the baby your name. Not traditional.

I'd not propose if that's important. I would have a chat. I'd also ask that if he doesn't want to get married, you can change the child's name to yours. Fair's fair.

Well a registery office wedding isn't relatively that pricey, plus thanks to Covid nobody would be expecting a big bash so his argument in that respect is pretty irrelevant. If he's that traumatised from being a divorcee then I'd suggest to him that the situation has clearly now changed, and as a result you'd like to change your Dd's surname by deed poll to yours as he's obviously not wanting to get married and take for you to take his. He's then free to also change his surname to yours if it's that important to him that Dd has the same surname as him.

Your question was what should you do... ok well to protect yourself and your child from all manner of things would be to marry the child's father. This works obviously if you love him and he's non abusive etc.waiting around for him to propose isn't working is it? So what you should do is talk about this to him and discuss options or either a quiet wedding with the few people currently permitted or setting and booking a future bigger event. The discussion needs to be focused on practical stuff and be a given that marriage will be happening rather than a flakey "shall we get married one day " kind of chat, as you already live together and have a child you are way past that stage.
Good luck and congratulations on the upcoming event !

OP forget the wedding. You two need a chat

I’d educate myself on the difference between living together and marriage for the country you live in and figure out what difference it makes to your particular circumstances

Then Id decide how important marriage was to me, both from a contractual and emotional point of view and whether I was ready to issue an ultimatum.

Then I’d have a chat with him about marriage and it’s importance to you and really listen to what he said. I’d ask him to be absolutely honest with me about his feelings.

If he made it clear that marriage was not on the cards or came up with any form of excuse eg not ready yet, cost, based on the information you have given, I’d end the relationship

You deserve to have your needs met and to be happy. Best wishes

Thanks all for your replies

Rainbowqueeen excellent advice. Please do let us know how you are OP.