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Original poster

New boyfriend - physically incompatible?

30 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 28/12/2020 23:51

I have recently started dating a wonderful man who I think might become a long termer. We've been taking it slowly for the last four months but I do really like him and he seems to be really into me.
We've slept together a handful of times. He told me first that he wasn't particularly big and I didn't think that would bother me as my 20 year ex was the same and it didn't bother me but....
I'm so damn insecure about this. My ex had MH issues and the last few years we were together, he told me that sleeping with me was like being with a prostitute as he thought I was really loose. I don't think that's true though I'm 50 not 20 but to now be with someone who is not very big is killing the sexual side of the relationship. I feel like I have to do kiegels mid act and I'm just not enjoying things because of my own insecurities. I'd really like to see where this relationship goes but I don't know what to do over this. Help! Do I tell him my issues?

OP posts:
Confusedashell12 · 29/12/2020 00:00

Didn’t want to read and run

he told me that sleeping with me was like being with a prostitute as he thought I was really loose.

In my late 20s I had a couple of men who suggested I was too loose down below

Now I look back and realise they were wanking themselves so hard to porn, that they had become desensitised to a woman’s body

How pathetic

Please don’t let your awful ex make you feel bad

Be open minded with your current partner

Size isn’t always important esp with the right man

Give it a try Flowers

Confusedashell12 · 29/12/2020 00:02

Oh sorry just realised you have already started being intimate

Are you enjoying it apart from the insecurities? Does he seem to be enjoying it too?

I’d try to work on addressing your feelings before speaking to him.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 29/12/2020 00:10

Confusedashell, sort of enjoying it but I'm so tense and insecure that it's killing it for me at least. He's pretty perfect otherwise and so understanding of the rubbish my ex put me through. I had hoped that this man would be a little better endowed so I could get over this but no such luck. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. I know it's just my hang up but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
camilasherry · 29/12/2020 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

suggestionsplease1 · 29/12/2020 00:20

You can buy penis extenders / hollow strap ons OP...maybe that would help? Maybe a tricky one to broach but he did bring up the size issue first so he's not unaware that there may be an issue.

User8673342566 · 29/12/2020 00:42

Your ex was an arsehole. I don't think you can blame the MH problems on that comment. I worry I'm a bit looser than I used to be, I am assured otherwise by my ( lovely) husband, he would never say elsewise to me though. I do notice he likes doggy style more than he used to and I have heard that can be a better position if you have this problem. Sorry if that tmi, but it's a position that might help. Similar with spooning maybe?

User8673342566 · 29/12/2020 00:50

And just to add, your relationship sounds lovely and I think that you are worrying too much. In my experience men tend to worry about their own shortcomings much more than they even see yours. Sex is so much more than one thing, I think if you genuinely relax and enjoy it, that will make him happier than anything. No one is expecting or wanting everything to be perfect.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 29/12/2020 00:53

My ex was pretty horrible because he developed a delusional disorder where he was convinced i was cheating on him with someone who had 'stretched' me. It was all in his mind but logic aside, it has still left awful emotional scars. My new bf knows what I went through for the three years this was happening but I haven't told him this part of it as it's extremely humiliating to me.

OP posts:
Highfalutinlootin · 29/12/2020 00:55

This sounds like a horrible, man excuse insecure men who know they are small make in order to deflect and make women think it's the woman's problem instead of the man's. Total nonsense.

Contrary to teenage boy lore, the vagina does not get "loose" over time. It is even able to contract completely after childbirth! This is a misogynistic myth that men continue to perpetuate to frighten women into having as few sexual partners as possible since they are obsessed with women's virginity and chastity since men only value women as sex objects.

Both of the men you describe are insecure pigs, not for their penis size, but for their appalling behavior.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 29/12/2020 01:01

Highfalutinlootin, what in my posts implies that my new bf is an insecure pig? I've seen nothing but niceness from him so far.....

OP posts:
Josuk · 29/12/2020 01:31

OP - I would try not to overthink it. And try to not dwell on your ex’s words.

Of the guy isn’t big - he has had to deal with lots of insecurities over it all his life. So I wouldn’t specifically mention his size and your fear that you are too big down there for his small penis. No need to rub it in.
And also he has had sex with women and must have found a way to enjoy it. Unless all of his GFs over the years were very young women who have not given birth - you won’t feel different to him than most other women who have given birth.

You seem to have found someone you can connect to. Don’t throw it away over insecurities.

Monty27 · 29/12/2020 01:57

It took me a while to realise what you meant by loose OP 😳

BuffaloMozzerella · 29/12/2020 02:18

Firstly the things your ex said are awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Secondly - are you actually enjoying sex with your new man? Can you get enough sensation with him? I'm wondering if he's not really doing it for you - but instead of focusing on this you are focusing on you being the issue instead.

Zoinksalot · 29/12/2020 02:21

@Highfalutinlootin might want to read the op again and the subsequent posts before writing such a loaded and frankly incorrect post. Apology might be in order? Biscuit

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 02:32

I'd be inclined to think.youre not notably loose at all.

Your ex's comment is in the context of his delusional, paranoid "othello complex" (with a side of fixation on other men having larger penises than him).

He evidently has/had my issues - in his case culminating in his delusion.

You're worrying about the comments of a mad man.

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 02:33

*MH issues

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 02:40

You're probably no looser than an average woman.

Your new bf has said nothing about you. He warned you about his size - because he's presumably a bit self conscious about it.

There's no reason, with his size taken into account, that he'd find you any looser than any other woman he'd have sex with.

(Incidentally I've seen men discussing this on a male dominated forum where they seriously pull no punches and lots of men said the relative looseness if the women they had sex with varied, and did not correspond with their age or whether there given birth or not (or how many times).

Anyway, your ex was a fruitloop with an Othello complex and a bizarre fixation on some well endowed (better than him of course) affair partner having stretched you. He convinced himself you'd been unfaithful and he could detect the result; his comment was further along the lines of that paranoid, masochistic "fantasy" and his need to punish you for it.

He's bonkers.

Stop letting him affect your confidence.

Sandals19 · 29/12/2020 02:47

As a side note - your ex's delusion is apparently a fetish for some men. I haven't met anyone like that but I've read about it from both angles .. some men who are into it write fantasies etc online, as do their wives/partners.

The female partners either pretend to (or actually) cheat with better endowed men and describe it to their partner for mutual sexual stimulation. It's obviously pretty masochistic for the man. Sometimes they even go so far as threesomes or the male partner being "made to" watch.

There's nowt as queer as folk.

NotaCoolMum · 29/12/2020 08:31

@Highfalutinlootin calm down.

goldielockdown2 · 29/12/2020 08:56

What your ex said was vile on many levels, and based on a misogynist untruth, so he was thick as well as disgusting and most importantly, insecure.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/12/2020 09:08

yeah, ex was a twat - and wrong.

what to do now though? are you not orgasming with him? fingers, tongue, etc, can you experiment some more? - you might surprise yourselves. if you want this to be a long term thing, i would also say something like 'im a bit self-concious bout this, can you reassure me...'

PrincessNutNutRoast · 29/12/2020 09:19

OP, your ex would have told you that you were an alien from the planet Fitzy Bitzy Tooten Booten if he thought it would hurt you and ruin your future sexual pleasure. It means nothing. Stop thinking about it and enjoy your new fella.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 29/12/2020 09:31

OP, there is nowt wrong with your vagina.

New boyfriend - physically incompatible?
Orf1abc · 29/12/2020 09:43

Do you feel able to tell your partner what you've told us? He's feeling insecure too, this is something you could work on together? That to me would be the sign of two very compatible people, building a sex life that is mindful and based on mutual respect.

Doddlebug2000 · 29/12/2020 10:37

Your bf has probably worried about his smaller penis his whole life, and with porn showing massive ones, I can only imagine this would make a man feel.
Instead of talking about the looseness or penis size, can you ask if it feels good for him? Also can he cum during sex? These are good indicators that all is good I think.
Your ex sounds like a knob, don't let his ridiculousness filter into this new and lovely relationship.
Communicate with your new man and then focus on yourself and what you like in sex rather than fixating on how your vagina must feel for him. Smile

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