Alcoholic father

[bikers123]

My dad is an alcoholic, has been for as far back as I can remember and I hadn't realised quite how big an impact this has had on my life until recently.

My partner and I are expecting our first baby next year and to be honest I don't want anything to do with my family anymore. I'm so sick and tired of the same story over and over, any time I speak to my mum she moans about how awful he is and how unwell he has made himself (this is nothing new and his health has been deteriorating for a while now - seizure, jaundice looking). I feel like they are a cloud hanging over me. She won't leave him because she thinks he might get worse and be on his own but by staying with him for so long she's isolating herself from a life she could live. (I am under no illusion that he will die of alcoholism wether he lives with her or not). I detest hearing about this because as much as I dislike the man, it is a concern for my mum that she is living like this.

He has absolutely no interest in any of his children or our partners (I'm one of three). But as I live closer and am the youngest I feel some sort of responsibility to try and keep my mum sane but in all honesty I hate it. I have no relationship with him, he isn't a nice person and alcohol has made him even more nasty and selfish, he once kicked a big dent in my car after an argument about me leaving a light on in the house when I lived there. I have had an extremely strained relationship with him since I was a teenager. I'm really starting to resent my mum for allowing this to happen and for having to see my teenage years out living with such a disgrace! I recently got engaged and I'm worrying about the wedding already (it's a long long way away) because I just want a bloody normal family that can act decently!

Switch dad for mum and you have literally written my life. I have older siblings, one consumed with anger to extent he couldn’t speak to our parents, one stuck his head in the same. So I had to step up. I didn’t realised how much it affected me until my kids were born, I’ve now had spent therapy and understand how much of my parenting behaviour and behaviour in general is stemmed for growing up in that situation. I’m the most fiercely protective mother and beyond self judgemental in all aspect of my parenting. It’s all consuming. I love my kids beyond words and it’s opened up a whole new anger towards my mum bed how she could do that to us. Be ready for that. I’m still mortified by my mother. That’s all I feel now, embarrassment.

I can fully relate OP, in so many ways. I've so many stories too of humiliation and abuse. Of living on constant egg shells, not knowing what mood to expect. My dad also got very ill from his alcoholism. His later years were quieter. I was able to see the man as separate from the disease.

For now you need to look after yourself and your child. Impose clear boundaries. Maybe arrange to see your mum on her own. You no longer live in his house, you are free and you can make your own rules to suit you.

Bring brought up with an alcoholic parent leaves its mark though. Look up Adult Children of Alcoholics - the laundry list. There will be a lot on it that makes sense of your feelings, behaviours and reactions. It affects us all differently. I'm very different from my sisters. But no-one comes out of a childhood with an alcoholic unscathed. Engaging with the impact and trying to work through it can help a lot.

My dads an abusive alcoholic, he has a very good job and to allt of people he's the perfect gentleman. He's an abusive horrible violent man and I made the decision almost 2 years ago to cut him out of my life. Best decision I ever made. I have to see him in a few months time for my sisters wedding and I'll be civil for her sake but after that I'm back to NC. I've learnt I have to do what's best for me and this is. I wish I could say it's hard but it really really isn't

Your mother is in a codependent relationship with her alcoholic husband and she also gets what she wants out of their relationship. Her own codependent needs are being met in full. She has made her choice here and she has chosen him and to live like that.

What if anything do you know about her own childhood, chances are her own father and mother behaved the self same too. She was not a good parent to you either when you were growing up and she has fundamentally also failed to protect you from your dads alcoholism.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you do not have to continue your own codependent relationship with your mother. She really does not want your help and or support either. I would also urge you to contact Al-anon and seek further support for your own self from them. I would also not invite them to your upcoming wedding and would keep the two of them also well away from your child. Your child as well does not need an alcoholic grandfather nor an attendant enabler in his or her life.

Do read toxic parents by Susan Forward, there is a section in there on alcoholic parents that could help you

Sorry for you as I am going through almost the same situation. We just had our first born together and his dad is divorced but thinks he has entitlement in our lives even though he is abusive and alcoholic. We have cut ties with him for our often sake and sanity. Not wanting history to repeat itself we don’t want it babygirl to meet him since he’s so bad

You have to do what’s best for you. A title doesn’t mean entitlement

You can't save your mother and I completely understand your conflicted feelings/suppressed anger.
He is awful but she's complicit. Ultimately she failed to protect her children.

I would be either NC with them both or NC with him and LC with her (for me that would be infrequent meet ups
outside her home/Your home with no mention of him/problems with him/how she is unhappy with the crap life she picked.)

I really recommend therapy as having your own child/becoming a parent will likely open a massive pandora's box.

The wedding dread is toytally natural! I felt the same. My advice would be to solve the problems in front of you right now

Thank you all for your replies. My mum tried what she thought was her best and in some strange way thought that it was better to keep a family together than leave - we would have all probably been much happier and well balanced adults having not been exposed to such crap from him. She is a good person, she's just caught up in his shit and she's ultimately done this to herself and she's dragged us down with them.

I have come to realise over the last few years that some of my behaviours are probably because of how I grew up - high functioning anxiety, trying to just keep the peace with people as I assume that every relationship is as volatile as mine with my dad, there's certainly a lot of anger there that I was never allowed to get out. I think my dad is quite jealous of my relationship and if I see him he makes remarks that I've 'landed on my feet' and 'have my life made for me now' and he implies that I think I'm something that I'm not. That isn't the case atall, I have a decent job and work full time, my partner does also but has a family business which he is likely to take over one day, but we certainly don't have it made. I think my in laws wonder why they haven't met my family yet but covid is a good excuse for me right now I guess!

I can see the resemblance between my mum and my granny and how they are/were in their relationships. My granny says my granda wasnt a great support in his younger years but she would never have left him - it's almost like they feel they have to see it through. I see the stark contrast between me and my partner - his mum and dad aren't jumpy at slamming doors, they didn't shout and scream for little reason, don't lie about their behaviours, they actually like each other and do things together, they don't have unpredictable behaviour and it's nice to be in their house. In turn, my partner is very relaxed person and he can sometimes struggle to understand my over reactions to things - i have a very irrational worry that him and his dads relationship may deteriorate and we will loose the house (the house agreement is tied into a work contract). As so many times I was told to leave and get out of 'my dads house'. My partners dad is great, their working and father-son relationship is good! It's just ingrained in me that dads can be very unpredictable and controlling I think!

@merlotormalbec my dad has also been functioning for a long time, and I'm sure people think he is a good person and he just enjoys a drink, they don't realise how bad the situation is and how irritating it is to have your opinion and feelings thrown out by people saying 'oh he's fine, not doing any harm'