He is staying for the kids

[Sendhelpplease]

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years have children together. We had a good relationship until a couple of years ago and shared a strong connection, everything was easy and we seemed set to spend our days together. Got engaged, i didn’t feel there was any hurry because we had our whole lives together and the children were young so make the most of it instead of the financial burden of a wedding as well. After a difficult couple of years we are failing miserably. I want nothing more than my relationship and family to work, I don’t understand why it can’t work. He claims to still love me but won’t put any time or effort in to our relationship or even the children (without me). I asked him last night if he still want to be in a relationship with me, he said he doesn’t know. I think this is worse than just saying no he doesn’t!

So my question is what is going on here? He claims to love me and wants the family to stay together and to work but refuses to give any of us any effort or time. He then followed up by saying something about just staying for the children to which I said I wouldn’t accept that. He feels we have no future. A couple of days ago he spoke of us getting married one day. He seems to say completely opposite things every couple of days.

Anybody been here? Any advice? Anyone made it through something like this?

Everything @newlygranny says is spot on.

He definitely has some sort of hatred towards me...He says a lot of hurtful things which seem to be to upset me, tonight he was shouting at me so I just looked at him and listened to him roaring away (usually is shout back at him) - he then went on to call me a waste of space.

Not really sure why I’m writing this to here, I guess I’m too embarrassed to speak to somebody in real life and am in disbelief somebody to say that to me or anybody else for that matter!

End this farce, OP.

How does it benefit the children to live in this environment? Where dad shouting and verbally abusing mum, and refusing to participate in family life? What kind of father do they have in him?

And your self-esteem is being further ground down.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off, and get a divorce.

Oh you're not married, sorry, but the rest of it stands.

The kids were sleeping so didn’t see or hear but that’s not the point. How can he think it’s okay to say all the hurtful things he does to me? I’m more just shocked by the waste of space comment than upset. My self esteem has been ground down and he is getting worse with it, not better.

My DH was like this while he was having an affair (plural)

He needs to despise and disparage you to justify and rationalise his shitty behaviour.

he might be being a dick to you so you leave or tell him to leave then he can play the victim

He is not staying for the kids. If he were he would spend time with them on his own. He is staying until something better comes along. I would make him leave so he can experience loss

He refuses to leave and I financially can’t leave right now (I do still love him, however I’m incredibly frustrated by his shitty behaviour!)

Is there absolutely no way you can leave, I understand you say financially you aren't able to, what is the situation with the housing, joint mortgage/tenancy/finances.
The only reason I ask is I'm not arguing that things won't be difficult to leave or make him go depending on circumstances.
But I would say be very honest with yourself about why you are staying (and I mean staying in the relationship not necessarily physically staying). If it's because you are hoping that he will 're engage do not sacrifice your with and self esteem hoping he will suddenly become the man you fell in love with again.
If it's purely the financial side, and your confident he will not turn violent then I would make a plan to change that. Again that will depend on your financial set up. But a plan has to be made, whether it means discussing the end of the relationship the un tangling of finances and a time frame of when assets will be sold/split and worked out that enables both of you to separate.
I get that isnt what you want, i understand you srill love him and desperately want this ro work but it does take two to make a relationship. You cant do this on your own. If youre in any doubt i would finallu say please do not underestimate the damage this will do to your children, I say that from the view point of a child who grew up in a house with an angry father who didn't want to be a married man, a frustrated mother who was so in love with him. Arguments and this model of such an unhappy relationship is never going to bode well.

What is your housing situation? Own, rent?

Have you even spoken to him about living separately and what his responsibilities would be toward the children? Have you run the numbers for his child maintenance contribution? Would he want 50/50 or EOW and one day in the week? How old are the children?

Surely that is where you start. He needs to see the alternative life he is picking, it doesn't necessarily include you going along with washing his pants and making his dinner.

Do you work full time? Part time?

It’s a joint mortgage where he refuses to move out or sell. I am sure I can’t for financial reasons, I am not working and do 100% of looking after the children. Basically I do everything other than earning the money - morning, day and night - he is barely here and when he is he is rude and obnoxious (he didn’t used to be this way, guess I remember and hope for the person I once knew). I have nobody that nearby that we could move in with either. I believe he is being his way towards me because he knows I am stuck and don’t have any other options. Also, to why he is staying - probably because by being with me he would have to have the children 50% of the time to allow me to get back to work or every second weekend which is far more than he does just now.

You need tod ecide if you want a relationship with him, if so, what will he need to do to change. If he doesn't then decied what you will do. E.g. tell him it's over and you would like him to move out. He'll likely dig his heels in so you will need to stop servicing him - no more meals for him, washing etc treat him like he is a lodger. That might help him to move on to look for another comfy nest. He sounds like the kind of man that will demand 50% or more custody so that you can't claim any child maintenance but he may not follow through.

You need to get prepared. Make sure you have the DC and your passport in a safe place (he can't access), make copies of all the legals relating to the house and any other financial stuff. Use online calculators to see what help/benefits you might get if he leaves - council tax discount, UC or improved child tax credit etc. Start getting your CV ready and look at job boards like Indeed to see what opportunities are around. What age are your DC as this might affect your benefits/going back to work prospects. Is there a spare room or somewhere else to sleep? (even with the DC) so that you can show you are serious about seperating.

You aren't married so maybe not so much to split (like pensions) but if you can afford it, it might be a good idea to talk to a family law solicitor (e.g. are his rants enough "abuse" to get an occupation order to force a house sale? should you make a claim for financial provision for the DC under Schedule 1 of the Children's Act. Does the paperwork show you as a tenant in common/joint owner of the house?)

Sendhelpplease, you can force a sale of the house. You'd need to obtain an Order for Sale, but he does not have all the power here, and it's time you started gaining a bit of control over your own life.

As pp says, you should do nothing for him. Don't include him in meals, do none of his washing, stop everything that he benefits from.

And start looking for work so you can be independent.

OP
“with me he would have to have the children 50% of the time to allow me to get back to work or every second weekend which is far more than he does just now.”
I have said it before but I will say it again , do not depend on him doing 50% of childcare or EOW . If he doesn’t want to parent , you can’t force him.