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Original poster

Should i have forgiven him by now ???

61 replies

nutcracker · 25/10/2004 12:36

Not sure why i'm asking this as it may already be irrelevant but it's bugging me so here it is.

Bit of history first.......When i met dp he had his own house but as he was in the process of a divorce he had to sell it. He had a lot of debt and couldn't get another mortgage and so we moved in to a rented house together which was all fine no probs.
When Dd1 was 10mths old he managed to get a mortgage (didn't have me on it as i have bad debt too) and we moved to live in the road i grew up in, in which my dad and brothers still live.
I was ecstatic, loved the house despite it needing work, and loved the fact that i was so close to family and friends.
After a while i became pregnant again and we had Dd2. Shortly before her birth Dp came home saying that the factory he worked in had offered him voluntary redundancy. He was in no means being forced to take it as there were loads that went for it, but because he had been there for 23 years we knew he would be offered a largish amount. As soon as he told me i said that he could only really consider it if he knew he had another job to go to and he agreed. We decided we needed to talk about it some more but the next day he came home and told me he had told them he wanted to take the offer.
I was gobsmacked and really upset but he reassured me that he would start looking for another job staright away.
Anyway basically he didn't and shortly after dd2 was born he left. At this point he still wasn't looking for work and so i asked him to at least pay off some of our debt with the mioney and do the house up a bit so that if the worst came to the worst we could sell the house.
He agreed, infact promised and then did the exact opposite. He wasted the money, even brought an old porsche.
Eventually we lost the house, and i walked around our local area for 3 hours one day trying to find somewhere for us to move to. Dp again did nothing.
I eventually found us a house which was in a crappy area and more in rent than our mortgage had been but that was all i could find. I was desperate not to be in the house when it was reppossed.
We stayed in the rebted house for 6 mths whilst i fought for a housing asscoaition flat which we eventually got. I should have called it a day then and moved in on my won with the dd's but i decided to let him come to.
As you provbably know we have now moved from the flat to a house as we have Ds too.

Anyway dp resents the fact that i still haven't forgiven him for what happened with the house.
I am still very angry and upset about it as i was heartbroken to have to leave and am angry that he obviously thought so little of me and the kids to do that to us.

He reckons i should get over it. It was about 4 years ago now, so is he right, should i get over it ???

OP posts:
agy · 25/10/2004 13:19

Is your name on the rent book as well?

vict17 · 25/10/2004 13:21

In that case all the best for leaving him then. When are you planning on telling him? Will it come as a surprise to him or will he already have had an inkling?

misdee · 25/10/2004 13:22

Nutty i know you asked him to leave over the summer before you moved. but i dont know why you backed down. if you do ask him to leave make sure you stick to it. it'll be too confusing for you and the kids if you go back and forth (been there done that).

all the best.

Thomcat · 25/10/2004 13:27

Oh sweetheart, sorry. Well I'd say it was only a matter of time then babes. Bite the bullit, do it, get him out of your life and move on. If you don't love him, don't trust him, feel resentfu;l, you're not being fair to anyone letting him saty, most odf you're not being fair to you. How can the man of your dreams walk into your life when Mr wrong is blocking the door?! Be happy , don't be with him.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 13:34

Misdee - I think i backed down before cos i thought moving to the house would change it all, but i was wrong. Luckily the kids didn't know about that anyway.

I will probably leave it until after xmas i think, which will mean a miserable xmas but i'd fel to mean to chuck him out before then.

Yes my name is on the rent book too. Should have left it like that when we moved here.

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 25/10/2004 13:38

Goodluck Nutcraker - Sounds like he doesn't deserve you

turquoise · 25/10/2004 13:45

Nutty you sound just like me a couple of years ago. You can't love someone without respect and he sounds as though he's lost all your respect and made no effort whatsoever to earn it back. I was in a similar situation with my dp and when I said it was over,(and he knew I meant it) that was the catalyst to make him really change his ways. If you've told your dp in the past to leave, and he still hasn't made any efforts, I don't see what else you can do. Only he can amke you respect him again, and if he won't make that effort, he'll have to take the consequences.
It's the hardest thing in the world to make that break, and I really feel for you. But it's obvious from your posts over the last few months that you can't go on like this.

Aero · 25/10/2004 14:23

Nutty - is there anything you love about him - what things attracted you to him in the first place? Do you have anything in common?
My dh is rubbish with money too and leaves his card at home - we take out cash as he requires it now and things are better that way with our debts made much more managable and some paid off. One of us needs to be in control of the money situation and tbh, I'm just better at it than dh - ie bill paying etc, but, he earns it, so I feel he should be able to buy things he'd like too just so long as we both know that we can afford them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you think there's anything worth salvaging in the relationship and you both wanted to stay together, then you'd be able to find a way to forgive him and somehow move forward, but it sounds to me that he's not willing to make any effort to make things better for you all as a family and that in itself is enough to put you off even trying. To get anything out of a relationship, you both need to be putting a lot in. It seems you feel that things are very one sided in that dept at the moment and have been for some time.
Wish I could be of more use to you nutty, but only you can make the decision that will mean the best outcome for you and your children. Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 14:25

What a horrible situation to be in Nutcracker. But you can't continue the way it is. You guys don't have a real marriage/relationship, and it's certainly not a good role model for your kids for how a mature relationship is supposed to work.

You asked if you shuold forgive him. Given that it sounds as though you're going to leave him, then I don't see any reason why you should, as long as you don't let your kids pick up on your anger. If you were planning to try and make your marriage work, then you would have to put it behind you.

How does he feel about you? Does he want to stay with you? I can't imagine that he's happy in the relationship either.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 14:27

No he isn't happy but he would rather us stay together than him be alone i think.

Aero - Am trying hard to think of something.

OP posts:
jampot · 25/10/2004 14:31

Nutty - can you tell us 5 positive things about him: ie. he is funny, he smells nice etc?

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 14:32

5

I will try and think, don't know how long it will take me

OP posts:
Aero · 25/10/2004 14:45

tum-te-tum - aero taps fingers on desk while nutty tries to think of even one thing??????? Gosh nutty - this is a tough one. I think staying because he'd rather not be alone isn't really a viable reason for a relationship to carry on.............is there really nothing that comes to mind about why you ever loved him?

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 14:47

Well when i first met him i thought he was funny, caring, generous and hardworking.
Never really fancied him though, have to admit.

Now his humoour irritates me, he isn't caring anymore, and is never generous or hardworking.

He makes good bacon and egg sarnies

OP posts:
KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 14:48

Nutty, what I wouldn't give right now for a man who could make me a good bacon and egg butty.....

vict17 · 25/10/2004 15:00

Hi again Nutty! I think if you are really serious about leaving him you should do it asap while you're conviction remains strong. It's 10 weeks until Xmas and not doing it now so that he's not alone for the holidays seems a bit like back tracking. It's going to be hard on the kids whenever you do it so IMO the sooner the better

twoforone · 25/10/2004 15:02

Sometimes Nutty, people hang onto a resentment because deep down inside, they don't really love the person.
I had a friend who was like that, but it was only when it was all over that she could only admit to it.
She used to keep bringing up the problem that has happened in their past, but also keep picking at all kinds of other little things, constantly trying to cause arguments.
But all this stemmed from the fact that she didn't love him anymore. Like i say, she only admitted this to herself after they had split up.
Don't know if any of this is relevant to your situation, but maybe this is why you can't really forgive and forget?

jampot · 25/10/2004 15:02

same here - K&TG

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 15:03

Oh i know it's gonna be hard whenever i do it, but all 3 kids birthdays are coming up too and i'd feel bad for them if he was there for ones and not the other.

Sounds like i'm trying to think of excuses i know.

OP posts:
MissusWoman · 25/10/2004 15:04

you could set a date in your mind and plan to do it then?

it is hard, but there are plenty of us on here who have done it and we're still here to tell the tale (i don't regret ending my marriage for a minute, it was rubbish!)

Aero · 25/10/2004 15:06

Well, there's a start - not sure if there's enough to re-build on though, but if he was all those things you thought in the first place, despite not fancying him, there must have been enough goodness in him for you to respect him once, and it looks as if that's what's gone and respect, imho, is as important as love in any ongoing relationship - that's what gets you through those difficult times. Basically you need to like and respect each other for things to work and it's not looking good in either of those camps at the moment.

vict17 · 25/10/2004 15:09

I know, poor you, they'll never be a right time. I guess it all depends how long you can carry on living like this for. If/when you do eventually tell him perahps we could have a special thread for you to support you

MissusWoman · 25/10/2004 15:10

or you could talk to him, ask him to go to relate with you as a last resort?

or go to relate on your own, they will help you to work out if you want to mend your relationship or end it

jampot · 25/10/2004 15:11

you know nutty, i think that you need to have a different focus. i think you depend on your dp (and rightly so) but you feel he cant be depended on and maybe you feel trapped. When Im bored i get really pissed off with my dh too and everything annoys me about him (especially his accent right now actually).

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/10/2004 15:11

Thanks guys i appreciate the advice.

Believe me i do sometimes wish i could get back whatever it was that we had, and used to think that if we were just a bit better off then we would be happy but i don't think that would help either really.

Oh i don't know

OP posts: