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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Engaged or not?

16 replies

88super88 · 28/12/2020 20:00

Me and my OH HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 11 years engaged for 10 but he has no intention of getting married when I asked why he asked me he said it’s because he knew I wanted to does that mean he didn’t want too? And every time I mention marriage he just laughs and says no or looks at me funny I’ve gave up now and I say I don’t want to either but is it something else?
He owns the house I own nothing just have a part time job does that mean something?
Any advice would be great
Thanks XX

OP posts:

category12 · 28/12/2020 20:03

He's been utterly clear with you - he's got no intention of marrying you. He owns everything, you own nothing, and that's the way he likes it.

I guess you have kids and are stuck, yes?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 20:03

Do you have children with this arsehole? I ask as that makes a difference as to what your options are next.

All involve breaking up with him btw, on account of him being a horrible cunt who laughs at you about something he promised, didn't carry through and knows upsets you.

Dery · 28/12/2020 20:09

The part-time job means nothing. He doesn’t want to marry you because you’ve given him all the benefits of marriage without requiring marriage. In England (different jurisdictions have different rules), marriage creates certain legal obligations (for both spouses) which don’t arise outside marriage (unless you’re in a civil partnership, which you’re not). If you’re in England and not married/not in a civil partnership, you will have no financial protection for yourself in the event of a split. If you have children together, he will be obliged to pay maintenance unless you have 50:50 custody. If you are in England, you’ve made yourself very vulnerable going part-time and, presumably, taking a big financial hit. Do you have children together?

StephenBelafonte · 28/12/2020 20:12

I'm really sorry OP but as a homeowner with other assets too, i wouldn't get married either, unless it was to someone who was my financial equal - I'd be worried about loosing half my assets in the event of a divorce and I guess thats what his problem is too.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2020 20:17

You’re wasting your time here op
He is never going to marry you

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 20:17

Also I'm conscious I called him an arsehole because he sounds like one and sounds nasty BUT you do need to accept some accountability for the fact you have spent a decade 'engaged' to someone who laughs in your face at the idea of marrying you. You didn't have to stay with him. You still don't. You have no legal protection currently so staying won't change that as he is clearly not going to marry you. IMO men like this talk shit about going for 50/50 custody due to money (if you do have kids with him) but very, very, very rarely follow through. I can't fathom spending a decade with someone who made a commitment to me and then started laughing in my face about it. Whatever else happens you need to leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 20:19

He owns the house I own nothing just have a part time job does that mean something?

It means you're in deep shit. Get out, get a better job, and start saving for your future because you will have nothing if you don't.

NovemberR · 28/12/2020 20:30

I'd advise you to look for a full time job and be making plans to stand on your own two feet away from him. You have no security and he has no intention of marrying you.

Why would you make yourself utterly dependent on someone who has failed to keep their promises to you?

Viviennemary · 28/12/2020 20:33

Do you have a better standard of living with him than you would on your own? Or is your life easy because you only work part time.

Lozzerbmc · 29/12/2020 02:57

You are so vulnerable with not owning a share of house. Why didnt you buy it together? Its doubtful after such a long time engaged you’d marry sorry to say

Monty27 · 29/12/2020 04:09

Marriage would give you some stability as a spouse
That's why he isn't going to marry you
I suppose you're going to have to cut and bust

Original poster

88super88 · 29/12/2020 13:11

Thanks everyone I have 2 children with him I guess u all have said what I was thinking but they really love their dad and I can’t just leave him for my happiness the kids mean more but I have some thinking to do I didn’t go on the house as my credit rating isn’t great and no I do t think I have it easy to the person who said that I have a part time job so I can still get my kids from school as I have no family around me to get them

OP posts:

AuntyFungal · 29/12/2020 13:31

”I guess u all have said what I was thinking but they really love their dad and I can’t just leave him for my happiness the kids mean more…”

And there lies the trap.

He knows you won’t leave ‘because of the kids’ - whatever that means.
He doesn’t need to do / not do anything to keep the status quo.
Status quo suits him just fine.

It’s primarily about £
But it also impacts

Wills
Inheritance
Next of kin / medical consent / burials
Pension rights etc...

Purplethrow · 29/12/2020 13:38

Even if you couldn’t get a joint mortgage, you could have still had a document drawn up stating that you have equal rights to the property. I did this years ago with my partner (thankfully the twat refused to sign it, so when we split he didn’t get half of my house)
You are in a very vulnerable position, are you happy and have no reason to think you will separate? Or do you see it happening?

VodselForDinner · 29/12/2020 14:04

@88super88

OP, what was the point of posting?

You’re in a ridiculously vulnerable position, and so are your children.

You’re making it sound like you were lead into this blindly but you’ve actively had two children with this man, despite your assertion that you wanted to be married.

I’d guess you clean his home, care for and provide for his children, wash his underpants, cook his meals, and have sex with him.

In return, he owns a house and has to pay very little for the services you provide.

He’d be crazy to marry you.

But you’re crazy to go along with this situation.

StephenBelafonte · 29/12/2020 16:04

OP it's a myth that people who don't have a great credit rating can't get a mortgage. They can, and do. I did.

How come your credit rating wasn't great but his was? Thats another red flag.

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