What should the first year of a relationship look like?

[Rosy777]

For a woman in her mid to late 30s and a man in his early 40s? Both want marriage and a family one day.

Deliberately leaving this out to see what people come back with. Thinking of my personal situation.

Thanks

That’s very open ended!! It depends on the people and how much of a hurry you’re in.
For me it was a slow steady increase of pace from dating 1-2 times a week to 3-4 times a week. Moved in after 18 months

You should get to know each other, build trust and find out each others values and life goals. If values and life plans are compatible you can start to agree how to work towards them.

There's no blueprint for how often you 'ought' to see each other, or how quickly you 'should' live together etc.

Depends how you feel about each other!
If you both want the same things and you both love each other, why wait? Get cracking with the family!

What matters is how you resolve arguments, not that there are arguments.
At your respective ages, don't expect to be treated like a princess. Do expect to be treated like an equal, with your own ideas and expectations.

The first year should be a search for red flags (on both sides): violence, inability to forgive small mistakes, inability to resolve conflict with talking, a tendency toward dramatics or sulking, lack of motivation, poor relationships with exes, poor relationships with kids, drug or alcohol misuse, boringness, depressive traits, tightness, bad financial decisions, sexual problems like excessive porn use etc...

@Guineapigbridge

The first year should be a search for red flags (on both sides): violence, inability to forgive small mistakes, inability to resolve conflict with talking, a tendency toward dramatics or sulking, lack of motivation, poor relationships with exes, poor relationships with kids, drug or alcohol misuse, boringness, depressive traits, tightness, bad financial decisions, sexual problems like excessive porn use etc...

And who says romance is dead?!!

Difficult to answer- is there something you are worried about op? While I jest about the above, has something prompted you to post?

I've(40)been with my bf(43)for just over a year. We have taken things steady, getting to know each other making sure we're compatible etc. We initially spent 1-2 days a week together, built this up and we now see each other most days (we live in the same building) and have just told each other we love each other. We have discussed moving in together, but this won't happen until the latter part of next year.

Thanks for all your replies so far - very helpful to gain some perspective

And thanks NeilBuchananisBanksy for asking - I’ve been in a relationship for a year but it just isn’t working. I thought he was the one early on, and I’m sure he thought it of me too, but already coming to a slow death. I don’t feel valued or very loved. He’s not a bad guy and I know he cares but isn’t sure about me. I feel very lonely most of the time. He said we could talk about the future in a few months but I don’t sense in my gut that he loves me. It’s sad really. I know it’s not right and that’s why I’ve posted to ask to see what things should be like now - ie, not this.

I dont think there's any set way to be. Whatever works for you and as long as you are happy and fulfilled which I don't think you are?

@Guineapigbridge

The first year should be a search for red flags (on both sides): violence, inability to forgive small mistakes, inability to resolve conflict with talking, a tendency toward dramatics or sulking, lack of motivation, poor relationships with exes, poor relationships with kids, drug or alcohol misuse, boringness, depressive traits, tightness, bad financial decisions, sexual problems like excessive porn use etc...

100% this. A shocking number of women out there ( just look at many of the threads on here for example, and even a couple of posts on this very thread...) don't consider these things properly early enough in the relationship. Then think nothing down the line of tearing their future family apart for things they should have split up for much earlier.

Dating should be fun, but it's complete madness not to be discerning long term compatibility at the same time.

From experience, the majority of men who are serious about having families have already settled down by early 40s. Many men in their 40s who say they want a family "one day" are either not serious about wanting a family and are just saying so to selfishly keep the woman hanging on since they know it's a deal breaker for most women, or they have unrealistic expectations about a partner so never actually committed to someone. Go in with your eyes open and have open conversations about it with him (1 year is not too early if the guy actually sees a future with you). Because if you want kids, you absolutely can't waste time on someone who will string you along.

At your ages, and being in a one year relationship, I would expect by now, there would be more of a timescale from him of "within the next X years I would ideally like to have kids". If he genuinely wants and is excited by having kids that is....

I don't think it would entirely be the norm. It's odd to ask, but as you have, tbh I would think a woman in mid to late 30's who is with someone in 40's and thinking that they would like a family one day, you've left it late to decide that and may find it difficult. So, I'd expect that your mind might be more focused on wanting DC than a DP, so not likely to end up with the right DP, though you may still have a DC out of it. Female biology adds extra pressure, it's a shame, but not the less a fact to think about.

If you don’t feel special, loved, valued and supported then it’s not a good relationship.

Opentooffers I have always wanted a family and I’ve had many boyfriends but none have been right to have children with.

I don't think there is an answer for this, in 2020.

Life is not normal right now, so how can relationships be?

If you're not happy, talk to him

I think if you need to ask then its not right. If it's right it feels it.