I just wonder if I deserve better, or...

[namechange67]

...I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill?

My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years. We live together. I feel as though he very rarely puts me first, and quite often my needs fall below other people’s. HOWEVER, I also know I am someone who can be inclined to internally feel this when it’s not reasonable, so I would really appreciate some very honest feedback.

I’ve just started my NQT year and it’s been absolutely overwhelming and all-consuming. I stay at work until about 6pm and then usually also have work to do at home, every night. Standard for lots of jobs, but it’s a case of doing all of that to just about keep my head above water. He got a project at his job which also made him very busy this past term. His response to it was to dedicate all his energy to his project and not help around the house at all.

He normally doesn’t do much cleaning but he does cook which is a big help - he stopped doing that entirely. This meant we lived off easy food a bit because I didn’t have time to do all my work AND do all my usual house stuff AND cook every night. If I ever wanted him to help me with something or wanted us to go out for a walk it ALWAYS has to be “when I’ve finished this”. I had dental surgery in this time, and he wouldn’t go to the shops to get me soft food to eat for dinner “until he was ready” which ended up being 45 minutes so I just went myself. I didn’t mind this, and don’t think he was being unreasonable, but in the context of everything else that had gone on it seemed more annoying.

I sometimes just WISH he would put me first. It’s always “later”, “in a minute”, even to making us tea in the morning once in a while so I just make it for myself now.

Lots of the things I can think of are really not a huge deal at all, but I just feel they add up and make me feel that I am kind of... not important? Like he thinks because I’m his girlfriend that I’ll always be here and he doesn’t really have to consider my needs. The way he was when he had this project has affected how I see him because he could see how exhausted I was and he didn’t pitch in at all. I don’t think there was enough gap at all in the amount we had to do to justify him leaving absolutely everything else to me.

Sometimes I think... fuck, I’m in my 20s, is this definitely what I want for the rest of my life? To be with someone who rarely has my back in situations and doesn’t really treat me like a priority? But then - am I just being spoiled and expecting him to drop things for me?! God knows 😂

No it’s not you it’s him. Lazy sod , it’ll always fall on you. Make your life less stress free and kick him out

He does all the bills, car, waters all the plants and cooks (usually) and does the food shop online. He does pull his weight but I also feel that the things he chooses to do are things that he likes doing, if you see what I mean. I enjoy cleaning too so it’s ok, I am happy with our usual arrangement, but I feel like in times of stress we aren’t a team at all. He basically puts himself first totally and there’s no thought about what he could do to make my life easier too, despite his own stress, when I’m still trying to do those things for him.

You can do so much better than this. Living by yourself would be better than this. At least you wouldn’t feel resentful of his shitty treatment. Otherwise I’d treat him as he treats you. If that doesn’t show him what a selfish twat he is, nothing will.

NQT year is hard enough without the extra fear of COVID-19. Be strong and stand up for yourself x

Sometimes I think... fuck, I’m in my 20s, is this definitely what I want for the rest of my life?

Ffs, I really hope this isn't what you want, because it will never get better. I've been married to a man for 24+ years who has always put me first, and I can assure you your relationship is doomed to fail. You're already feeling resentful and taken for granted, imagine how bad you'd feel in another 10 years. Please please do not waste any more of your youth on him. You can do so much better.

He's busy. He doesn't care about housework, so why not just let it slide?
I can't see that a 45 minute wait to get some food shopping is horrendous. (Or why you feel overwhelmed by staying at work until 6pm! I've never had a job where I could count on leaving as early as that.) You sound a bit needy - why are you so exhausted by normal life at your age?

I'm SO happy that you're not married, don't have kids together and you're gainfully employed. Makes it so easy to break up with him.

Yes, you deserve better. No, he won't change. It will only get worse. Yes, better men exist. On your next relationship you won't fall into the trap of doing all the "wife work" while he prioritises himself.

Why don't you just go for a walk on your own if you can't wait for him to finish the piece of work you are doing?

I agree with PP - you sound needy and princessy to me.

Either way, if he isn't meeting your needs, you should end it.

@cuppycakey @katy1213 see, this is what I partially think which is why I’ve just put up with it for so long, because I think I’m just being silly.

But then I can’t help but think... when I want to go for a walk with him, that’s like - the one bit of time I get to spend with him on the weekend when we aren’t both working or he’s doing his own thing. I’m happy to go out on my own, but it’s also not mad to want to spend half an hour with your partner.

About going to the shops, I said I didn’t mind it, I think the issue which I didn’t mention because again it seems minor is that he will not ever go to the shops for anything, it always has to be me. Once I asked him to go in the morning before we went to work and he had such a strop, so it’s more of a “fucks sake you can’t even walk five minutes once in a blue moon to do me a favour when I’m in pain” thing. Not to drip feed obviously, I just didn’t want my OP to be an essay.

I don’t accept that my job isn’t overwhelming right now though, I get home around 6:45-7 due to a commute and then work for around another hour so to then do all the cooking and cleaning on top of that is a joke, sorry. While I said staying until 6 is typical of lots of jobs, everything else I do on top of it just isn’t the same for every job. That’s why I feel he was so unreasonable to leave everything else to me in that time. It should have been shared. I just want to feel like.. not just his housemate.

Obviously it should change now because his project is done so he will go back to having not much to do outside of his work hours (8-4). So hopefully I will be able to see him more, it’s just the way he basically ignored me for three weeks during a super stressful term has made me feel

Well if he will never go to the shops for anything that sounds rather odd. What's his reason?

I don't think you are compatible

He just doesn’t like it. Or can’t be bothered.
I think I agree with you

I honestly don't think you sound princessy or needy. What you're saying is when all is well you are happy with the status quo and the assigned roles, but when you're not well, or feeling a bit down you want a bit if extra tlc that makes you feel loved and appreciated? Please don't think this is being ott. I am exactly like you and like @Aquamarine1029 I married a man that takes care of me when I need him ( and I return the gesture). I would recommend it over and above the alternative. To me it's actually a very important part of a relationship.

What you're saying is when all is well you are happy with the status quo and the assigned roles, but when you're not well, or feeling a bit down you want a bit if extra tlc that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

Yes, that’s exactly it. Normally I’m fine with doing all the cleaning as I find it relaxing and he does plenty of other stuff, but when I really need him he just isn’t there. He won’t put himself out for me, when I will for him. When times get tough for us as individuals it’s like every man for himself rather than a partnership where we share the load, however much I try. Today we had an issue with the flat and he didn’t want me to text the landlady in case it was “too much for her after Christmas” - mate why are you being more considerate of our fucking landlady?!

It’s like, if he doesn’t want to do something then that’s it, he just won’t, regardless of how much it would help me. But he has also done things like lend me money when I need it and never ever made a thing of asking for it back, which has made things so much easier for me when I was studying. I really cannot thank him enough for that, but I don’t know if it’s enough to not be outweighed by the daily stuff.

You are not princessy, ffs, and yes, you are needy. We all are to a certain degree. You need to feel valued, and you're not getting that from him.

YANBU

I don’t think you are needy at all, this relationship just isn’t working, as soon as he is super busy with work that takes his whole focus. He can be busy and care about you at the same time, it shouldn’t be one or the other. You should not be expected to pick up all the slack on top of your full on job, it should be a partnership. He is basically saying his work is much more important than yours which isn’t fair.

Please don’t have children with this man. It would be much much worse for you. It is very likely that you would be working and dealing with all the childcare arrangements and any type of emergencies would fall to you. I can’t see him being the one to leave early from work or take time off judging by how he is now.

You are unhappy now and it is unlikely to change. I would consider ending this relationship now. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. You certainly don’t want the rest of your life to be like this. Just take a look through the endless threads on women who have been in unhappy relationships for 20+ years with men who don’t place any importance on their partners and home life. Don’t waste any more time with this man.