My abuser is dead, why do I feel this way (trigger warning)

[Whyisitaffectingmenow]

Im sorry this may be long.
Have name changed but am a regular poster for years.

Back story, at 16 I met a man, 7 years older than myself, fell head over heels, moved in with him after only 4 months, up till then he was perfect, then he almost changed over night.

In the years we were together I had many hospital trips, broken arm, nose, ribs, many black eyes.
Not only did he physically abuse me, it was mental aswell, he made me feel stupid and worthless, he controlled everything I did.
At 17 I fell pregnant, at 7 months pregnant whilst drunk he raped me and threw me down the stairs.
I went into labour and my beautiful little girl was born, she died shortly after birth.
Stupid fool I was believed the crap me fed me about how sorry he was and I forgave him, my parents had thrown me out at 15, I had nobody els.
Loosing my daughter broke me, I believed I was worth nothing, deserved the beatings, I never left the house, had no friends, all I had was him.

2 years later my second daughter was born, the absolute light of my life.
When she was 4 months old I got a severe beating, neibours called police, they heard me screaming, from that moment I realized it wasn't just me anymore, I had to protect my child.
I fled, started a new life with my daughter.

When she was 8 he found us, him and his mother took me to court for access, he got visitation at a contact centre.
Over the years from then sporadic contact.
My dd saw her gran regularly (ex's mother).
My daughter always new growing up what her father was like.
6 months ago after 3 yrs of no contact, dd ( now 20) was informed her father was in hospital, liver failure, had only days to live.
She wanted to go see him and begged me to stay with her.
I had to sit in that room and watch my child hold his hand, cry and tell him how much she loved him.
He died 2 days later.
My daughter fell to pieces so iv been supporting her.

Myself though, the memories cane flooding back, all the pain, the anger, the loss of my child.
I cant stop crying for him, for me, for my children.

I feel so bloody worthless, stupid, and so bloody guilty.
I cant talk to anyone irl, I just feel so lost.

Can you contact womens aid? They may have someone who you can talk to about this. Or get some counselling.

I have no advice but just wanted to how sorry I am that you have been through this. You are stronger than you know. Hopefully someone with something useful to add will be along soon but just wanted to give you a handhold and a hug

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve suffered. It was a huge thing for you to give your daughter that opportunity to say goodbye - she will be processing the loss of an idealised relationship she hoped for with her father, but it must hurt to see her grieve for someone from whom you had to fight to protect her. You too will have so many unsaid thoughts. If you can access some counselling, I’d absolutely do so.

I think some form of counselling would help you process this incredibly difficult situation. I know I’m just a person on the internet but I think you are far from useless and you’ve shown incredible strength and supporting your daughter despite how difficult it must have been for you shows what a terrific mother you are

I have been told that when an abuser dies it can bring up a lot of memories for their victim(S). So I think what you're feeling is normal on that front, ie you're not alone in that.

It is extremely hard though and I think too that maybe a spot of counselling will just help it all resettle quicker and in a way that won't get stirred up again, or not so much (like when your daughter one day gets pregnant).

What you've done for your daughter is utterly amazing given what he did to you. Utterly incredible. She will probably never quite understand it. We do though. You're an incredible mother, who more than makes up from the shit deal she got father-wise.

Thank you for the replies, made me tear up a bit.
My daughter wanted me to go to the funeral with her, I agreed as knew she needed me but when I got there I had a panic attack and couldn't go in.

Last week she scattered his ashes.

Alot of it has never really gone away, if my husband raises his voice it makes me flinch, often if he comes up behind me without me realising it terrifies me.
Trigger words still have an effect.

He knows everything I went through and tries to be supportive bless him.

I know Hes worried as iv been so distant lately but doesn't know why. We havnt slept together since ex died, I just don't want to be touched.
I think he's used to my occasional icy demeanor, its how iv always been, one moment I can be all over him, love bombing him, the nxt im like an ice queen.

Im having nightmares, where I'm back there, feels so real, that fear that he will kill me.

I dont know how I can get through, maybe counselling, I will look into it.
Feels better to get it all out on here so thank you xx

So sorry Op, definitely consider therapy. I was diagnosed with ptsd many years after the actual trauma due to a totally different event retriggering it. Certainly the nightmares, the flinching and the feeling terrified if you get startled all sound very familiar.

Could you start by having a chat with your GP?

Sounds like it might be PTSD - you went through so much, I'm sorry. . You're an absolute hero supporting your dd through this. Please take some care of yourself now, and look into maybe EMDR or other therapies to try to help you.

I was going to suggest EMDR too

You sound absolutely amazing.

I’m deeply sorry this happened to you.

I had PTSD diagnosed 30 years after the events that caused it, and it was then a four year battle to get the right treatment. Please contact your GP and then follow up relentlessly until you get the help you need, which may involve private healthcare. I needed medication, counselling, and EMDR so it’s not a quick or easy fix, but I’m doing great now. The same peace will come to you.

Wouldn’t get upset over a man who didn’t bother with your daughter for 11 years out of 20. Would remember all the bad stuff he had done to both you and your daughter your lucky he’s dead at least he can’t take you to court again only to let your daughter down again. He can’t knock abuse you both count your lucky stars and I’m a abuse victim saying this

I’m sure if your daughter was in hospital he properly wouldn’t turn up you and your daughter are giving this man way too much importance think this is properly been fed to her by his mother wouldn’t bother if I were you yes feel sad but see it as a stranger dying instead of a loving father who died

Think you are mourning the person you wanted him to be rather then the person he was. Think there was a hope he would realise and change his ways with you and your daughter and that unfortunately didn’t happen. Know it’s hard but you need to realise that what you hoped was him was infact some very unkind violent man who broke your bones and killed your daughter. Mourn but be happy that bad man is gone and you can now live freely without fear

The thing where you freeze if someone comes up behind you is a common trauma response.

Nightmares, responses to raised voice etc are also trauma responses (can be other things too, but highly likely to be trauma responses with what you've said).

There's no simple or fun way for it to go away, but these feelings can almost definitely be reduced. EMDR is also something I'd recommend as a first port of call. It's highly effective and used with soldiers returning from battle, amongst others. You, my dear, fought for your life every much as any of them did, just in a different way over a much longer period of time.

You're grieving for the person you originally loved, the family and happy times you could have had, if he had made different choices.

My childhood abuser died in 2017, all my life I expected I would celebrate his death with a nice G & T thinking of him burning away in hell and be happy I was finally free of him for good.

However, I cried and felt a loss, I hadn't seen him for over 20 years, I was angry at myself for shedding tears over a peadophile. I then realised I wasn't grieving for him, it was for the lovely family, a supportive parent, a happy home that we could have had, if he had made different choices. I stopped beating myself up and jut allowed myself to feel it. In the end I actually felt sorry him, a man who just wasn't capable of an ounce of empathy, compassion or love not only robbed us of that but himself.

I now just think what a waste of a life he was and realise we choose what we fill our lives with love and happiness or hate and bitterness and I choose love and kindness.

I'm glad I went through it now as I also realised that feeling those unwanted feelings at his death are what make me the complete opposite of the monster he was. He was bloody worthless and stupid abuser who threw his family away and somebody who loved him.

Apologies I meant your person who died was bloody worthless and stupid abuser who threw his family away and somebody who loved him. Place the blame where it should be and don't feel guilty just because he's dead, we are trained to only speak good of the dead but sometimes there just isn't a good word to say.

He’s dead having evaded justice. That makes things very difficult to process because the harm he did you and your children was incalculable, and you’re still suffering.

Once you have had the help you need, you will be able to move on, and eventually thrive. Living well is the best revenge. You will prevail.

Your a strong women brought up a child by yourself should be proud of that achievement and the fact you brought up a child that is nothing like her father. It’s very difficult bringing up children so well done to you. Your a amazing mum

Have you read about trauma bonding?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I feel so bloody worthless, stupid, and so bloody guilty

These are thoughts, not feelings. Sometimes we think things that aren't real or true. Try not to believe the thoughts, and your feelings might be more manageable. Your mind was an abuse victim, and keeps telling you these stories from how you were made to think of yourself in the past. It has been conditioned by cruelty. It needs to be retaught how to behave (in counselling, perhaps), but for the time being, try not to listen to it so much. It carries the shape of your past, and is allowing it to intrude upon today.

Wow what an amazing mother you are...you put the needs of your daughter before everything. What a lucky girl she is to have a mother like you. The inner strength you must have to sit in that room with your abuser and still be a tower of strength for you daughter just shows how selfless and amazing you are.

I'm so sorry you suffered from that and the pain it all brought up and I think counselling will really help you come to terms with it. You are an inspiration and now its time to show yourself some self love and get the help you deserve x

I'm so sorry you went through this but what an amazing mum you are supporting your daughter and putting her needs above your own.

Please consider some counselling.

One of my abusers passed away. I'll never be able to smooth over a load of the social damage he caused me, but he also isn't around to put anyone else through what he put me through. For that I am grateful.

I'm in trauma therapy currently, and we've done some emdr. It's really helping. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd.

I'm sorry you're going through this.