New Man

[MiriamShepherd]

I’ve been speaking with a man, and he is lovely. Really friendly, we get on great. We haven’t been able to meet yet as I’m in tier 4 (we met on a dating site) after years of being single it’s wonderful to be talking to a man who doesn’t disappear with no reason, who doesn’t expect me to be nothing more than a doll to put on a pedestal and, that he isn’t one of these who seems to be after sex, sex and more sex (not that I’m against sex but dating sites are rife with men who want sex from the moment you say hello)

But then, there’s the but. It’s so nice to be speaking to him and there’s no reason at all for me not to want to continue this. But there’s no spark, or excitement on my part. It’s nice to be talking to him, but that’s it, it’s just nice. When a message comes through I reply but I’m not really feeling it.

I’ve been single for a long time, and felt pretty hopeless over it over the years. I’ve come close to giving up many times. So should I keep talking to him and hope that some sort of spark happens or should I finish this conversation and hope there’s another person out there for me? (And let him meet someone who does feel the spark he doesn’t deserve lesser) I’m so tired of being single and he is such a nice man, but I don’t want to settle. Could I be overthinking this and expecting too much from online dating? Does the spark come later when you meet online?

Meet in person and see if there is a spark. People are different via text. See what he's like in the flesh.

You won’t know if there’s a spark until you meet. In my experience, sparks felt in messages aren’t often there when you meet, so no point getting too involved/worried just yet. Could you meet for a walk?

Don't overthink this until you meet in person. You might have great chemistry, maybe nothing. You won't know just by texting. If you're enjoying the chat I would be inclined to see where it goes. I have had almost nothing but perverts on OLD this year. A nice man, who isn't obsessed with sex, his ex or horoscopes (really) would be such a nice change.

Is he in the same area, could you meet for a walk?

I wouldn’t spend too much time chatting but I would meet him briefly for an hour as soon as possible.

Thank you all I’m clearly overthinking this. He’s in a tier two area (I think they’re still tier two who knows anymore) so we won’t be able to meet until I’m out of tier four. I may suggest a video call to get more of an idea.

It’s been a few days but I thought I’d update this thread instead of start a new one.

I was all ready to set up a video call and see if there is a spark between me and New Man, but. I didn’t have any urge to do it so I read back through our messages to get that buzz/excitement back. I realised why I’m not feeling it he’s a lovely man yes, but there’s no substance to his conversation it’s been two weeks and all we’ve discussed so far is what I would call small talk, don’t get me wrong i’m not expecting deep political conversations or to discuss childhood trauma or any of that but I expect a little more than how’s your day, what’s your favourite takeaway etc. Not only that but I realised I am the only one asking any questions and putting in any of the work to get to know more about him. So now I need to tell him this isn’t going to go any further which will be tough - not in a real relationship way but in a I hate letting people
down way and he mentioned earlier that we’ve been talking for two weeks which makes me wonder if he’s been enjoying this more than me (I know I don’t owe him anything)

If you stuck with me this long thanks, I think I needed to ramble before I message him. Oh well, on to the next one (I hope)

In reply to your update he could well be enjoying it more than you because you are giving him the opportunity to talk about himself and giving him attention... But if he isn't making the same effort in return I wouldn't even feel bad for calling it a day with him.

Could've written your post....exact same thing for me. Messaged quite alot over week or so....spoke on the phone but wasn't really feeling it. Spoke again next night and he said meet for a walk sometime but both in tier 4. I looked back over previous messages....lots of questions asked by me...doesn't even ask how I am when I've asked how he is, or doesn't ask about my day when I've asked about his. Decided to take a back seat...he sent me a happy new year message but didn't read it until tea time today despite being online previous times in the day. I just mirror his responses to the point where I just gradually back off.....maybe thats what you could do

Just a thought...

I have a FWB who I met in person on our first meeting.
He is so lovely, attentive, interesting and funny. We talk for hours every time we meet.
However he is the most boring person to text with ever!
I try and make conversation and he replies with just a few words. I used to say, 'are you not in the mood to chat to me right now?' and he would always say the same thing - ' I absolutely hate texting, can I give you a ring?'
So, imo you shouldn't give up until you have at least done your video call.

Why don’t you see how the video chat goes?

I think it would be worth to do a video call before you completely rule it out.

I'm a rubbish message-r - I hate having long text convos, particularly if I've not even met the person yet. Don't really want to be opening up and sharing stuff about my life with a stranger off the internet. So I don't ask a lot of questions either as don't want a loooong back and forth. However, in person I'm VERY chatty.

I don't think you can pick up on spark without meeting though! Real life isn't texting - real life is done with actual face-to-face conversations. So seems very hasty to write someone off before meeting them, or just on how they text in the early days. Spark is how they smile, or laugh or the twinkle in their eyes etc. Not sure how you can get that from just texting.

If you haven't binned him off yet, it's worth doing the video call..

I read all your messages last night but didn’t reply,
I haven’t binned him off - yet I’m going to see how the video chat goes although I find myself very bored by him for now maybe that will change. Some people do communicate differently through text compared to real life.