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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Progressing the relationship

18 replies

SummatWrong · 28/12/2020 14:30

I've been with my partner nearly 3 years. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the start but quickly fell for each other and agreed we had both changed what we wanted. We live separately and have no immediate plans to cohabit. He has adult DC that live at home and I have younger DC.

We have both met and spent time with each other's DC, but the DC have never met each other. One of his adult DC said they weren't ready and I respected their wishes, but this was a year ago.

My DP also doesn't open up emotionally to me or share important things going on in his life. I'm wondering if he ever will, and it leaves me feeling very sidelined. I've mentioned it and he agrees but nothing changes.

Please don't be just LTB. I have talked myself out of this a few times already.

I just worried that this is as good as it gets and I want us to share our lives more.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 14:34

Your relationship has no substance and that isn't going to change. Why wouldn't I recommend that you leave him? That's exactly what you should do, and I think you know it. Unless, of course, you enjoy being this dissatisfied.

Lemonpiano · 28/12/2020 14:37

Just because you wish something could happen, doesn't make it possible.

The relationship you have and the future you want are not compatible. You can't magic one into the other by sheer force of will.

Aprilx · 28/12/2020 14:50

I am a bit confused about you saying you want to share your lives more but not wanting to cohabit, because after three years that would seem to be the next step. Or when you said no plans to cohabit did you mean he doesn’t wish to but you do?

It does sound like this is as good as it is going to get unfortunately.

One thing you have made a point of that I think is a non event is that yours and his children have not met, particularly as his are adults. I can’t imagine wanting to meet my parent’s new partner’s young children if living as an independent adult. Wasn’t a situation I was ever in, but DH’s father married again and there has never been an introduction of the adult children on both sides, it is not something anyone is bothered about.

movingonup20 · 28/12/2020 16:02

I couldn't wait to introduce me adult DD's and dp was the same. I would question if you are really wanting the same outcome. 3 years is a long time

HotSince63 · 28/12/2020 16:10

I've mentioned it and he agrees but nothing changes
I just worried that this is as good as it gets

I don't know what advice anyone can give you? Genuinely, what do you want people to suggest?

Yes, this probably is about as good as it gets.

He doesn't open up emotionally
He doesn't share important things going on in his life
He has no plans for you to live together

I'm not sure which part of the above actually looks like a relationship to you?

Interesting that you say you both started out not wanting a relationship. It sounds like he said the words "I've changed my mind, I do want a relationship after all" 3 years ago, but his actions say the opposite.

Original poster

SummatWrong · 28/12/2020 16:47

Problem is, I'm not sure he is capable of sharing to the extent that I want/need. He is very independent. But then so am I, and I manage to open up and be vulnerable.

The cohabiting is not necessarily a natural progression when you are older. There won't be any new DC and we are both happy with our own separate homes.

I just want a fulfilling relationship, with romance and mutual support. Not asking too much am I?

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 28/12/2020 17:55

You are not asking too much.

But you are asking too much FROM HIM.

If you stay with him, which is what you seem to want to do, you must accept that the way the relationship is now, is how it will always be. If that isn't enough, then you have no other choice than to end it so you can find someone who is capable of the type of relationship you want.

Original poster

SummatWrong · 28/12/2020 19:42

I know you are all talking sense.

It is hard, because I think he thinks everything is fine and dandy. I try to be upfront but it doesn't seem to sink in.

OP posts:

litterbird · 28/12/2020 19:50

After 3 years this is as good as it gets I am afraid. Thats perfectly fine if that is what you want. However, it isn't so I know you dont want to LTB but if you want a fulfilling relationship it wont be from him sadly.

amillionwishes · 28/12/2020 20:00

@SummatWrong

I know you are all talking sense.

It is hard, because I think he thinks everything is fine and dandy. I try to be upfront but it doesn't seem to sink in.

If you're so much on the same page about things, why wouldn't it sink in? He's not even listening to what you're saying, or worse, ignoring it.

Outdoorsie · 29/12/2020 07:00

I'm in a similar position and am having a chat with boyfriend later today about how the relationship isn't progressing for me, we're drifting along after over 4 years, yet he seems happy enough.

HRHRomy · 29/12/2020 07:05

OK so I won't tell you to LTB but I will tell you is this is it as good as it will ever get. How can I speak with such authority? Because I married such a man. He never changed. My father, also never changed. People almost never change. It's up to you to decide whether having him in your life, on his own terms and in his own personal characteristics and emotional baggage and style is worth it or is your need for more from a partner surpasses what he can offer you?

Make an informed decision on who he is now not what he could or maybe might become with a bit more nagging. It just won't happen.

Seafog · 29/12/2020 07:13

You need to raise the bar.
If you don't set standards and keep them, he won't respect them or you.

AgentJohnson · 29/12/2020 08:44

I think he thinks everything is fine and dandy.

Well, it is for him. He doesn’t want to change, he tells you what you want to hear in the hope that you will STFU.

Do really want a relationship with someone who will lie to you and who can’t communicate? This is who he is, accept it or move on.

AgentJohnson · 29/12/2020 08:45

I think he thinks everything is fine and dandy.

Well, it is for him. He doesn’t want to change, he tells you what you want to hear in the hope that you will STFU.

Do really want a relationship with someone who will lie to you and who can’t communicate? This is who he is, accept it or move on.

lilylongjohn · 29/12/2020 08:49

Sounds like it's less about progressing the relationship, as I think this is as far as it goes, but more about him being emotionally available. You don't have to live together to have a strong deep bond. It's not deep because he's only sharing superficial details with you.

SimplyRadishing · 29/12/2020 08:52

My DP also doesn't open up emotionally to me or share important things going on in his life.

This IS as good as it gets.
Are you happy with that?
Agree with others you dont sound so on the same page.

Problem is, I'm not sure he is capable of sharing to the extent that I want/need. He is very independent. But then so am I, and I manage to open up and be vulnerable.

You sound like you are really second guessing yourself here but you shouldn't its a reasonable and normal expectation.
My DH (who I married in under 3 years) is verrrrry private but is vulnerable/his true self with me.

What I would say is love as a parent is complicated. So it may be this is as good as it gets and it may be you are okay with that. Equally you are not wrong to expect more

Original poster

SummatWrong · 29/12/2020 09:41

I am reading and digesting all your advice, thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

I think you are all right, I just don't want you to be.

OP posts:

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