Having trouble with my husband

[blvdbrokendreams]

This might be long. Me and my husband have been together 8 years and married for 2. We have one child, a little girl who's 4 months. My husband has never been the best at communicating. Rather than talking it out he prefers to sit in silence and usually brings things up when we are in the middle of an argument. I have very strong suspicions that he may be on the autism spectrum, a suspicion his parents share but never had any tests done as a child. As an adult he point blank refuses to even consider it. In addition to his communicating issues all his hobbies become obsessions, since having our child he has point blank refused to even consider downsizing the mountain of hobby stuff he has to make room for our little one. And I am talking a mountain of stuff. He is very regimented. If our routine changes he can't cope and will shut down and won't say anything to anyone. When we argue like I imagine most couples do he wants to go upstairs to bed for a couple of hours and when he wakes up he's back to normal and fine and happy. I get nowhere with anything. If i express how I'm feeling im wrong. If he doesn't understand it im wrong. He has an obsession with being right. Example today I changed our daughters nappy, it hadn't been done for 5 hours. I know this because the nappy I changed at 9 is still in the bin. I get it. Mistakes happen and I've missed the nappy or two. But he sits there determined to prove me wrong and that he did change her more recently even though the evidence is in front of him. The main reason im posting is I don't know what to do. Hes a lovely caring man who adores his daughter but the communication side is killing me. Its affecting my mental health to even be scared to say how im feeling for fear of being shot down. I just dont know what to do

Whatever issues your DH may or may not have they do not trump your feelings or your daughters needs.
I would suggest counselling. Either for him or as a couple.
Because a lot of this is unacceptable. And left unchecked becomes selfishness, neglect & emotional abuse.
Do not allow him to negate you & your daughters needs.

If you think he is on the spectrum then I would suggest talking to a charity that works with adult ASD and their families as they may have advice for communication. Often it can be about how you phrase things, rather than now being able to say them. So certain phrases might make him retreat or put his walls up, but if you phrased it a different way he may respond differently. I know that seems like you doing all the work but you have to remember If he has autism or Asperger's, he literally can't help it because he is viewing the world in a different way. As he won't seek support it makes things more difficult but I'd imagine charities will be still be able to offer advice.

Ultimately he needs to accept and address the issues he has. Part of that may be about you amending the way you communicate with him, but he also has to accept that he is not neurotypical and engage with support so that he too can adapt. It is not reasonable of him to expect you to do all the changing - and of course there is also the issue of how he is going to function as a parent if he does not do the work. Your DD is a tiny baby now, but soon she will be a stroppy toddler, then school age, then a teenager. He isn't allowed to just carry on as he is, with the impact that will have on her.

And of course your MH is also important - you have a right to a peaceful happy life.

I agree with some form of counselling, but there have to be consequences if he refuses to engage.