How does splitting up actually work? And is liking my life enough to stay?

[Ijustdontknowwhattodoxx]

This is really painful to write. Been with DP for 5 years. We’ve owned a house together for 2 - it is my dream home and we’ve renovated it. On a day to day basis I generally like our life together. We have a dog who is like our child, we love him so much.

But I feel like something is missing. DP can be very supportive, particularly during hard times, I find him attractive, we have good sex (albeit not as often as we used to), we are both equally career minded and ambitious and we have some common interests (although not as many as some couples)

However, he can also be maddeningly difficult. I am 99% sure he has some level of undiagnosed ASD. Without going into all the details he can be very selfish, childlike almost - that’s mine, I wanted to do that, I don’t like that etc etc. If plans change he cannot deal with it. He is often quite tight with money for weird reasons (he’s fairly good at presents but will not want to go out for dinner etc). He is very much in his own world a lot of the time and would happily spend a whole day just on his computer. We often end up watching things he wants to watch because I’m open minded - he would very rarely watch anything just because I want to.

I pretty much do everything round the house. If it was up to him the house would be cleaned probably once a month, if that. He’ll do things if I ask but he’s like a teenager and huffs or says he’ll do it later and forgets.

But then I fantasise about him proposing. I want to have a baby with him in the future. I wonder if part of my doubts are because he doesn’t make much effort and I don’t feel that appreciated. Something like a proposal would make me feel cherished? I love him and I want nothing more than for us to be happy together.

I’ve started thinking about what would happen if we broke up. Neither of us could really afford the house on our own. We’d have to sell it and I would be totally heartbroken. And who would have the dog?! Where would we both live??

Honestly the thought of being without the house, the dog and being back to being single and having to date just makes me want to die. I’m 32 and I’d feel I had wasted my youth. But I don’t know if that’s more the idea of it rather than him?

I’d like to know if anyone else feels like this, or has done and what they did about it and how break ups actually work in this situation?!?

I am not certain either way

The house, the dog, the presents are all just stuff and you can and will manage without them. He sounds immature and selfish and he would need to change if you did have a child. Some men can do this, others struggle with it. If you think he has the maturity to change then perhaps stay, but be prepared that your life will be very hard parenting on your 'own' if he can't rise to the challenge. Or take your chances and try to find someone else.

@coronafiona

The house, the dog, the presents are all just stuff and you can and will manage without them. He sounds immature and selfish and he would need to change if you did have a child. Some men can do this, others struggle with it. If you think he has the maturity to change then perhaps stay, but be prepared that your life will be very hard parenting on your 'own' if he can't rise to the challenge. Or take your chances and try to find someone else.

This is the crux I think - he needs to grow up and not act like a child when things don’t go his way.

It sounds silly but he’s great and very responsible with the dog. We’ve talked openly about having children and it’s something we both want to do.

On one hand I can see us having a good life together. On the other I don’t know if he’d be one of those men who gets worse when kids come along.

I think I’m a victim of social media envy as we do not do all the cute couple things that I see on Instagram every day. I don’t know what is just normal life and whether I have too high expectations?

I've been married for over 30 years. He is not my soul mate and we have had our fair share of problems over the years, but basically it works.

We have not had children. I am pretty sure they would have upset the apple cart and we would have split. You need to think carefully about the practicalities, given he is not currently good at providing everyday help. Perhaps a full and frank discussion about that topic is in order, because he will have to pull his weight more if you have a child (unless you can afford outside help).

As for feeling cherished - well, some men are simply hopeless at the romantic stuff. My husband has got better about voicing his appreciation of me since I threatened a divorce because I genuinely didn't think he loved me. He actually does but can't demonstrate it in a romantic way. He can also act like a giant toddler and used to do so a lot more before I stopped him getting away with it so often.

For us the positives outweigh the negatives but I've realised that I need to take the driving seat in this relationship or my needs will be ignored.