Relationship destroyed

[Partygirl2021]

Hi all I’ve been a longtime lurker and wanted some advice. I was in a relationship for 11 years, married for two. Separated 10 months ago and have a now 1 year old (with exH). He was a compulsive liar for years - alcohol abuse (hiding empty drinks cans and bottles, filling vodka bottles with water etc) and was very selfish with money (never paid for nice things for our home but bought himself a motorbike just before our baby was born), that kind of thing. He also gave his mother access to our finances online and she managed our bank account on an almost weekly basis (telling him what direct debits were due and how much, when he should pay his cc, how much my phone bill was). Enough was enough for me at the start of this year and I filed for divorce. He is a useless father but now starting court proceedings for custody. I feel like he has destroyed my life and I will never trust anyone again. I obviously don’t want to meet anyone else but how could someone be so awful to the person they married? Looking back he never loved me and I don’t know why he asked me to marry him (I never asked for a ring in case you think it was me pushing it). I wish him and his hideous mother would leave me alone to pick up the pieces of my and my baby’s life.

Have you frequently posted about this before ?

No? I am a new member

You got married and had a baby after being together for several years together. Was this behaviour throughout the relationship? Is so why marry him and have a baby with him?

As to why he treated you like shit. I'm sure it's complex but a part of it would be because he could. And it sounds like he needed help to live as an adult so you probably were important to keep around so he could live properly.

I think some more knowledgable people than me will come along with some advice shortly but I would think he will get some custody eventually. I wouldnt refuse contact completely because it might not reflect well on you but I would offer little and often so that the baby can get used to him. If he refuses and messes you about it won't reflect well on him. I would keep evidence of everything, keep all contact between you in writing and follow up in writing every time eg 'I note you cancelled today with 5 minutes notice and the baby was upset'. I would keep any contact between him and the baby supervised initially until you are satisfied the baby is comfortable with him and safe. Again make sure it's all in writing. In your correspondence and any time you go to court then don't mention your marriage or any of the shit he did to you as in their eyes it wont be relevant. Keep it purely to what is in the childs best interests. Eg it's in the childs best interests to have consistent frequent short supervised contact until they have established a relationship, it's not in the childs best interests to have overnight stays with someone they don't spend that much time with until they are two or so, etc. Don't give him the chance to say you're just using the child against him because you're bitter about the relationship not working out etc and don't bring money into it unless it's relevant to your childs care eg he wouldnt have money for food for them. Good luck

He has unlimited access to our child supervised by me at mutually convenient times. I’ve never denied access. I keep a record of all visits and timings and everything is put in texts for writing. He was awful for the first few months of separation not turning up, being late without reason etc. His solicitor was notified of this and provided with a record of all issues. He has improved over the last few weeks but for a few months he would also disappear for a few weeks at a time if we had an argument and wouldn’t even check in on his child. He has also never paid CM or offered to buy anything for our baby.