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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't tell his family about us

7 replies

Kittycat81 · 28/12/2020 13:06

Just looking an outside perspective really. I moved in with my DP at the beginning of February just before first lockdown. It didn't take long for things to escalate. We were both drinking too much, things got physical and he spent the night in a police cell. I made the choice to drop the charges as I could see fault on both sides.

Anyway, since then he hasn't been living with me as I don't think it would work for us after what happened last time but we've been in touch constantly during the day, I see him at least every other day and we stay at each other's houses regularly. We are still in a relationship.

The reason I'm annoyed is that he hasn't told his family we're back together. Apparently his mum hates me as she thinks I called the police nevermind the fact her DS was arrested for being violent. Confidentially, I didn't call the police, the neighbours did not that it matters.

He is currently at his parents house for the Christmas holidays and while he has been texting me I only get a 2 minute sneaky phonecall per day while he is out having a smoke. I feel like I have been totally used and that I'm ok for company when I'm in the town we both live in but as soon as he's with others and especially his family I'm the dirty little secret that he can't tell anyone about.

I told him this last night (through text message as he couldn't pick up the phone). Said I didn't see how our "relationship" had any kind of future if he couldn't man up and tell his family about us. We are not children-both in our 30s and I am not being with this man child any longer if he can't treat me with respect. It has only been over the last few days that I have realised to what extent his family really have no clue we're still together.

I haven't contacted him today and he can basically fuck off. I think he thinks I was just being hot-headed and will come back today to apologise. No way!!

Just needed to get that out there. Thank you. I'm fuming.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 28/12/2020 13:10

Definitely end the relationship, because of the violence if nothing else.

trevorandsimon · 28/12/2020 13:18

Do you think him ending up in a police cell is normal and treating you with respect?!!! Honestly, if you think that is Normal and ok then you need some advice on what a food relationship is. Bin him and find someone who would look out of place on Jeremy Kyle.

Kittycat81 · 28/12/2020 13:23

Thank you for the comments. Re the violence I suppose I just saw it as a drinking episode where things escalated and he has never been that way with me since. The reason I'm so angry is that I think how dare he keep me a secret and practically ignore me for a week but yet use me every day for company when we're in the same town.

He did the same thing several months ago when his mum stayed with him for a week but at that time I thought she at least knew we were together. Now I realise that none of his family know and that he has more than likely said we're not in touch anymore. Apparently he doesn't want to rock the boat over Christmas as they're all getting on well. Well, lucky him as I've spent Christmas on my own and actually stuck to lockdown rules whilst his whole family have got together. A proper phonecall would be nice where he doesn't say he has to go as somebody's coming.

OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 28/12/2020 13:29

Keeping you a secret is not a bigger problem than being violent towards you. What is going on in your head?

I am not being with this man child any longer if he can't treat me with respect.

You think violence is respectful? That made you feel respected? That seemed like a good thing to continue?

There is no future with a violent person.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2020 13:36

You’re focussing on the wrong thing.

It’s not a normal or healthy relationship. Who gives a fuck what his family think?

The only amount of acceptable violence is none. And why didn’t you phone the police?! My neighbours are like this, drinking and fighting at volume. It’s incredibly upsetting to listen to and I’ve hated having to phone the police before but people only do that when they’re very worried.

You need to ditch him and reassess your boundaries so you don’t end up in such a messed up dangerous dynamic in future.

DianaT1969 · 28/12/2020 14:18

Why are you alone at Christmas OP? Is he your bubble of choice? Did you choose him over your family and friends?
Now's the time to stop that and spend your time with others.
You want him to tell the world "this is my girlfriend". I don't think that's going to happen. You are downplaying his violence towards you. I'm not sure why. Your OP makes it sound as if you are both alcoholics. Do you want to get help with that?

Kittycat81 · 28/12/2020 23:49

Update just to say I've blocked him on everything. He still didnt ring me this evening and when I confronted him I got...
Ach not this again, I’ll talk to you in the morning when you’re thinking straight. Love you x

ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
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