Can it work with different attitudes to money?

[WelcomeBackAmelia]

Hi all, I am currently single and dating.

My last relationships have been with men with very different attitudes to money from mine, and I have been thinking lately about whether I should be more selective with my dating choices and take that criterion in consideration.

I am careful with money, never had any debts, I save a good amount every month, invest in the stock market, and have private pension provisions. I am 31 and have a pretty good job that I work extremely hard at. No previous marriages, no DC.

In the past I have dated men who were big spenders, didn't save, spent a lot of money on treats and vices (like smoking and alcohol). These men were never broke per se as they had decent jobs, and the relationships didn't end because of our different attitudes to money. However I have recently been thinking that perhaps down the line that might have become a dealbreaker for me.

So I thought I would tap into the mumsnet collective wisdom and ask for other people experiences. Do you think having different attitudes to money is the kiss of death for a long-term relationship? Is it something you can compromise on? Have you dated people with very different attitudes to money?

I think money is one of the big reasons for break-ups.

If you're intending a living-together, having children together, pooling resources type relationship, then it really matters if the other person isn't on the same page. You just can't progress as a team if your partner doesn't share the same goals.

Say you want to save for a deposit, and their money flows through their fingers, either you end up doing the saving and that's unfair, or you end up bossing them about over money and that's unhealthy.

You need to have similar attitudes and aspirations.

You need similar attitudes to money definitely, for it to work long term

No. I was married to a man who was beyond appalling with money. He was selfish and abusive too.

I’m now married to a grown up with a similar financial outlook to me and it’s amazing the difference it makes.

I don't think it can. I am careful with moeny, I spend and save but don't get into debt really unless it's for something specific like a car or whatever with a plan on how to pay back. but mostly I save if I need something.
I am just divorcing my husband of 13 years as he kept running up debts through the marriage, me as ever using a hefty amount of savings to pay back his stupid purchases. In the end its one of the things that broke us permanently as I won't help anymore. Totally wore me out.

I think having different incomes is one thing, but a different attitude to spending can really cause a problem. It sounds as though you've got a great grip on your money. Why would you want to be with someone who spends without thinking? You know damn well you'll have to bail them out if you stay together long enough.

It can but needs very good communication and for you both to live and let live. I like to enjoy my life - take the kids out, go for a coffee when I feel like it, pay for swimming/dancing/whatever it is they want to do. My husband likes to save save save for god knows what. We used to do our own thing, then when I gave up work for a few years to be a sahm when DD2 was born we had some bad rows about it. We solved it by having the same amount of money paid into our account each month to do what we want with - I spend mine on the kids and he saves most of his up (gets spent on holidays and the house so its not like he's amassing a big pot of money for himself). No arguments over me spending 200 quid on underwater photos of the baby, or him buying a 350 quid lawnmower when the old one still works. If I need money out of the savings he will hand it over no problem but I generally don't need to. We only use the joint account for bills so no spying on each others spending! Works for us.

As long as they can pay their half of bills, saved a little and didn’t gamble then I’d be ok with slightly different spending habits.

I’d not settle for a partner who didn’t pay their way or think savings were not important.

Everything is a compromise to some extent in long term relationships. However I think you need to have very similar core values, priorities and morals to go the distance.

If your partner has a totally different attitude to money how will you reach compromise? You will either end up resenting him or subsidising him financially, or both. Would you be happy with that?

I think if you lived together and had dc it could become an issue.

My ex was very frivolous with money, no savings, no pension etc. I would save and had a decent pension.

Trouble was, when it came to the big stuff like holidays, cars and house deposits it was always me that paid most, if not all, as he never had any savings. I also knew he was looking at my pension to provide for him also in his old age.

He'd spend all his money on his hobbies as he knew I had the 'boring stuff' covered . Which bred resentment on my part as he got to do what he wanted, and I had to go without to save for both of us.

It was one of the reasons we split in the end. We got divorced, and low and behold he went after part of my pension. I stood firm and dangled a few ££'a's at him, and his greediness with money took over, he took the cash and left my PENSION, but it could have been a very different story and I could have lost a lot

Money is:

• the work you did to get it
• the free time you have, now that you've earned enough
• choices: about where to go, what to do, where you can live
• freedom
• safety and security

It absolutely is a deal-breaker if your essential values around all this are not the same.

I think it matters a lot longer term. My DH has a different approach and we have frequently disagreed badly over it.

My exh was terrible with money and I was very careful. This was one of the main reasons for our divorce.

When met my (now) husband one of the things that confirmed he was a catch was the fact that we both prioritise bills , like to save , and only spend what we can genuinely afford on treats. We never argue about money as a result.

I think you are very sensible to think about this. When I rule the world, no-one's going to be allowed to get hitched until they do a questionnaire about money, sex and children and get similar scores.

Similar attitudes to money are absolutely critical to long term relationship success

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and opinions.

The recent relationships I mention in my OP never progressed to the point of discussing finances seriously or living together. With the benefit of hindsight, I should add "thank God"

I remember my most recent ex, commenting on the average salary in France (2000 Euro) "I have spent more money on a night out"

That was the first I time I seriously thought to myself "oh dear". We broke up shortly afterwards, for unrelated reasons.

I think it depends on whether it is a deeply rooted attitude or a temporary habit. I've known people who spend freely because they can, but yet are able to rein it it when they have to save for something or if finances become tighter. Many people can moderate their behaviour a bit. My dh is a saver, saving for the rainy day that might happen after the rainy day and the one after that But he has moderated his approach and behaviour and can now spend on things without becoming anxious, as long as he's not on his last penny.

However, I had a previous bf who was appalling with money (even though he had a high earning job). He was gifted £1,000 by his parents and bought a mountain bike, AND a holiday, AND splashed out on new clothes and a watch. He couldn't seem to see that he was spending the same money 3 times over. He also lied about money. To me, to an insurance company, to friends. He earned more than me but was always in debt and always thinking about dubious ways to get out of it. I loved him in so many ways but eventually our different approaches to finance drive us apart. And it made me very, very cautious before joining finances with my now dh.

Ex bf hasn't changed. Years after I knew him he faced a professional enquiry about something unrelated and the background report cited family stress and financial difficulties (and he was still in a high earning job).

I think if you can keep finances separate it could work but you would probably need similar incomes for this, children would make it trickier too. If you both pay your share of household bills and do what you like with leftovers, it would be possible.

@Dontweallfeelthiswaysometimes

Money is:

• the work you did to get it
• the free time you have, now that you've earned enough
• choices: about where to go, what to do, where you can live
• freedom
• safety and security

It absolutely is a deal-breaker if your essential values around all this are not the same.

This is such a good way to put it.

I've never understood "adults" who were "bad" with money...it's very basic common sense that you budget for essentials first and save some money for a rainy day before spending on non-essentials/treats, not fritter away what you don't have. Even a small child knows they can't spend more than they actually have in their piggy bank. Such people to me are utterly irresponsible and shouldn't call themselves adults.

Financial issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so yes, you need to be on the same page.

Me and DH have different attitudes to money; when we first got together he was a big spender and I really wasn’t. Over time we’ve both mellowed a bit more; he’s made me see that it’s good to treat yourself and I’ve made him see the importance of saving for a rainy day. It has caused us issues in the past but we’ve found ways round it over time; I look after our savings and make sure we put money away for Christmas over the year. We keep fairly separate finances once bills and essentials are paid for so if he wants to use his available money on a big purchase then that’s his choice

The other thing to be aware of is that being "bad" with money normally goes hand in hand with being dishonest about their spending and a selfish expectation that you exist as an ATM to bail them out. No responsible adult wants to deal with lies over something as fundamental as money.

On the surface of it I look like I'm frivolous with money. I think nothing of buying a takeaway coffee or an item of clothing that I fancy, however saving is important to me too and I don't have any debts.
I wouldn't want to date someone who was a spendthrift but there is a line where being careful turns into being a tightwad. I dated a guy who counted every penny, took a flask everywhere and had a little change purse. It sucked the joy out of life. Do you have 'fun money'?

@Northernsoullover good point actually. I am very fortunate that I have a good salary, which means I can both save and treat myself with coffees/ meals out, clothes, and nice things as long as it is within reason.

I try to be mindful of what I spend my money on, but I definitely don't lead the life of a monk and I budget for plenty of "fun money" (I understand that the concept of "plenty" is subjective though!).

I get you. My idea of a meal out might be a nice local cafe, not The Ivy. My tightwad ex would bring jam sandwiches . He once proudly told me that his lunch cost 7 pence a day

I think you have hit the nail on the head about having the same attitude towards money. For me having the same attitude doesn’t mean earnings need to be equal, it doesn’t mean we need to prorate all the bills or have an equal amount of “spending money”.

DH and I are fortunately on the same page regarding money. We share completely, we don’t have a joint account at the moment although we have in the past (when we lived overseas) but we still effectively pool money. We think about the future but we also agree that we can’t take it (money) with us so we spend money on ourselves for the here and now too.

Your post OP, make me think that for example you and I would not be compatible financially. I like having vices , I make impulse purchases, you maybe have a different approach. I don’t think either of us is right or wrong, but it is a different attitude that could lead to issues.

DH and I share money between us freely, we can both buy whatever we want but we always discuss larger purchases. We have literally never argued about money and we do argue at times, but money is an area we are so alike in our attitudes and I am pleased that this is an area that has never caused us issues.

My sister was with her husband for 30years and they had different attitudes, she used to complain to me about him no end and I think it was the cause of many arguments between them. When she complained to me it was always about him buying things they “didn’t need”, I never said anything, but I know I was more like him than her.