Should I ask him?

[SpareRoom]

Before I start this, I want to say that I'm autistic. I've always struggled with interpersonal relationships with friends, in relationships and with colleagues. I've got a lot better at it over the years because I have a few very good friends who i trust to give me an NT interpretation of situations. This has meant that I have some genuine friendships now and am able to connect with my work colleagues better than before. A lot of it is performative on my part, rather than genuinely feeling/getting it, but it works.

But one thing I haven't been able to crack is relationships. The only people who could give me an insight into what I'm doing 'wrong' are men I've dated but I generally wouldn't ask a man where I went wrong. And also, I've not stayed friendly enough with any of my exes to ask them.

I recently dated a man for about 10 minths. We split up but got on and liked each other so we remained friends.

He's actually become a good friend. So much so that we spent Christmas Eve together, and spent the evening together yesterday and I stayed over at his house last night in the spare room (we are still a bubble). It's not the first time I've stayed. He hasn't tried it on with me. He's clearly not after sex.

A couple of weeks ago, we spent the evening together and it was lovely - romantic and intimate but not at all sexual. Some mild flirting but nothing provocative all just very innocent. I didn't read anything into but, if I'm honest, the whole thing left me feeling a bit sad that I've never had an evening like that with a boyfriend. And I don't know why. It was perfect really.

I'm guessing that, in part, it was because I'm different now we are just friends. I want to ask him why it happened. Not because I'm hurt or hoping it was more. The answer is it happened because it felt right that evening. But I want to know why it felt right and why it didn't feel right when we were together. What is different now?

I trust him to be honest with me. Should I ask him?

The only way I'm going to get better at this is by communicating with someone about it but no one else can answer it.

I think most people would struggle to understand that scenario, autistic or not.

I am not clear what you want from this man, do you want a romantic relationship again? If you do, then maybe you need to have a conversation.

However if you do not want anything else and are merely curious as to why that evening was nice whereas previously it was not, to be honest I think it would be quite an awkward conversation and not one I would bother with having.

I do think it is about asking yourself what you want from him. If you are happy with things as they are, then that is fine.

OP when you say you split up, who instigated the split? If it was you, it might be he’d be happy to try again but is too scared to ruin a good friendship.

I'm not sure what I want.

I'm very good at comparmentalising my feelings. I was/am happy with being friends but my feelings were shaken up that night. I don't think it was his intention to upset me. I don't know if he was trying to restart something but a confused and non committal response from me put him of trying again (that's one of the things I need t work on. My responses can be a bit 'flat' apparently) or if it was just Christmas and the way he was feeling that night. He's not a horrible person or a player. He's very genuine and lacks confidence generally.

It came as a bit of a shock but it just made me sad that it was such a beautiful and perfect evening that was nothing in reality.

I would like a conversation with him.
I would like to try again if it were a possibility.
I would he able to continue the friendship if not but wouldn't want a repeat of the previous 'perfect evening,'
But I don't want to ruin things and I don't know how to bring it up.

TossCointoYerWitcher

Hard to say.

I initiated the conversation by phoning him up to tell him I wasn't happy but i really just wanted a conversation.

He said he had been expecting the call because I'd taken something home I normally left there and he kind of ran with it then. I felt it was a defensive move so that he didn't lose face or appear hurt. We were chatting like old friends by the end of the phone call and he sounded quite 'melancholy' when he said it was good to hear me laughing. He sounded a bit sad at the end. It was quite obvious for me to pick up on it.

It was he who initiated the friendship following the break up and he is the one who invited me to stop the night etc. We've spent am awful lot of time together since splitting up. We clearly enjoy each other's company.

Actually, that's not true. I had phoned to end it but inreally hoped we'd be able to have a conversation that would make it all ok again.

Last night, we had a really lovely evening. He invited me over to help him build a model he'd had for christmas and we had a really nice evening doing that.

Afterwards, we were sitting on the sofa chatting and I rested my head against his arm. I didnt really think about it but I am quite sensory seeking and touch is a big thing for me. It helps me to feel connected to people.

After a couple of minutes, he started telling me about a spot he has on his lip that has been irritating him. Not very romantic I know! But it made me wonder whether he was thinking about kissing and that is why he mentioned it. Because it was on his mind.

In the past, one of my friends has said that when someone says something that is a bit "where did that come from?" its because they have often been thinking about something that led them to that.

But I can't read people or situations well enough to be able to tell for myself

It sounds as if you’re confused about what you want and are giving off all kinds of mixed signals as a result. That sounds to me like far more of an issue than you ‘misreading’ situations.

If I'm giving off mixed signals it's because I don't know if I'm reading it right.

I would like to be with him but I would rather protect the friendship than get it wrong and mess it up.

I don't know how to let him know I'm interested without saying it outright.

But what I’m saying is that you need to focus on your feelings, and on what you want, not on ‘reading’ him.

I want him.

I like him, I find him attractive and I care about him very much.

OP I think he’s very likely to want you too, but is being incredibly sensitive to your feelings. As a man, it sounds like he picked up you were going “off” him so predicted you were going to dump him and assumed you just liked him as a friend. He’s doing exactly what you’re doing: trying to read your signals and adapt himself accordingly. At the moment, the signal he’s been given is “I like you but not in a romantic way”.

Given he appears so sensitive it is probably unlikely he will shift from this position unless you, yourself, make it clear your feelings have changed or initiate a conversation about what’s happening.

TossCointoYerWitcher

Thanks.

I'll consider this.

Did you post about this a few days ago?
I think the only way forward is to tell him outright that you like him. He probably likes you too but is likely afraid of getting rejected again. Either way, even if you don’t get the outcome you want, it is better and far less frustrating to know for sure. The only thing I would say is that you need to be sure in your head that you want to give things another go romantically before you talk to him. If you’re still not sure it’s just messing him around.