Is this a common pattern of emotional abuse?

[Namechangegazillion]

DH picks on something I’ve done - usually something vaguely annoying but nothing more.

Ascribes malicious intent to it

Goes on and on about it.

Either I apologise to shut him up or I get cross.

If I get cross I say things which probably aren’t very nice in anger. I always apologise for these but these apologies are rejected. I am told I’m always trying to start a fight and eventually, if it’s really bad, get the silent treatment.

At the moment we’re at the silent treatment stage and I am struggling not to grovel just to end it.

In fairness if I don’t get cross he usually eventually quasi apologised for getting angry.

Is this EA or am I being sensitive?

It does sound abusive. Read Lundy's "why does he do that?"

I’ve read that but it didn’t really ring true. Do you have any other recommendations?

This is exactly how my DH behaves too. Also any grievance I raise is dismissed and turned around onto me so I have to put up and shut up. He is completely irrational and just shouts over me if I try to explain what I'm upset about.

I believe this is emotional abuse and I've had enough but I'm so scared of ending it because I know he will make things difficult and it will have a huge negative impact on my DC (age 7)

Do you have children OP?

I feel nervous about raising grievances definitely, but he isn’t that bad if I do so. I think I’m nervous because I hate confrontation.

Yes we have a five month old. He has special needs and the thought of being alone terrifies me.

I’m so angry at myself for not being just ‘grey rock’ at the first part of the cycle. Now I’m blaming myself which is awful. I feel like I have to be squeaky clean to warrant that eventual apology. I just get so worked up.

How long have you realised it’s not healthy @Rainbowdash73? It’s so hard isn’t it.

I feel like maybe he’s getting worse because he can see I am just getting more irate at his behaviour these days. I also feel like he must just like fighting, despite him saying it’s me.

If I'm brutally honest there were red flags from the beginning. (together 11 years). At first I could do no wrong and he was madly in love with me telling me i was perfect for him etc, then when i wasnt 'perfect' in his eyes, he would go on and on about whatever small thing I'd done to annoy him. Even on our honeymoon, he had a massive melt down over nothing and sulked for 2 days but of couse I swept it under the carpet believing that it wouldn't happen again.
He experienced abuse as a child which he's never dealt with and refuses to have counselling.
He's possessive and jealous and hates it if I'm 'over friendly' with anyone male or female. He's ruined many weekends away, nights out etc with his jealousy which is rarely justified.
It's only recently that I've seriously considered leaving after reading a lot of good advice on here and Lundy Bancroft.

It's so hard because as you say, when he is nice, it's great and you cant believe the same man can treat you so badly.

Keep posting your feelings on here, it helps.

Yes, it sounds textbook to me. There is nothing you can do to change this, even if you grey rock, even if you were 99% perfect, he would jump on that 1% and never let go. It's not your responsibility to manage another person's flaws.

You could try the verbally abusive relationship by Pat Evans. I think she has a website with some summaries. Including things like double standards, invalidation, silent treatment, judging, criticising etc.

A healthy relationship is freeing not suffocating. He could be getting worse or perhaps you're getting wiser?

Thank you. I will try that.

@Rainbowdash73 that sounds familiar - a lot of holidays etc have been ruined for me by overreactions and sulks. The first few had grains of truth in them and I felt guilty. It’s only in the long term that the pattern is really undeniable. He didn’t love bomb though at the beginning.

I feel like now I’m just wishing I hadn’t met him - I keep fantasising about going back and changing things. But at the same time I just don’t think I can leave. Do you think you’re in that headspace yet?

Also how often do the blow outs happen if you don’t mind my asking?

You need to find the thread and subsequent ones by

@jamaisjedors

About her sulking husband...

It was all about being in control!!

You will be much happier without him as he won't change.

I'm getting there and have started opening up to some close friends. Have you got any real life support?

I'd say the episodes happen at least once a month, he normally starts getting moody if we've not had sex for a couple of weeks and starts accusing me of not giving a shit about him. Anything can set him off though, on Christmas day it was because apparently I laughed at BIL's jokes and not his...

I have a bit but because I’m not ready to do anything about it it makes it harder - I know they are thinking badly of him and maybe even judging me slightly.

I’ve read her threads. They don’t really echo mine though. But good for her for leaving.

That’s ridiculous about Christmas. Bloody hell. What a delicate flower. Do you think they are genuinely hurt or is it to get a reaction?

Does it really matter if it fits any given definition of emotional abuse? What matters is it's a shitty pattern in your relationship that makes you unhappy. Why is looking for a label for it so important?

Because it’s very hard to leave. Because seeing it in print that it’s not right makes it easier. Because it’s impossible to know what it’s like if you haven’t lived in this situation.

I agree @namechangegazzillion, it's so much easier said than done and when things are ok, you kind of forget just how awful it is when things are bad.

My main issue is that I desperately dont want to have to sell the house, however I dont think I can afford to buy him out but am going to pluck up the courage to speak to my parents in the new year to see if they will help me.

I think If we didnt have DC, I would've left by now.

The problem is, people don't fit pat definitions generally and it feels like you want the pattern to be perfectly exact to be able to say this isn't acceptable. Lundy doesn't resonate with you, so you need something else? But it's shit already.

But the silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

And it's really not healthy to think that you need to "grey rock" your partner. If you're doing these things, it's not right.

Can you articulate what makes it hard for you to leave? And what good points does he have?

I think it’s fear mainly. My DS may have some awful health / behavioural / learning problems in the future and I would find it really hard to cope alone. I also have a very stressful job and would find it hard to manage - but I would need to keep it to have enough money. And he is great most of the time. And there’s just the continual very human hope that things will get better I suppose. I just don’t think I’m strong enough at the end of the day.

Do you have family support? Would they help with childcare? Do you rent or own the house? Could you afford it on your own?

I do have support but I don’t think for childcare, no. They are quite elderly and far away. I own the house which is in my name only (bought before we met).

Believe me,a child with behavioral/health/learning problems doesn't mean you can't leave an abusive relationship and home environment! If my husband was like that I'd fight through it and ensure my special needs kid had a peaceful,stable home. You can do it it may take careful planning and facing your fears directly on but it is possible.

Does he pay towards the mortgage, could he leave if he doesn't have a claim on your house.

When he starts to go on at you, could you go 'oh yeah, Umm' in a I don't care tone.

Yes I think I could ask him to leave and he would.

I’m going to try and not get upset next time and calmly tell him it’s not acceptable. If he keeps on I will go away for a few days. I’ve also started writing down everything that happens. I hope it will give me the impetus to leave if it continues.

I’m just so scared of being on my own and I will feel like a complete failure to be honest.