Separating with dogs

[Ghl1227]

I want to leave my partner of 9 years however the thing holding me back is our dogs. We have 2 that we have bought together & they are my entire world. My partner adores them too and it breaks my heart thinking of taking them away from him. But I would never give them up and they can’t be separated so I want to keep them both when we seperate. I also don’t want to share “custody” as I don’t think that’s healthy for us both to move on. I have been thinking of leaving for 2 years, up and down but the biggest thing as I said holding me back, is the dogs. Is it selfish of me to expect to be able to keep them?

When I leave, he is going to have a hard enough time dealing with the break up, he’ll also have to deal with leaving the dogs and that breaks my heart. But again, I don’t want him to have them for the few weeks after the split as I’ll need them too, and seeing each other whilst organising the dogs those few weeks after the split will be so hard. I know it’s so unlikely, but I’m also worried he will have them and never give them back.

Please help.

That’s such a difficult position to be in but, yes, it is selfish of you to expect to be able to keep the dogs when you are the one who has chosen to leave the relationship. It’s also unreasonable. If you can’t bear to leave them behind, you do need to try and negotiate some kind of shared custody and hope that he keeps to it.

You say as if it's fact that you would 'never give them up' and then ask if it's selfish to expect you can unilaterally decide to keep them. Well yes of course it is.

In fact it's pretty horrible you think you are entitled to and he is not. Why do you think that's the case? You got them together, why do you deserve them any more than he does?

I am not planning on leaving my DH, but I have sometimes wondered what we would do with our two dogs. My conclusion is that if something ever happened, we would do what is best for the dogs. So I think we would go consider things like who has the best living space or the most time etc. The dogs would miss whichever of us is not with them, but equally I know that they would be happy with DH should it go that way.

I think you are being very unpleasant and presumptuous to assume that it is your decision alone.

You are being very selfish. You expect your DH to give up the dogs but you would never be willing to do that yourself. I'm sorry but it makes you sound hypocritical and self centred. Share custody of the dog like an adult.

When i split from my husband I thought he would want 50/50 and I was quite prepared for that but in the end he rented a place that had a 'No Pets' policy and then i thought he might ask to walk them a few times a week but he didn't.
Even though he apparently adored them and they definitely adored him he literally cast them aside.
Tok be honest he was always a lazy shit and when we were together only walked them the bare minimum so it should have bern obvious he would never want them when he could sit in front of the TV instead.

A few years on he talks about getting his own dog to walk (his landlady has said he can) and how he misses 'our dogs' but still has made no effort.

So your husband might not even want the dogs...but I agree with others who mention discussing a 50/50 arrangement.
Dogs adjust well so they'll be fine.

A friend split from her partner and they shared their dog 50/50 but on her weeks if she worked the dog went to doggy day care on his weeks when he worked the dog was shut up for hours.
My friend realised that he only wanted the dog so they could stay in contact so after one occasion when the dog was left for nearly 24 hours alone she collected it as it aas then her turn and she never gave him the dog back.
He kept saying he would go to court to get access and made threats but she knew he wouldnt do anything as he was so tight with money so she ignored him and after 3 weeks he walked away.

Obviously we dont recommend keeping the dog but in this case he didnt have his dogs interest at heart.

I shared custody of our dogs with my ex. It was a bit odd still being in contact with him but it was fine, and the dogs took to the arrangement with no problems. Happy to see me when I picked them up, happy to see him when they went back to his. They settles really well in my new place and I’m not sure they gave it much thought to be honest.

Don’t be tied into a relationship you don’t want because something might be awkward. It’ll work out.

Why do you feel entitled to take them with you? You've worded it in a way that seems you get the automatic right to keep them and he doesn't.

We share custody. Actually exh has mine a lot of the time but that's due to circumstances

I know the dogs would be better off with me, I give them the most attention, walks, care & one of my dogs is so scared of men/new people. They are definitely more attached to me but they obviously love my partner more. But ultimately I believe they would be better off with me. But it still sucks taking them away from him

Obviously love my partner too* not more.

Shared custody it’s that or nothing really. He might not want the dogs due to work commitments, New partner allergic ect, I’m sure it will work out

I’m like April, I’m not leaving my husband but I’ve occasionally thought about what we’d do if we split. Up until this year I’ve had a job where I’d worked away, so it would’ve been better for the dogs to live with him, sadly.

Two of my friends have split this year and I bumped into him the other day. He was really upset to not have seen his dogs for 12 weeks. I think I’d try and let my ex see the dogs on a day off. I’d hate to never be able to see them again myself.

If we was to split up I’d have the dog, but I’m the only one that bothers to walk and train her really- although DH does love her

one of my dogs is so scared of men/new people

That'll be difficult when you get a new partner.

You could get other dogs. So could he.

There are plenty that need homes that either of you could love just as much. Yes, it would be painful to give them up, but they'd be perfectly happy with your ex or vice versa, and he or you would know that they would be safe and looked after.

It seems ridiculous to stay in a relationship that makes you seriously unhappy for the sake of dogs which will be just fine without you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

one of my dogs is so scared of men/new people

That'll be difficult when you get a new partner.

Sorry - to explain this as it sounded like I was saying you shouldn't leave / ever get a new partner, I just meant that at some point the dogs will have to meet men they don't know and other strangers so it's a totally unfair reason for you to keep the dogs. You're really reaching there.

I think if you are the one leaving then you don't get to take them. Either you share them or leave them imo.

When I split from my ex I had to leave our dog as she was more bonded to him. I took the cats as they were my decision to adopt.

We couldn't do shared 'custody' of the dog as my ex was abusive and I needed to basically block him from my life. It broke my heart, but there wasn't an alternative option. I moved into a rented property which was ok with cats, but not dogs.

This will be a difficult one, OP. You either take them or will have to leave them if you can't do shared access.

Are you planning on moving out?

I think for me it would come down to working hours etc.

It will depend where each of you can live and what sort of job situation etc you are in.