Do I still want to be married?

[Disabrie22]

I’m really struggling with my marriage at the moment. My husband is an amazing father and has always been brilliant at looking after us financially and planning for the future. We have been together 20 years now and married 12 with two children aged 11 and 14.
My problem is that I do not feel like a person who is “real” with him. He takes over every task and tells me how to do everything, and how to improve everything from the simplest things to the bigger.
He’s much cleverer than me and although I’m reasonably intelligent- daily he runs rings around me. I will be doing a simple task and he will interfere immediately about how I can do it better.
One of my key problems is I am dyscalclic so struggle to contribute to budgeting or financial matters. But I carry the families relationships with extended family - both sides - and all the children’s social needs plus I work every day not 9-5 as I do the school run.
I don’t see my value in our relationship and I don’t feel he does either. We’ve just had an argument about the fact that I have just bought Xmas presents for next year in the sales - I do this every year because he never organises his families presents and when he has done in the past they have been cheap and inadequate compared to what has been given. I have to buy in Jan else he moans all of December about the money being spent - despite the fact his family is triple the size of mine.
I haven’t had any affection from him the Xmas as I had a cold and despite being Covid negative he didn’t want to be near me incase he got it.
I love him dearly but I’m not sure how long I can go on being a non person - and I know that surviving financially on my own will be very difficult as we live in a very exspensive part of the world. What should I do?

Disabrie22 I am sorry you are going through this. I wonder if he is a good person at heart and if you want to save the marriage. Is it worth saving? If so, would you consider marriage counselling.

If he is abusive, then of course you should not engage in counselling. However, if he is not and you think it is worth working things out, see what you can do. That is what I would do.

But first, you need to really, really value yourself. You have given this man two children and twenty years of your life, you work, do child care etc. You are amazing. I know this because I've been married for nearly 20 years and we have two kids too. I work and I do stuff at home, I pick up the bulk of the childcare.

I have dyslexia and although I have not been identified as having dyscalculia I struggle with figures. My husband does most of the finance stuff in our home. It is quite common for one or other partner to be better with finances etc and do that side of things, I think.

So, I think it is quite standard for some couples to divide household jobs etc and one person to do more of the finances.

In your shoes I'd also not prioritize getting the Christmas presents for his relatives. "I do this every year because he never organises his families presents and when he has done in the past they have been cheap and inadequate compared to what has been given." It doesn't matter in the long run about the presents. IMHO.

I think you and your husband need to work on your relationship. There will be sales and other opportunities to buy stuff. Your call but I think you need to build yourself up and also work out how your husband and you can move forward. Buying stuff for his extended family would not be on my radar.

The key here is that your self esteem has been eroded by your marriage. He’s taken you for granted and he sounds controlling if he’s taking over every task. I live with a man like this and it’s suffocating so I understand. Whatever happens in the house he immediately jumps into fixing. I don’t even get the opportunity. I’m actually quite handy when given the chance but he “takes over” every task and every decision. I’m kind of sick of it and I’m thinking of leaving and getting my own small, easily maintained house so I can do things my way and sort out my own issues/problems. I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to let you know that I understand

"I will be doing a simple task and he will interfere immediately about how I can do it better." This does sound very annoying, does your dh understand how frustrating this is for you?

If you don't want to live like this you could choose to leave.

Thanks for all the advice - we have built such a huge life together the loss will be massive to me. I really appreciate your posts as I have never spoken to anyone about this.

Yes I don’t know why I bought the presents - I think it’s down to the fact that money is a huge factor in our lives and saving is a main focus for the children’s future. I think it’s about trying to stop him making me feel bad every year for the spending - which isn’t that bad to be honest.

My dad can be like this, he thinks he’s helping but I learnt young I just needed to say on repeat ‘I’m fine doing it my way, I don’t need help and if I make a mistake I’ll learn something!’ Self-advocating is really important here.

When you say you have built a "huge life: with him what exactly do you mean? It sound stop me like you are diminished by this life with him. Sad.

It sounds like you are doing most of the emotional work in maintaining relationships etc. While he does most of the financial/practical work (even though you'd like to have a go sometimes.)

This isn't a bad thing necessarily - many marriages have both parties play to their strength. However, if you feel your contribution isn't being given equal value, then that is a problem.

I would second the suggestion of counselling so you can communicate better and recognise what each of you bring to the table. And perhaps make some changes so that you take a more adult role, as he seems stuck in the father/provider role rather than one of equals.

Could you look to doing some retraining, taking on larger work roles, to give yourself some more independence and fulfillment? As he seems very focused on financial future, I'd sell it to him as taking a short term hit to provide greater security for your retirements and for the children's futures.

(also if he decides to fuck off with an OW at some point, you'll be in a much safer position.)

Writing this down this will all seem huge. You need to pick things apart as individual things. As dyslexia is more known about now are there courses or aids that would help you manage this better so you don't feel it is such a bad thing. And with the present buying, when he complained what did you say to him? If he complains with no real reason, ask him, so what would you rather I do? If he has a better option then fine, if not then he will have to concede you were right to buy them

Thanks again - so good to hear your points of view. We have a huge life in the things that matter - loving families on both sides, friendships - we aren’t a family that has lots of assets but aren’t struggling beyond a normal level.
I have had a career that was paid well but required lots of after hours commitments and weekend work (think arts based) - I now work in a job that makes me happy but is vastly under paid but gives me my evenings free. I could return to my old job but yes - it would require catch up training - I’ve been trying to find access to this and it to really move on into it - it would require a year of unpaid work. I’m not sure this would be a good idea.

My husband carries the family financially which is very stressful for him - I could leave my current job in the summer as that’s when the contract is reviewed but job situations aren’t that stable at the mo.

Disabrie22 if he could change , would you stay?

If you or he are worried about money divorce will be expensive. If he were abusive I would say go but if he is not, and you can work it out it may be worth a try.

Trying to control a person is horrible I think but if he is actually just trying to control everything, his way is best etc, it could be a sign of OCD or spmething similar (Aspergers etc).

I have OCD (very mild I think). I have learned not to take over, to take a back seat sometimes etc. It can be done. I had counselling.

We have a lot of OCD in the family - I do feel he has this also - it’s difficult as life is messy, unpredictable with kids.

@Trisolaris

My dad can be like this, he thinks he’s helping but I learnt young I just needed to say on repeat ‘I’m fine doing it my way, I don’t need help and if I make a mistake I’ll learn something!’ Self-advocating is really important here.

I would definitely start off with doing this. You do need to speak up in case he hasn't realised there is an issue.

And then you both need to recognise the value you do bring to the relationship.

Sure, some people are more handy that others, some might be better with numbers, but these skills have no definitive position on the hierarchy of what is important. People simply allocate these positions on a hierarchy - it's all subjective.

You both need to start recognising your value. It sounds like your people skills and caring abilities are excellent - allocate these their true value and get them to the top of your unspoken hierarchy - few things could be more important within a family and a relationship than these.

I do self advocate constantly - but it feels like it makes no difference