Friend who has totally messed up with his wife & dc's - finding it hard to be supportive

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dh and I have a friend who has completely ruined his life. Years ago he and his wife were great friends of ours, we were fond of them both but at the same time could see the marriage was rocky. A couple of years ago they split up and we haven't stayed in touch with her, but remained friends with him because the men had been friends for yonks.

He has really messed everything up, mostly because of drugs which for a long time she knew nothing about. He's spent thousands over the years and has lost his business, his share of the house and I suspect is now bankrupt. He has also had a breakdown and is very fragile.

Last night we saw him for the first time in a couple of months. He was telling us how terrible his ex is, but actually reading between the lines it sounds like he's being a complete sh*t. It's all stuff about how she asked him for money, but how could he give her any when he hasn't got it. When he's just turned up with three bottles of wine and told me that he's still doing drugs, but 'only' once a week.

My parents divorced and my Dad was terrible, so I can't help but feel for the dd's. I suspect that he does 'classic' stuff like not turning up to collect them or arriving late etc and he's certainly not paying up.

Because of the breakdown, he's on ad's and has made it very clear that he needs us to be supportive and non judgemental. I had to leave the room last night, because I found it very hard not to tell him that actually he deserves everything he gets and he ought to be focussing on his dd's.

Does anyone have any advice? He's a friend in need, but he's also an idiot - I want to help and give him a good kick all at the same time.

I suspect that if any one can make him face up to life it's going to be your dh, not you. He probably feels a great need to save face in your presence and doesn't realise you've seen through it.

In your shoes I'd keep out of his way and let your dh see him alone, if you can trust dh not to be corrupted by the bad influence.

Thats awful and i would hate to be in that situation.

I dont think i could stand it either and keep my mouth shut. Telling him he is an idiot is not the same as not supporting him. why should he not know how you feel?

Dh agrees with me, but also see's a friend who doesn't really have anyone. If either one of us told him what we think we wouldn't see him for dust and we'd worry about him.

Yes, he is a bad influence but also a walking demonstration of how bad it can get.

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you & dh sound like nice friends
i think i would find it so difficult to hold my tongue and agree its not being unsupportive to say what you think

i have messed up big time friend and it does get weary not this subject again you never listen nor help yourself but i do always say what i think i couldnt be of any help if not totally honest i think
hth
he sounds like a plonker do you beleive drugs only once a week sounds hollow given background and break up etc

if you are going to be of any help you must be able to say what you think
he doesnt want help he wants pity sympathy shoulder to weep on ...imho..

I think he's had so many people telling him what to do that he's stopped listening. He said to us last night that he doesn't want us to give advice, but to trust that he's sorting himself out. I don't.

I also feel that we've let down his ex and believed his side of the story now it's all unravelling and I realise that she's had a terrible time.

I think the messed up friend is right to request that you don't give him advice. But you don't have to condone his actions either. If he asks you directly, give him your honest opinion. If he doesn't, you don't have to give him any sympathy. You don't have to agree with him when he complains about being badly done to. Silence can sometimes speak louder than words.

If you feel sorry for his ex, there's nothing to stop you contacting her and offering help and support, eg, a spot of babysitting or something. Actions speak louder than words.

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the fact that he says do not advise, sets the parameters for your time together, is a bad sign imho..
esp if everyone else is telling him the same..

would it be worth being candid and saying i dont see how we can be of help if we cant say what we think etc..
its draining this kind of thing i find, and only ends up indulging 'friend' whoever is doing it
things end up awfully one sided
i do think its wise to remember there are two sides to everything..

do you think most folk have had it with him? is this why he whines on your sofa?
can dh take him for pint and keep him from bringing you all down and say look we will help but DO something dont just go on..in a nice friendly chat in the pub way?

hth

have friend who leeches of us emotionally then disappears then full on in your face, am sick of it really but they are vunerable,
tbh she does try to sort her life out but i never feel i get the real story and peice it together later via friends etc...
never a 'how are you guys...whats happening..' just full on ME and its not on i think..

Speaking as a guy, I really think this is an evening down the pub bloke-to-bloke conversation or two. I've been in vaguely similar situations a couple of times with good friends and, because of the way guys are, they won't back down in front of people they don't know really well, particularly, I think, women sometimes (scared of loss of face, pride, looking like an idiot, getting told off etc.)

When a good mate split up with his fiance in front of me, DW and other friends he'd be 'fine' about things. You could see he was devastated but he'd only talk about it one-on-one over a few beers and even then in it'd be approached in a very blokey way (i.e. after an hour's conversation about football, simple questions, short answers, long silences) mainly me just listening to whatever he wanted to talk about whilst talking shit in the meantime. I think sometimes guys can be good at this sort of thing, i.e. not going into deep intense conversations but talking crap whilst providing a forum for the other person to talk about things.

I know this is ostensibly very different, but in this context it'd be much easier for your DH to have a sensible conversation about it with him. Find out how he really is doing, if he understands how much he's screwed up. I also think, bloke-to-bloke advice, especially from an old mate tends to carry a fair amount of weight...

I reckon the next time you should ask him if he wants your opinion, if he says yes then give it to him, and if he says no, don't say anything but try and avoid him in future or change the subject when he starts in on his pathetic self-justification.

He's using the two of you as support for his rubbishy behaviour and justify it to himself which isn't a very nice way to behave.