Been together many years. Struggled with fertility for around 10years, medications, ivf, donation, adoption. Things went wrong at every stage and I have felt so broken so many times. DH was not a good support to me I felt very alone throughout most of it. He was never as effected as me (the drive for a family wasn’t as strong I think) and has never really done comfort/feelings/affection. I had all the mental load and mental health struggles for years, if I spoke about my feelings or showed upset he’d give a minimal response then move on. Our relationship has been affection-less and only a handful of times we’ve had sex in the last 3/4 years. Pressure from ttc, performance issues, age, reliance on porn I think, it just ended up dying out. He sleeps in a separate bed majority of the time. We spend a lot of the time doing things separately from each other. On the other hand we get along well to chat, we work well together being parents and running the house, we watch things and do things we enjoy together.
The situation now is we have a LO, it’s been 2 years. I love our life/lifestyle, he’s a brilliant dad and shares all the household tasks, considerate etc. We do lovely things together as a family which I enjoy. I’m not depressed anymore. We talk and laugh quite easily a lot of the time. I’ve felt in the past he doesn’t care, doesn’t ask how my days been, doesn’t listen when I speak or look at me when I say goodnight etc, but this hasn’t been the case for a while. I’m so torn. I think the previous years took their toll on me as a person and how I feel about him. Im not in love with him/not attracted to him, but I don’t feel like I have a reason not to be anymore. Over the last month Ive noticed a few times he’s given me a kiss (eg when leaving for work), slept in our bed a few times. Said he loves me. Bought me lovely thoughtful Christmas gifts. He initiated sex on one occasion. I didn’t feel like it at all but went along, I felt almost sick and felt like crying after. I feel so guilty as it must have taken courage to initiate it after all that time and I hated the thought of him feeling rejected. He’s obviously trying to make an effort now and I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do if he initiates sex again or how I would even say to him what my problem is without it hurting him :( I feel like I’ve been content treading water living as friends/separate lives within this marriage and now he’s stepping up I need to make a choice.
Sorry it’s long. I’m so anxious and upset and would love advice. There’s no real reason to leave my marriage, ruin my family, but how can I get over this lack of feeling?