Is he/she 'the one'?

[IsItWine0ClockSoon]

Is anyone else married but thinking that their spouse might not be 'the one'? I am not even sure that I believe in there being just 1 person for everyone but I am a hopeless romantic and kind of want it to be true!
I have a problem in that I am married to a wonderful man, doting father to our 3 little ones, hardworking, provider, good looking etc etc but I am just not 'in love' with him anymore.
What to do?!

What's your idea of being in love though? Is it that feeling you get in the first 6 months of a relationship? Because that's not being in love. That's lust usually.

To me, loving your partner is wanting the best for them and enjoying their company. It's keeping an open dialogue so that you both continue to enjoy one another physically, it's caring for each other in small and big ways...planning for the best future possible.

I like Dan Savage's take on "the one" - that in general, we get with someone who's, say, 0.7 or 0.8 and we round them up to 1.0

No one person is ever going to fulfill 100% of our needs and wants - not least because as we age, we change, and what we wanted age 25 is not going to be the same things we want at 40.

Its never a bad thing to have an exit plan for every marriage - typically for women this would centre on your earning power if the marriage ends. You don't want to be left scraping a living on minimum wage because you've neglected your career to concentrate on his. So use the time when you're married and have a team mate to pick up more of the child and house duties so that you can retrain, go for promotion, whatever floats your boat.

@FortunesFave

What's your idea of being in love though? Is it that feeling you get in the first 6 months of a relationship? Because that's not being in love. That's lust usually.

To me, loving your partner is wanting the best for them and enjoying their company. It's keeping an open dialogue so that you both continue to enjoy one another physically, it's caring for each other in small and big ways...planning for the best future possible.

I think I want to feel excited about him again. I want to be in his company and feel complete when we're together. I actually feel more confident and happy when I'm on my own. My self esteem is low and I am addressing that. We've also been having marriage counseling which is eye opening and gives us a chance to focus on just us but years of differences and 'rubbing each other up the wrong way' has caused resentment and irritation on both parts. I love him as a person but I am not in love with his as a wife should be (in my opinion).

Yes...and the ideal partner would be someone who in the event of a split would STILL put their partner first if their partner had given up their career for children.

My friend broke up with her DH...there was no other man or woman...they just weren't happy at all.

Three years after they broke up, he received a large inheritance and immediately bought her a house outright and in her name. They had always rented as a couple.

He wanted her and his children to have the security of their own home. He's a good person and she was so happy.

We've also been having marriage counseling which is eye opening and gives us a chance to focus on just us but years of differences and 'rubbing each other up the wrong way' has caused resentment and irritation on both parts.
I love him as a person but I am not in love with his as a wife should be (in my opinion)

I think this is very common (seeing it a lot in my circles, where people who got married in their mid twenties are starting to divorce in their mid 30s) - growing apart can happen. As @EvenMoreFuriousVexation posted, people change, and if you don’t change and grow together, it can cause resentment or indifference years down the line.

I think the narrative about relationships not being hard work doesn’t always help. Yes, a relationship shouldn’t feel difficult and challenging, but you still have to work at it by putting the effort in, like a friendship or any other relationship. It doesn’t just exist by itself, and the romanticised notion that you’re meant to be completely tuned into one another, or ‘completing’ each other, isn’t realistic. You’re two different people, choosing to be together and learning how to understand and support each other.

Love changes. I have been with DP for a long time and I do miss the lust, passion and our both bringing our A-game. But we’ve been together since we were early twenties, and we’re now late 30s. I wouldn’t expect our relationship to be the same as it was at the start, but I get a feeling of contentment and security even when he is being irritating or life is difficult. It’s not what I used to recognise as love, but it’s just different.

Is the marriage counselling giving you ideas to think about changing behaviour and/or the way you relate to each other?

I think I want to feel excited about him again. I want to be in his company and feel complete when we're together. I actually feel more confident and happy when I'm on my own. My self esteem is low and I am addressing that. We've also been having marriage counseling which is eye opening and gives us a chance to focus on just us but years of differences and 'rubbing each other up the wrong way' has caused resentment and irritation on both parts.
I love him as a person but I am not in love with his as a wife should be (in my opinion).

I think you have just moved on to the next stage of a long relationship.

The in love feeling doesn't last.

Something else takes its place.

DH and I have been together for almost 40 years. The in-love bit stopped for me after about 18 months. We have had our ups and downs and been on the verge of separating many times over the decades when indifference kicked in, or the stress and strain of kids drove us apart. But you knuckle down and realise the grass is not greener and there will always be a downside whoever you end up with.

And you ought not to need a man to 'feel complete'. That's down to you to manage your own personal growth and development. You have unrealistic ideas of what a relationship is.

Do you like him?

I was married to my ex-h who was an arsehole and I quickly realised that he was not the one. Different from your situation I know. But I met ‘the one’ whilst I was still married, nothing happened but he gave me the confidence in myself to leave an unhappy marriage. He is now my DH, and still the one!

I think if you're having to grit your teeth and tolerate him the marriage has run it's course and you'd be happier single.

A lot of people stay for reasons other than love, financial security, force of habit, fear of change etc. Personally I couldn't do that, there has to be some love there too.