Obsessive about making me her protege?

[SisterlyCare]

Hi all,

It’s another MIL one.
I can’t work out if she loves or hates me. Wanting DH to tiptoe around her or me...or none..

But she is certainly obsessive.
She goes extreme length to try to prove that I’ve lied about my heritage abs that it’s similar to hers (she is ashamed of hers very much and I have no idea any it matters?)

She is obsessively over analyzing my marriage with a lot of pleasure derived from the idea that I might be going through something similar to her

She followed my friends one by one and tried to become their friends, by pretending she is the same generation as me (30 years difference)

But also obsessively wanting to make it true if it’s not...

She buys me the same clothes as her and demands that I wear it..

She tells me that her love for her husband died after kids and that mine will too, rather knowingly and reassuringly.. and telling me it’s ok because she will guide me through it..

She genuinely wants me to fail in similar ways so she can share her experiences with me and validate her feelings

I’m not posting to slag her off.. I’m just hoping someone will help me understand her.

And why is my life so particularly interesting to her..

I’ve caught her absolutely trying to recreate drama dynamics between me and my DH that she once complained was her specific (rather rare) issues with her own mother in law...

I am not complaining about our relationship because I pulled the plug on that. Just trying to understand her for my own growth journey and to see whether I’m feeding into this (I have form). But also so I can be one step ahead instead of being so baffled all the time.

Basically she is projecting her life into mine by FORCE and would go to extreme length just to make it happen it’s almost uncomfortable to watch..

DH just tells me his mum is not normal (mentally unwell) and to leave her to him and that to not feed into it.. but he has form for just avoiding conflict and givin things simple explanations.

I think she sees herself in me and it creeps me out because I don’t wanna be her.. she is successful and influential and wealthy and she obsessively assumes this is what I’m after.

Only thing we have in common is that we have similar fields/degree backgrounds.

Any words of wisdom on what that’s all about ? Grey rock? Can someone explain this dynamic (I’m very black and white and an over thinker and so need facts to feel satisfied snd move on)?

And maybe I wanna know how does someone become like that because I’m rather horrified by the idea she thinks I resemble her and I want to tell myself that I don’t

She sounds mentally unwell and your DH's position the you have nothing to do with her and leave all interactions to him sounds like a good one. You need to ignore her and not give her delusions any more headroom.

@redastherose

She sounds mentally unwell and your DH's position the you have nothing to do with her and leave all interactions to him sounds like a good one. You need to ignore her and not give her delusions any more headroom.

100%. Sounds like she has some extreme personality disorder (look them all up) and is also trying “projective identification” on you.

Look that up too.

This can really get under your skin and deep into your psyche. Sounds like she has burrowed a bit already.

She is targeting you specifically and obsessively. KNOW THAT.

You need to be totally NC. It doesn’t matter how your DH manages her - as long as he doesn’t give her any info about you or give you any info about her.

I would also come off or lock down SM.

She is really dangerous and highly manipulative.

Do not get drawn into her game. She will win and annihilate your life. Resist any provocations to be rational with an irrational person.

Part of me really feels sorry for her.. as she seems so desperate

And the other part of me is really annoyed with her behaviour to the point of disgust

I hate the conflict within me so I’m trying to resolve the two into one person

By asking myself:

What the hell is going in her head ?

Is she just generally driven by impulse and has no awareness do what she is doing ? But she does seem extremelt calculated.

So does she see in me someone who doesn’t have much self respect for themselves ?! Because I DID go extreme lengths to regain her approval for a while and I admit to that and now trying to take responsibility

*Part of me really feels sorry for her.. as she seems so desperate

And the other part of me is really annoyed with her behaviour to the point of disgust*

This is the instability dealing with someone as unhinged as her will create. She is dangerous to you, your marriage, your friendships, your life and your MH. The pity part is her subconsciously drawing you in - the disgust part is your visceral gut knowing it’s a trap and dangerous. It’s fine that initially you were drawn to seek her approval - you wanted a normal RS - but now you know it’s dangerous you need to totally detach and withdraw.

Do not be intrigued or fascinated with her diagnosis or manipulation - that’s a rabbit hole - put your energies into focusing on preserving your own boundaries, values and life.

How much involvement do you currently have with her - both you and your DH - can you cut it all out and move v far away?