Abuser contacted me

[Cakequeen1988]

I don’t know what I’m asking here but this year I got rid of my abusive boyfriend. He was emotionally, verbally and on 2 occasions physically abusive.

He has affected me so much and I hate what he did to me. I have however been feeling better lately, reconnecting with friends and just trying to enjoy life as much as one can in a pandemic!

I had asked him not to contact me ever again and despite much harassment initially he did stop in October. But he messaged me Christmas Day saying he was sad he hadn’t heard from me. I have blocked him on everything but he messaged me through a work social media account. He was saying how he was so lonely and it was so hard without me. I just feel like I’m being manipulated and guilt tripped and I hate he contacted me. it just has upset me and got into my brain again that despite all he did he hoped I’d message at Christmas!

I don’t want this message to knock me off track and I suppose I’m looking for suggestions of how to take my mind off this message

Thank you for listening!

Can you get work to block him on that account? I think if he is this persistent it might be worth reporting to police and nip it in the bud before it escalates. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust also can be helpful with advice re stalking and harassment.
To take your mind off it can you ring someone for a chat, arrange for a distanced walk tomorrow?

He needs reporting! He's not respecting your boundaries. It's affecting your health. Don't respond to him.

What do you own him? Your life? Future? A reply? If a complete stranger hit you and told you to say merry Christmas or I will be so sad, woukd you? No you wouldn't, so ditch this low life and have a good life, far away from him, you own him nothing and the Only reason he is sending you a sorry message is to check I'd he still has a hold on you, now it's up to you to see if you fall for his breadcrumbs of excuses, and I am sure, just life my ex use to say, so sorry but my fist fell on you, I didn't mean it, take me back because I am sorry, not good enough me thinks. If you don't show yourself your worth then you will keep on choosing men who wont see it either

Sorry so many typos

Thank you I’ll look at the Susie Lamplugh website.

I did report him to the police when he attacked me the fist time. I didn’t the second but that was the leverage I then had to end the relationship though it was a long and protracted experience where he drew me in to being ‘friends’ then continued to control, bully and abuse me. So I am happy not to have reported the last physical incident (grabbing me round the throat/neck on both occasions) as it was the leverage I needed to get away. But I shall block him from my work account and no I haven’t replied.

I have learnt from bitter experience that any response including a response saying don’t contact me is all he needs to start making contact again, trying to push for a reply and more. He misses his best friend apparently!

@Pegsonstrings what you said resonated with me. You’re right if he was a stranger I would view it with different eyes and I certainly don’t owe him anything. He is trying to tempt me back to starting conversation which leads to calling all night every night, asking where I am what I’m doing who am I with am I dating men, am I talking to any men. It’s excruciating and I can’t got back there again he very nearly broke me. For most of 2020 he has had me close to a breakdown but mostly Easter onwards. I won’t do it again my life has been so much happier without him.

It just surprised me he made the contact. Why oh why does he keep pushing a little bit more!

Whatever you do don't respond as to him it's just a green light to take the piss.

No matter what he says grey rock.

Yes it will start him off with his tales of woe again about how hard don’t buy he is and it’s not his fault he’s how he is. I made him behave that way etc. I absolutely will not be responding to him.

I wish I had learnt about this kind of behaviour sooner, mumsnet has been a life saver. It’s allowed me to see there are others just like him and he’s textbook. It’s just a pity I didn’t know earlier!

Totally agree with the others above. Don’t respond in any way.

If you can, block him on that account too

He’s trying to get control over you again. Don’t allow him to. Focus on the fact that you’re free from him, he has no control over you. You’re much happier now and don’t need him.

Ignore and block.

I really think it should be taught on he curriculum in schools and save so many women years of heartache.

I have a 2 children and will absolutely be teaching them about this kind of behaviour.

I will definitely be ignoring him. I had a male friend over tonight (totally innocent, and within tier 2 rules outdoors) and it could never have happened with my ex DP there would have been accusations of cheating, he’d have been constantly texting and wanting replies to ‘prove’ I wasn’t cheating. It was so nice to see a friend and have a lovely if freezing cold glass of wine and a board game without it being ruined and hours and hours of him arguing with me afterwards.

The reliefs is amazing and no way in their world will I reply to him!

with my ex DP there would have been accusations of cheating, he’d have been constantly texting and wanting replies to ‘prove’ I wasn’t cheating

Oh cake this resonates so much with me, I was even accused of sleeping with one of his family members!!

Just remember that he may ramp it up a few notches to try and get a reaction. Once you stop defending yourself and go Grey rock they have nothing left to beat you with as it were.

Granted it took mine a few years to catch on to the fact that I didn't give a shit what he thought but we got there eventually (slow learner😂)

And will absolutely be teaching my DC of the warning signs also.

I saw recommended somewhere on here the book, Living with the Dominator, by Pat Craven. Absolutely life changing!!!! I’ve read it all in a day it was that engrossing (and manageably short in length). I can recommend it to anyone who has been in a similar situation.

So far I haven’t heard from him again. Thank you everyone for your advice and I’m so sorry to those who have been in a similar situation!

OP you did the right thing by blocking him. Be proud that all that work you did to heal has worked. Treat yourself! X

Yes I'm sure he misses you. He misses the kick of abusing you, of having someone to manipulate and take out his anger on, but also having you as a girlfriend. If he keeps doing it, you might have to go to the police again.

Speak to your local domestic abuse charity or National Domestic Abuse Helpline.
They can help you safety plan, signpost & support. You might be able to get a non molestation order which means he isn't allowed to contact you. They can refer you / support around potential stalking /harassment.
You've seen how abusive this person is.
All the best to you, OP.