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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared of starting over again

25 replies

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 20:55

I’m turning 37 this year and think I need to leave a relationship I am in. He doesn’t make me happy, I thought he could. I could stick around, and see how it pans out, but after 1.5 years, things won’t change much, right?

I’ve always been so fiercely independent and have enjoyed being single most of my adult life. But now my biological clock is ticking, and having done tonnes of dating, it’s quite daunting having to start again

I want to meet a man and start a family.

Any positive experiences would be helpful and any tips. Need a hand hold to end this relationship and start afresh. What I’m probably struggling with is the uncertainty and possibility my dream may never happen.

The fear then makes me think I should make do with the man I have now - he’s not all bad, but I think over the years, it won’t end well.

PS I don’t want to do it alone.

OP posts:

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:56

I am going through the exact same thing, except I am 31, but still have the same fear. Maybe we could support each other?

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 20:58

annabellacomestotea oh wow 31 is still so young! please don’t have any fears, you have many years ahead of you get dating lots and be selective!

OP posts:

Dery · 27/12/2020 21:00

It is difficult when you’re biological clock is ticking but if you’re unhappy with him he is not the right man to have children with. You will then be bound together until your shared DC reaches adulthood. DCs put a strain on even the strongest relationships so having a child in an unhappy relationship is a big no-no. Would you contemplate single motherhood?

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 21:01

@Rosy777

annabellacomestotea oh wow 31 is still so young! please don’t have any fears, you have many years ahead of you

get dating lots and be selective!

that's very kind, thank you :) I know it sounds silly, but I guess no matter our age fear can set in and paralyse us!

Dery · 27/12/2020 21:02

Sorry - missed that you don’t want to do it alone! That’s not a reason to stay in a poor relationship. It’s not very fair on a child to bring them into an unhappy relationship. I think it would be better to go it alone than have a child in an unhappy relationship.

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 21:04

I second the idea of you considering having a child alone. It's more common nowadays and I've thought about it for myself in the future.

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 21:08

I feel the same OP and @annabellacomestotea

It’s frustrating when people say consider it alone. I know it comes from a good place but I know for me it makes it feel like I’m told to just give up a part of that that’s amazing to share with someone. I’m not saying I wouldn’t consider it but obviously I know it’s an option and when I’m panicking, being told just do it alone doesn’t help.

If it was me OP I’d have kids with this man. Maybe I’m an idiot (probably am see my recent thread!) but that’s what I’d do. I currently hate all men though so have no faith for the future in that regard. Your man sounds enough for now at least.

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:08

Thanks guys, I’ve thought about it, but I can’t and won’t go it alone for various reasons

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:10

Fetter12 he doesn’t seem very committed so don’t think kids would be possible any time soon anyway. Think I need to break away and meet someone who can be more certain about wanting a future. I’m so tired of flakey men.

OP posts:

Lemonpiano · 27/12/2020 21:15

Bringing a child into an unhappy relationship is a horrible, selfish thing to do.

Children are not playthings to make you feel good, they are a responsibility for you to meet - you have a responsibility to do the best for them from the very beginning of their lives.

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 21:16

@Rosy777

it's really challenging isn't it because there are three options that i can see:

have children with this man, even if you are unhappy with him
have children alone
try to meet someone else and have children with them

as a fourth option, there is also adoption but that falls under the doing it alone umbrella.

I suppose it also matters what you value most...being a mother, or being a family. My friend decided she valued being a mother most and has two children with different fathers (neither in the picture) but she loves being a mum.

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 21:29

OP if that’s how you feel I’d just do it straight away. Start dating. I too am so fucking fed up of man after man who is emotionally stunted, rude, entitled...list goes on. You say you’re 37 this year, do you mean before January?

You’re not too old to find someone else, it’s just a faff isn’t it. Are you based in London? If uk...

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:30

fetters12 Yes London. Have done tonnes of dating. So fed up with it all

OP posts:

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 21:38

@Rosy777

fetters12 Yes London. Have done tonnes of dating. So fed up with it all

I'm not a fan of dating either. How about rather than dating starts, join friendship groups like meetup and things like that. You can share hobbies and experiences and make new friends, and maybe one of those will lead to love. I find the sites just attract narcissists, cheaters and players, no-one needs to get abusive messages when they're already feeling shit.

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:44

annabellacomestotea good tip. OLD has become awful over the years. Just need to wait for the restrictions to lift...

OP posts:

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 21:48

Yes it’s endless isn’t it. I feel like a dating pro and I absolutely hate that it’s come to that! My main issue is I rarely feel comfortable with people. I do the whole three dates thing too just to make sure they don’t grow on me...I’ve joined so many hobbies and clubs and volunteering and oh my god it’s endless. One poster on a thread I read earlier said something like when you squeeze sand you drop it and when you relax you hold it easily. I loved that - I think it’s true, I’m starting to accept that a lot of it is luck and you can only be open and chatty and hope for the best. It’s shit though and unless you’re in the situation people just really don’t get it. If it was as simple as a new hobby meaning a new relationship I would be on marriage 100 by now!

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 21:51

Nothing is set in stone in life. People in relationships have no guarantees it will last.

Live your life and see who/what comes your way. I found living that way brought me the most happiness

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:52

Fetters12 aw thanks omg I totally know what you mean. I don’t struggle to meet men tbh and many seem interested but none appear right for me. I’m 37. Wondering if there’s something wrong with me! been told I’m too picky, but I don’t think so. I don’t even think I have particularly high standards! how old are you?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:52

Very good advice Windmillwhirl

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:53

Sorry Windmillwhirl I meant to give you not an angry face

OP posts:

Fetters12 · 27/12/2020 21:59

@Rosy777 I don’t struggle either and I count myself lucky for that when I read some of the threads on here. But with that comes so much fucking shit. I’ve honestly had all sorts, men I just didn’t fancy, men in high flying jobs who didn’t give a jot about relationships but talked a good job, men who were still into their ex but thought I wa fabulous too cheers for that...! The list is endless. It is draining. I’m not sure what the answer is! My next step is trying to sort a renovation property to give myself a project and distraction. If I think about the stuff I’m missing out on that I really longed for in life it totally breaks my heart and feels very unfair. Then I feel jealous and bitter and these are new horrible feelings for me. I’m 36 next year.

Original poster

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 22:03

Wow Fetters12 we’re in exactly the same boat! Sorry to hear your experiences but at least you’re not on your own

OP posts:

thefourgp · 27/12/2020 22:03

There’s a chance you could have a child with a man and still end up raising it alone. Lots of single parents didn’t go into it with the intention of being a single parent.

You need to decide what’s more important to you right now, continuing to search for a partner you’d want to raise a child with (which can take years and may never happen), or deciding to do it alone (via sperm donor, adoption etc) and if a man comes into your life at a later date then that’s a bonus.

Original poster

Rosy777 · 28/12/2020 10:58

thefourgp that’s the thing - trying to decide what’s best. If my bf were more commital, I think I’d have a baby with him and try to make it work. But I don’t have time to waste so maybe it’s best to move on and try to meet someone ASAP. But I’ve not managed it my whole life, is it going to magically happen in the next 1-2 years?

OP posts:

thefourgp · 28/12/2020 15:15

You know the guy you’re with is not the one for you. If you have a child with him there’s a good chance you’ll end up a single parent because he doesn’t want commitment. On balance, you’re more likely to find the commitment you want with someone else. I know that’s a hell of a lot easier sad than done. Especially with covid putting all our lives on hold. But it’s not impossible. Good luck.

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