I would like to know your opinion on this. Sorry for the long post.
My DH and I have just separated and the main issue has been interference from his sister which he has turned a blind eye to.
I am 33, exDH 43 and SIL 49.
We got married in 2008.
We lived with SIL for 6 months because she moved back from Canada and the place was originally a flat she shared with her brother. Immediately noticed subtle signs of interference from SIL. She expected me to do all the housework since In her own word I was the "wife of the house". I was pregnant with DS1 and working as a nursery assistant, when I came back from work at 6.30pm she would be sitting in front of the TV and ask as soon I walked in she was like "what's for dinner tonight?". She even had the nerve to ask me to make breakfast for her before I left for work (because I packed my husband some food sometimes). My husband heard all of this and he didn't even say anything to her. She would literally interrogate exDP to find out details of our lives. This was then info she would share with her group of friends. I told exDP I did not like that and he was like "do you think I am an idiot to share things with her" yet the same info would be coming out of her friends mouth.
We moved to our own flat. I was having complications with the pregnancy, the placenta wasn't functioning properly and they said he was IUGR and would be delivered before full term. One day I left work and went for a scan and the doc said the baby wasn't moving much and would need an emergency c-section. I called my husband who worked at the airport and his phone wasn't going through. I called her to tell her I was being admitted. I realised from the tone of her voice she wasn't even concerned for me nor was she planning to come and keep me company whilst the company tracked down my husband. She even added "I don't think the baby would make it because I had told people I was having a baby boy".
I had my baby the next morning at 7 am. He weighed 1.3kg and spent 7 weeks in NICU. She only came to visit once and on that day, I was sleeping and heard someone open the curtain at the hospital and she said "why are you still sleeping, my friend had three c-sections and she was up and about the next day." Once my son was discharged I made sure not keep any contact with her.
Our tenancy ended and we found a new place. On the day we were to move in, I found out that my exDP and my SIL were planning to go to IKEA together because SIL was planning to help decorate the new flat we found. I was livid. Surely if I needed help I would have asked. I didn't her interfering again in my home. I made it clear to her that she needs to respect my boundaries and I told my husband he needs to stop letting her get away with things. She said she felt very insulted that o told her to mind her own business and told my husband she will never step foot in our house because of me. This was in 2011.
She then changed tactics, her new plan was to pretend I didn't exist but try and see the kids behind my back.
In 2012, DS1 had a tonsillectomy and I was with him all day at the hospital. ExDP came and said I should go home and rest (was 34 weeks pregnant). As soon as I left, he called SIL to come and visit DS1. Again I was so upset that he would allow her to visit behind my back.
I had DS2. When he was 8 weeks exDP and SIL who had gone somewhere together came back to the house. She was in the car outside. ExDP came in and said "SIL in the car she wants to meet the baby and he wants to take baby outside to her". I was speechless. The woman had no respect for me or my home and she wants to meet my newborn in the car outside. I gave exDP a piece of my mind and told him enough was enough I was tired of the disrespect.
We separated for an year and later reconciled.
To mute out any outside interference I decided to keep myself busy and work on achieving my own goals. I started studying for my undergraduate and later also completed my postgraduate studies. And kept busy with the kids and caring for DS1 who has special needs because of the premature birth. All the while when exDP returns home from visiting MIL who lives with SIL, he is a mood. He is grumpy around the house and giving us silent treatment. I asked him about it several times and his response was that he was stressed with work. We were literally walking on egg shells in the house. I later found out that whenever he goes to visit MIL or takes DS1 and DS2 to see their grandmother, she is always saying bad stuff about me and then when he cones home he just carries all her negativity.
This year in January I had DS3 via c-section. Six weeks later I found out from DS1 that on the night I was in hospital SIL came to the house and ExDP kept it a secret from me. I was at a loss of words. DS1 told me she came when they returned from the hospital to see me and she stayed for about an hour watching a movie with them and before she left she had a good look around the house.
I confronted exDP and his response was "I'd rather keep things SIL does from you than add fuel to the fire knowing that you will be upset".
I was so livid and also felt helpless and a range of emotions. Despite going no contact with SIL for a number of years she had made it her mission to interfere in my life and especially showing me I was worthless because she would see the kids whether I liked it or not.
I decided to go to the police and report her for harassment. The police were very sympathetic but made it clear that it was a civil matter. They also made it clear that all these things wouldn't happen if exDP made sure there were clear boundaries.He suggested I send SIL a copy of the crime reference and tell her that I had been to the station and would start calling 101 if she continued harassing me. The police also referred me to a Domestic Violence support agency. I sent her a text with the crime reference number hoping that would knock some sense into her. I also had a conversation with my exDP. I also decided the kids can't go to her house (unfortunately this means also seeing grandma) because I can't trust her around my kids.
Thinking this was the end of things, I was very wrong. She began telling my husband why did I go to the police without my husband's permission. Hearing this he began saying I had made him half a man by not consulting him. Knowing that I had said the kids won't be going to her house, the angle of the conversation changed. It now became how dare I refuse the kids go and see grandma and that I was being a horrible person. Even though we weren't on good terms with SIL, I was allowing the kids to go see grandma every weekend for the last 2 years.
Going into lockdown, DS1 is classed as clinically vulnerable and we were keeping him home. He has sleep apnea.
Fast forward from March to December the arguments with exDP continued until the beginning of this month. I started a new job as a trainee teacher and didn't even last two weeks. Every day I walk in from walk it is non stop arguments and guilt tripping. I gave him an ultimatum and told him to either stay or leave. He took his coat and left and came back the next day and took his things and had moved into SIL place. I had to quit the job as I was stuck with childcare.
He took the car (even though it was in his name) I needed the car for the school run. DS1 has additional needs and his high school is 15 minutes away by car.
It's been nearly 4 weeks he hasn't even called the kids. They have been left wondering where he went.
He then said he wants to have the rights to not only visit the kids but also take them to his mum and his family (SIL) and he is ready to take me to court to fight me for that.
I spoke to a domestic violence agency who have told me what my options can be going forward. I also spoke to social services. Now that we are getting a divorce I know they (exDP and SIL) will now take things up a notch. It's such an emotionally daring experience and I feel like the whole intention was to rob me of peace of mind or keep me so anxious that I would not have time to devote to the kids and their needs.
Sorry for the long post. Please let me know your thoughts.