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Original poster

Always depleted by Christmas

25 replies

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 16:03

Some years, I just feel like the Christmas arrangements haven't worked for me at all. I wind up feeling frazzled, exhausted, completely fed up and skint. I'm also very much an introvert and will often get to the 27th feeling like I want to hide under a duvet. I often cry.

I'd like to talk through my christmas arrangements and open up to any suggestions for following years?

Every other year, DM visits for Christmas and every other year we go to my inlaws for Christmas dinner. The year we go to my inlaws for dinner is always a better year (despite awful MIL) as it's much less hassle with young DCs as we don't have to prepare dinner. But we still see my DF in the morning and we then have christmas day part 2 on Boxing Day with my DM, which always has to be at our house and often with other siblings.

We are unable to go to DMs for Christmas as she lives with her friend, so we always have to entertain when she comes. DM never helps with the Christmas dinner as she has so many family members to visit so we end up entertaining our young DCs and trying to cook after visiting my inlaws in the morning. DM arrives just in time for dinner and will play with DCs so we can clear up before having to see other family members and driving home again (100 miles away).

We have tried entertaining for inlaws and DM at the same time so that inlaws can watch DCs whilst we prepare dinner, but MIL sets me on edge and will give me extra jobs to do... glasses aren't clean enough, knives need polishing so I prefer to not entertain her.

My father always visits on Christmas day also but asks for a time when DM will not be there as they don't get on. He has never once offered to have christmas dinner with us and always goes to his sister's.

We see our siblings on boxing day most years. I find this an easier day as it's just a few sandwiches if we entertain or we get to eat at theirs. It's quite relaxed,but I get tired after seeing lots of people for a second day.

It feels like everything and everyone is piled into 2 days. Everyone expects to see DCs on Christmas Day. Inlaws only live around the corner so would always expect to see DCs on Christmas day. I've suggested to DH that we start going away at Christmas to avoid all the hassle of who we spend it with, preparing food and cramming in so many visits. I would prefer not to have the pressure of entertaining anyone if we're cooking christmas dinner whilst the DCs are so young. DMs christmas visits are tough as we have a slot of time to see her as she has so many people to visit; we always cook her Christmas dinner as nobody else offers. It's only right that we make her dinner if she's travelling so far to see us on christmas day. I enjoy seeing her at Christmas, but it's always so rushed and other people still expect to see us also.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

Buzzthedragon · 27/12/2020 16:06

Seriously, opt out.
Give everyone plenty of time to get used to it....
start announcing it now for next year.
Get your kids a stocking and a nice gift, spend the holiday watching tv.

Mum4Fergus · 27/12/2020 16:10

You're an adult so you can choose to just put a stop to it all. If/when anyone asks what you are planning tell them you're having a quiet few days at home with your DH/DCs. Get a takeaway or just do snacks...do net let anyone invite themselves along.

randomer · 27/12/2020 16:15

Why? Why are you doing this?

litterbird · 27/12/2020 16:20

My friend does exactly the same. I asked her “why are you putting yourself through this”...she said she would feel guilty if she didn’t. So, if it’s guilt then stop feeling it, put your foot down and stop the nonsense. Quite simple really.

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 16:20

I grew up in a home where each Christmas, we raced around visiting absolutely everyone. We would finally get home around 5pm when Mum would begin making Christmas dinner. We wouldn't eat until 8-9pm.

My mum still spends Christmas doing this. I think I've improved on my parents standards but havent quite mastered how to do Christmas my way yet.

OP posts:

JillofTrades · 27/12/2020 16:24

Why are you putting yourself through this?? Just stay at home. You are a grown woman with children and if you want to stay put in your own home then do that. Why does your sanity and happiness come after everyone else?

Nomoresleeps · 27/12/2020 16:24

Surely this year you didn’t have to do all that. Or are you not in the UK?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/12/2020 16:33

Next year: Christmas day is yours, at home, just you & your children. Dinner is what you all want, when you want it. Kids can enjoy their presents and you do not have to rush around. You & dh have a relaxed evening with a bottle of wine when dc trundle happily off to bed.
Christmas eve, Boxing day others can visit you. Other than tea/coffee/mince pies/biscuits do not cater/cook.
Sound better?

VimFuego101 · 27/12/2020 16:36

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Next year: Christmas day is yours, at home, just you & your children. Dinner is what you all want, when you want it. Kids can enjoy their presents and you do not have to rush around. You & dh have a relaxed evening with a bottle of wine when dc trundle happily off to bed. Christmas eve, Boxing day others can visit you. Other than tea/coffee/mince pies/biscuits do not cater/cook. Sound better?

This. Do an open house with a buffet on Boxing Day if you really feel you need to entertain people.

Posturesorposes · 27/12/2020 16:38

This is what we do. We = me, spouse, DS5, DD 10 months, DDog.

It’s just us.

Every single year. Right from when I was pregnant with DS.

No excess fuss. Loads of food and drink. Proper staycation.

This year was no different except that a beautiful baby was toddling about :)

You can do this too.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/12/2020 16:45

I don’t see anyone Xmas day. Nope. There’s an entire week between Xmas and new year where we can see family so Xmas day and Boxing Day everyone can bugger off. Staggering the get togethers over several days is the only way to do this b

Dacquoise · 27/12/2020 16:54

It seems like you accommodate your DM's schedule at Christmas even though you are the host and it's up to you how you time the day. Your mothers frenetic visiting is depleting you and taking over the day. Have the day set up to suit you and your family. If she wants to see all these other people on the same day, she will have to make her own arrangements which don't impinge on you. She sounds very selfish in her expectations by the way.

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 17:13

Do other peoples families become offended if they don't get to see their GCs on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 17:13

I always feel responsible for DMs Christmas when she visits as I know I'll be the only one to offer to cater for her.

OP posts:

ParadiseLaundry · 27/12/2020 17:20

What would your ideal Christmas be OP?

That's the question I always ask my DH when we are having the yearly Xmas argument (usually in September!). I want to discuss what he wants to do vs what I want to do, not what I want to do vs his family's expectations.

Other people's expectations shouldn't come into it, certainly not on Xmas day, as a pp said you can low key host family on Xmas eve/Boxing Day or any other day if you want!

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 17:21

I really like @CoffeeBeansGalore suggestion.

OP posts:

ParadiseLaundry · 27/12/2020 17:25

In fact MIL was just complaining and saying how terrible it was that her poor friend who, because of COVID, hadn't seen both of her sons on Xmas day for the first time in 42 years (their entire lives). Not to diminish the fact that this woman was legitimately upset but I couldn't help thinking how lucky she had been seeing them every year and that their wives certainly hadn't seen their families every year (confirmed by MIL).

Just for balance, I have two young sons but certainly wouldn't expect to see them both on every Xmas day when they grow up!

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 17:45

Make it clear early this year that things are changing. Christmas day is for your family, enjoy the gifts in peace and quiet and at your own pace. They then have a choice of any of the other days to either come over or you go there.

At a push , you could have your mum over but she comes when you decide , when you're ready and willing to have dinner,and whatever you cook goes.

Just because you've always done it,doesn't mean you have to keep doing it, particularly when it's painfully obvious it's not working for you.

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 20:14

I spoke to DH about how I feel about christmas this afternoon ( he knows I'm grumpy today and has commented so).

He says he loves the hustle and bustle of christmas and would see more family if he could! So doesn't look like my ideal christmas would work for him. I just feel like I'm not fully able to enjoy any of it... I'd love to have time to play with DCs more, actually watch a film on christmas day, I've never once watched the Queens speech at the time it's been on either. I'd love to just settle down and be able to embrace the day a bit more.

Saying that, as DH has pointed out, if I was stuck inside all day with DCs, I'd likely complain I had cabin fever and wanted to get out. (good point).

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 20:18

@Lovethethought

I spoke to DH about how I feel about christmas this afternoon ( he knows I'm grumpy today and has commented so).

Saying that, as DH has pointed out, if I was stuck inside all day with DCs, I'd likely complain I had cabin fever and wanted to get out. (good point).

Why can't he take the kids then and visit his parents in the morning while you chill for a bit and /or do some meal prep. When they come back you can go for a walk or watch a Christmas movie. Then he entertains the kids and your mum while you cook or the other way around.

Where there's a will there's a way, as long as everyone compromises and pitch in so that everyone gets what they need.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/12/2020 20:19

You could alternate with your DH - one year you do it your way, the next year his. But on his year he gets to do the heavy lifting with regard to cooking and entertaining everyone.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 20:23

Saying that, as DH has pointed out, if I was stuck inside all day with DCs, I'd likely complain I had cabin fever and wanted to get out.

Well you'll never know will you since you've never had the chance to even try it out.

Original poster

Lovethethought · 27/12/2020 20:30

Yes true.
Although I'm sure a short pre-lunch walk would address the cabin fever issue anyway. I think a lot of people do christmas day walks don't they?

OP posts:

Namechangeme87 · 27/12/2020 20:31

Just don’t do it . I won’t be tied to any particular Christmas Day / Boxing Day etc traditions other than the agreed shared custody myself and ex have with the dc . I have hosted sometimes , accepted invites from family some years and others done just ya at home or I have worked and had a belated Xmas . I have also declined invites .

I also won’t get into conversations about it u till nearer the time . No I don’t know in July what I will want to do in December

I always feel bad when people tell me their plans and seem to be tied in to some obligatory family visit . I prefer to be at home we’re dc can play with their toys and I can relax and actually enjoy the fruits of the prep that’s gone into it

Just say NO!

cheeseisthebest · 27/12/2020 20:36

Sounds horrendous. You aren't responsible for your Mum. And your mil sounds vile, she comes to your house and gives you jobs to do??? What does your DH say about that?

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