Should I leave?

[Timetotakethedecsdown]

I have been unwell with severe anxiety and depression for approximately 6 weeks. I can imagine that it cannot be much fun having a depressed partner and I regularly struggle with my mental health. I am having suicidal thoughts and on Christmas Eve I talked about killing myself. This was a cry for help really because my husband was just ignoring me even though he knew I was really stressed about a work situation. My husband response was ‘You go and do what you have to do.’
He still hasn’t spoken to ma and I just don’t if I can continue like this. How do I separate if I can’t afford to live in the area on my own? I am mid fifties. Am I too old to start again? How do I go about it?

I'd start by seeing your GP about your mental health. You need support, whether that's medication or counselling or both. I don't think I could forgive what he said. The only mitigation I could think of is if you tend to say this and not mean it and he knows that or he's very depressed himself. Even if there was a good reason for his behaviour I think I'd struggle to move past it. But if you're having suicidal thoughts and severely depressed and your situation isn't living with your DH isn't unsafe than your mental health needs to be your first priority.

Definitely get help for your mental health. You can get better! I did.

Now, the DH. Not nice. Not speaking to you for days is abusive. But... how often has he heard you say you will kill yourself? As someone who was suicidal for decades, I know it's wearing/soul destroying for the people around you. That doesn't mean you have to feel bad about it, because you can't help it.

So, GP etc. Also find out about getting accommodation just for you, in case you decide this is the way forward.

You're not too old to start again. I'd say it's imperative that you do. It's your life and you need to enjoy what you can of it.

I have been speaking to my GP regularly and I am on medication. I am also seeing a psychotherapist. I am just so unhappy. I desperately need my husband to support me but he either can’t or won’t. It is not something I say all the time but I did take an overdose a couple of years ago and ended up in A&E. I just have no idea what to do. Will it be worse on my own at my age? Should I just put up with ?

I'm absolutely no expert and you need to speak to your psychotherapist about it. However, I would have thought that being with someone who not only isn't supportive, but is almost sabotaging you is more detrimental than not being with him.

This was a cry for help really because my husband was just ignoring me

He quite possibly responded appropriately to you in that respect, then.

However, suicidal ideation is something that is important to address with professionals urgently.

Professionals are far better placed to support you with your mental health than your spouse when you are plagued with these thoughts. He cannot 'fix' them and to try to do so could stop you from seeking professional help when you might need a medication adjustment, a different therapy - or you might need to accept that your relationship has broken down and be helped to adjust to that.

Ask them for help. I hope they can provide what you genuinely need.

You’re probably right. I have been advised to leave him in the past. It’s just not that easy. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do. Starting again at my age seems terrifying. Could I even do it with my health issues?

@Timetotakethedecsdown

You’re probably right. I have been advised to leave him in the past. It’s just not that easy. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do. Starting again at my age seems terrifying. Could I even do it with my health issues?

Yes, you can. To put it bluntly, if he left you, you'd have to do it - at least this way, it would be your choice. And having control over this would be a start to, ironically enough, doing 'what you have to do'.

Making an appointment with a solicitor specialising in divorce would give you at least an idea of options/potential outcomes. Don't tell him you're doing it, and even if you decide that you don't want to leave right now or in the near future, you have knowledge.

So that's at least 2, if not 3 appointments to make - one with your GP, possibly one with your therapist, one with a solicitor.

Doing 'something' (I hasten to add, not harmful to yourself) can also lessen feelings of ideation without intent, as sometimes, it can be that you're feeling trapped and powerless, rather than actively wanting to die - is it possible that your feelings are more 'I don't want to live like this anymore' rather than 'I don't want to live', for example?

Thanks for your advice. You are spot on. I realise that I don’t want to actually die but I end up feeling so trapped that I feel as if it is my only option.

What happened six weeks ago to trigger this bout of illness?

What is your situation regards housing, have you children?

I think for both your sakes you should find a way to leave. He is also clearly at rock bottom trying to live with someone whose MH is fragile and who needs more support than he can now give. Maybe talk it through and find a way you can both move on. Maybe you would actually find more support from him if he was not suffering from burnout too?

Just all got on top of me. Both my daughters are at university. I can’t visit them due to COVID. So it’s just me and my husband and it is so depressing. I feel so alone and think that this is my life now and it’s so awful. I have a job I hate and which also causes me huge stress. I have wanted to retrain for years but husband was always concerned about money. I feel as if nobody cares about me or my happiness. I’m just here to support everyone else. My daughters know I’m unwell and yet haven’t once asked how I am. I was in tears earlier because one of them was really sharp with me. I said that the way she spoke to me upset me and she is now ignoring me as well.