Depressed partner

[Saffie980]

Hi, I'm looking for advice please. I have been with my partner for 7 years, we are in our early 30s and neither of us have children. We broke up early this year and have been trying to figure out if we have a future together. I love him and think he is very kind and loving. He has been depressed for over a year now (has been on anti depressants and on the waiting list for talking therapies). He has always lacked confidence, but it has got really bad in the last year. He is scared to apply for jobs or take on any potentially difficult challenges. He says he feels worthless and has no faith in himself.

I have also had self esteem issues, but I have worked hard to overcome them (I had therapy, studied for a postgrad degree and got an amazing job) and now feel really confident and excited about the future. I don't know what to do, because I am in such a good place and he is so flat. He doesn't talk to anybody about how he is feeling. Although his parents are very lovely, they won't talk about feelings. He also doesn't have many friends and lives a solitary life in a tiny bedsit.

I would love to be with a confident, social and ambitious man. How can I know if he can become these things? And is it wrong to not want to be with a unconfident, solitary and undriven man even if he is kind? I am really committed to becoming the best version of myself (sorry, a little cheesy) after years of lacking confidence. I sometimes struggle to balance trying to be positive and striving for a better life, with being with him. It makes me feel selfish and like I am hurting him. I would love for him to change, but that doesn't seem very loving. But I know he is not very happy with himself.

Has anybody else had experience of dealing with a depressed partner? If so, do you have any advice on how I can best help him and myself? Although he is always very pleasant, I just find him draining at times when I am trying to nuture my new found confidence.

Hi. I'm sorry your having a tough time .
You say you'd love him to be with a social and ambitious man and how will you know if he can change and be this .....I think you need to not try to change him .He is who he is and he needs you right now . It's hard though supporting someone with depression .
I have a dp with depression and yes sometimes it's draining to the point of it feeling like he's sucked all the happiness out of me .He knows I sometimes find this hard to deal with and inside I sometimes what to call him selfish and lazy . But he doesn't choose to feel like that so (mostly) I make sure he gets the sleep or time he needs .
Talk .... talk and talk more with no pressure if you can .
Perhaps ask him what makes him feel good when he's feeling okay and offer it when he's not so good ?
Ask him how you can help support him . It may be that just being there and being someone he can rely on and trust is what he needs and enough .
For us, dp needs space . So rather than take it personally, which I did initially, I make sure he gets his space and use that time to follow my own interests and see my own friends . Make sure you absolutely look after yourself . That's a priority . Eat well, sleep well , get some fresh air and do what makes you feel good .
Try not to take it personally but he's lucky to have you and that you want to support him . I read sometimes that people are pushed entirely away sometimes so I tend to just be there even if he's in bed all day . He tells me afterwards when he's been really bad it was comforting knowing I was downstairs .
I'd just go sneak in and lay next to him sometimes and give him a cuddle and tell him it's okay etc ( dp has unfortunately lost both his dogs and his father this year which didn't help )
Take care and hope you get some support

Perhaps your relationship has run its course. You have changed and it sounds like he hasn't, you want different things. I would talk to his parents about him, perhaps if they are in a position to they could pay for some therapy(if he is stilll waiting for scnat NHS help) and support him. It shouldn't be your burden to shoulder. Has he always lived alone or before the split did you live together?

I think although it sounds selfish you should put your own MH first and use your energy for yourself. Perhaps still support him but limit your vists to a set amount of time you can cope easily with or insist on meeting outside for an activity like a walk and a coffee. Has he been depressed before (perhaps not so badly)? If so, then this may be a pattern where he will retreat and not be able to cope with work or finding work so if you stay together longer term you may have to shoulder being the breadwinner. Have you plans to have DC, you might want to consider how you would deal with his depressions. Depression often happens at or just after large life events such as death, marriage and having children. He may not be able to support you.

A year is a long time for the AD's not to be working, perhaps he needs to see his GP again - is he not proactive in wantingt o recover? You can't force him. Don't martyr yourself if you want to be free that's absolutely fine.

I'm so glad I found this thread, I logged in tonight as I need support for my situation. Short version - been with my partner for 20 years, he's always had a drink problem, but the pandemic really affected his mental health and he's going to doc next week for medication. Selfishly I'm really struggling - I work full time, our son has a heart condition and some minor learning issues, I do all of the shopping and housework and childcare. I can't cope anymore. I was trying to help and support him but tonight I feel that I sum up the 'you can't pour from an empty cup' saying. I have considered separating but I'm his third long term partner and I really want to try to stick around - he's not violent and we don't argue, we tend to stop talking instead. I'm wondering if just offloading like this every now and then might be enough...? Any advice ladies xxx