Contact over Christmas - abusive ex

[StartingAgainat31]

Was I in the wrong here? This is our first Christmas apart. I had our 2 year old daughter on Christmas Eve and Day and then she was going to his Boxing Day until the 28th, over her 3rd birthday. I sent numerous photos to him and his Mum so they could feel involved. I recorded a video of her saying Merry Christmas to them all early on Christmas morning and sent it to them. I called them while I was driving to see our family, while his family were there. We video called during present opening, because I thought he would like to see it but he hung up because my family were there.

I asked her several times if she wanted to speak to Daddy, and she was adament she didn't. She was happy playing with her cousins that she hasn't see for a year. I think forcing her would have resulted in a meltdown and a conversation that would have been upsetting for the both of them and would have been completely destructive and I would have been to blame for that as well.

We had a long family lunch and then went for a walk to the beach. I video called him when she got back. Admittedly she was tired. But he got the huff and hung up again, not even giving her a chance or encouraging her to speak and chat.

I then receive messages telling me how hurt and upset he was that I hadn't made and effort to allow him to speak to her. He has now accused me of being the abusive one. I only unblocked him after previous abuse, so that he could be involved with her over Christmas.

For some context, he had abused me verbally, emotionally and physically for 14 years. I believe he is a narcissist. He has ruined every holiday, birthday, Christmas, and event where I am with my family. He has blamed me for everything over the years. Using my postnatal depression against me. I never get it right. I'm always the one in the wrong and yet he accuses me of making everything about me.

I really tried to go over and above, but the day was busy and she wanted to play and wasn't really interested in video calling. The 28th is her birthday, which he has her for. I had said I would go, but I'm not prepared to if its going to be awkward.

At no point did he even ask what she wanted or if she had enjoyed her day.

This is all new to me and genuinely tried to do the best I could. But I now feel guilty and worried I got it all wrong.

You have nothing to feel guilty about nor did anything wrong. My wife and I are separated and any gesture of the types you've made should be welcomed by him. I'm happy for any seconds of contact I have with my children and both my ex and I go to great lengths to make sure the other is as involved as possible when the children are with each of us.
You've gone above and beyond. Don't feel guilty. At all

Too op I’ve gone above and beyond for a narcissist

Why?

Send the pics/video if you want to but then leave it at that.

You’re doing right by getting yourself and dd out of that toxic swamp of a relationship

You owe him nothing

Too op I’ve gone above and beyond for a narcissist

Should have read You’ve gone above and beyond for a narc

Sorry

Nothing you do will ever be right. He will invent things to be nasty about because you failed to follow the script that he is the centre of the universe.
I recommend the website Quora and type, narcissists, in the search bar. There is a whole online community that deals with surviving a narcissist. I find it very helpful. Putting up boundaries is a constant talking point.
Best of luck OP.

@willowmelangell thank you. That's useful advice.

Can you not see that hes just repeating the cycle? A leopard doesn't change his spots and that is why you left him, but don't allow him to continue to control you.