No one wins here, but how to balance it all?

[Pinatacake]

Not sure exactly what I'm asking here, maybe ideas on how to keep going long term, with an eye to trying to please everyone as much as possible?

Sister is in hospital long term. Her husband and kids live a long drive away, and have pets etc at home, so they can't visit that much. It costs quite a bit to get to the hospital, and they have to stay with my parents overnight for a few days at a time, which dad finds hard, as the kids take over somewhat and can be noisy.

My parents and I live closer, but it still costs quite a bit with tolls and petrol, and a day of missed work (for me). Due to Covid restrictions limiting numbers of visitors and other issues, I've only been visiting once a week for the past few weeks, driving mum in while dad has a break. He's finding the driving (into the city) and stress very tiring. Mum feels my sister needs a visitor every day as far as possible. Visitors were restricted to 3 different people in total while in ICU, for the past month it is any number of different people, but one at a time, which means a lot of sitting around drinking tea in the cafe each visit. Only a couple of friends have visited once each, SIL once, brother twice. So it's mostly down to me and my parents. It's going to be very long term. Over a year.

Mum doesn't drive my parents car, so every time they visit, dad has to drive. It takes pretty much the whole day, so once the kids are back at school, if I'm driving mum in, dad will have to pick up kids and sit with them until dh gets back from work. Everything has been really ad hoc up to now, mum keeps asking if I want to go in all the time because I'm entertaining (apparently), and puts pressure on dad to go as often as possible. She's wearing him out. It would be different if she did some of the driving, but she won't.. Public transport isn't really an option right now.

In an effort to make things easier on dad I've now suggested I do the driving twice a week (paying tolls and petrol) and he does it twice a week. Sis will have us visit alternately two weekday evenings (3-7pm) and both weekend days. She could ask friends or sil (some of whom work much closer than we live to the hospital) to visit on the other days, but that's up to her. Our efforts to coordinate people visiting are largely ignored.

I just feel sad, tired, and like I'm not doing enough. I'm cross and frustrated that mum is putting pressure on dad, and am concerned about how much this is all costing them and myself. Money is tight, as it is for most of us right now. I'm supposed to go in and cheer sis up when I feel anything but cheerful. I'm not sure what else to suggest to try and take pressure off dad while still keeping sis's spirits up. There's no good answer, and I feel mean or unsupportive for trying to implement this compromise.

Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble. I know sis enjoys visits, but I don't want dad to get worn out, and it's bloody expensive! We've cut expenses as far as possible (shared long term parking tickets, taking food/drink in for lunch/dinner), but I'm still worried. Any good ideas? Is it a fair compromise? Moral support would be much appreciated too. Thanks.

What a stress for you and your family

I don't think it's necessary for daily visits given how long she will be in for (how come it's so long?) and the amount of hassle.

Her husband and children could stay in a B&B instead of in your parents house maybe.

If your sister isn't bothered about asking people then does she actually care if she is visited?

Your Mum should drive or taxi/uber or train if she wants to go more (depending on distance). If covid is the fear then maybe use FaceTime instead?

No, that would just be more expensive in the city, neither of them would want to be away from home half the week or more, and as this is so long term it would end up being expensive.
Yes, she is in a specialist ward in the city, none of which are closer to her home.

Thanks for the flowers @Calyx72

I don't know how much is not wanting her less close friends to see her in her current state. She's said she doesn't mind not having visitors every day, but if not, tends to get very depressed. It's a life changing injury, caused by someone else's stupid behaviour.

FaceTime is a good idea, but not as good at raising her spirits, I expect.

Once the covid situation is improved, we will be trying out the train, which should be a bit cheaper. I suspect an uber would be expensive, but it's an option...as is husband & kids possibly staying else where. I don't think a b&b type thing would do it (expense, yet again), but maybe SIL is closer...I'll ask :)

Would something like an air b and b be better as could hire for longer and could have own cooking facilities?

Are there any charities that you could approach for support to ease some financial pressure.

What a shit situation. I'm sorry.

The one thing that stood out for me is that this doesn't all really sound sustainable for a year? Perhaps it's worth thinking about more semi-permanent arrangements eg her husband renting somewhere closer if possible. Wasn't clear from your OP if your mum can't drive at all or whether she's just not happy driving your dad's car? If it's the latter, again if this is going to be a year she will have to learn to suck it up and drive herself.
Look after yourself OP. You sound like you're being a brilliant sister and you're also taking on a lot of responsibility on yourself to help, make sure you aren't giving too much of yourself

It’s a tough one - I can see how your sister obviously really likes the visits but multiple visits per week for a year isn’t sustainable when it’s such hard work - if you lived down the road maybe. I would say once a week is really all you could/should commit to if that’s doable at all. I know it’s shit for her but being in hospital long term is shit and to be quite honest, many of us haven’t seen friends or family at all for long periods of time this year. I’ve seen my own sister once, for example.

Maybe BIL needs to be working towards booking a week or two in an Airbnb closer later in the year. That would give them all something to look forwards to and that would easier, knowing a nice week was coming along.

Have you tried talking to your sister and explaining that , without meaning to sound harsh or anything, the amount of visits are getting stressful and expensive?? You say that your mum feels that your sister needs daily visits but surely your sister should understand everyone has busy lives etc and she may be happy to drop a couple of days a week or whatever .
Difficult situation, but it sounds like you could be pushing yourself , you need to think of everyone else's health and well being in all of this too.

It sounds as though your Mum could go by herself but won’t drive their car? She needs to sort this out, it’s not fair to put additional pressure on you.

Does your sister have her full mental capabilities? I mean, she hasn’t been intellectually disabled by whatever caused her serious injury? Then surely it’s her call, in conjunction with her husband, to sort out their living arrangements etc for the year, let others look after their pets — as others have said, this doesn’t sound sustainable as it is. Is it likely to be another full year? Daily visits don’t sound manageable. Has your sister said she needs them?

When a family member spent months in a distant MH unit, we could only manage two or three visits a week, spread among different family members, but everyone Skyped a lot.

I know that they are generally not liked on here but seeing as there sounds like a tragic story behind this and money would be a huge help here, would they consider a crowd funder??

Could pay for taxis or the air b n b idea for longer but less frequent family visits.

How far away do her husband and children live? Could they move half way and still keep kids in school for example? If this is long term surely it will be very hard mentally for both your sister and her children not to see each other?

THat sounds way to much for a year you do not live a short drive away. How much does it cost in losing a days wages, plus petrol, tolls and car parking? A long visit once a week makes more sense and then use technology for video calls and chats. It’s keeping in touch that’s important not just being there.

Maybe it’s a good idea to keep weekends free for husband and kids to visit and let friends know she is “free” they could be thinking they don’t want to be interrupting family time and staying away.

I’m sure your sister wouldn’t want put any more stress on the family never mind financial burden. Could parents visit twice and you visit alternative once and twice a week? Then she be getting visitors 3/4 days out of 7. Calls and videos the rest?

Thanks for the replies guys.

Their family home is about 5 hours drive from the hospital, so not really doable to stay halfway between the two. They have dogs who have been staying with a friend for weeks, but they don't want to strain the friendship with that long term, apparently. The kids will obviously need to be in school and as the timescale isn't set in stone and is dependent on how sis progresses, moving closer for an undetermined length of time isn't really practical and would probably be more stressful. It's prob good for them to be able to stay in familiar surroundings with friends nearby. I totally get the bit about people not having been able to visit family for long periods. I'm used to that even in normal times, with a dh who can be working away for some very long periods, so I know her kids can adjust to it. I'm not sure they'll be up every weekend, for various reasons. I would ideally like to be able to 'roster on' visitors because there's no point two lots of people turning up on the same day (covid restrictions), but no one will either commit ahead of time or stick to arranged plans, so far. Drives me mad. So parents/myself are expecting to go at the weekend unless we hear differently at short notice. I think I'll ask sis if she can be a bit more proactive with that, and keeping us in the loop.

I'm sure sis would cope with a couple of in person visits a week, which have to fit in with physio and occupational therapy. The problem is more my mum. She's not driven their car at all and won't drive in city traffic (tbh, I'm not sure she'd manage busy traffic). She's a bit decrepit for travelling a couple of hours on public transport herself, so dad would go with her. So as long as she's pushing for more visits, he's going to be going. Which is why I'm trying to take on half the visits to save him some stress. Everyone has told her it's not sustainable but they're both retired, so she doesn't see why they don't visit as often as possible. She's already said she'll keep visiting until the money runs out. Not sensible, and we've already argued about it. I don't know what to say anymore.

She's been very lucky in terms of having no head injuries, and I agree that she and her husband should be able to arrange all that stuff, but he's pretty crap when it comes to that, we never know the plans, he hasn't mentioned anything long-term yet, so parents or me are doing all the visiting in the meantime. Whenever I ask, I never get anything conclusive back. Which also drives me mad!

A crowd funder seems a bit cheeky given the circumstances most people are in at present. I appreciate the idea though.

Hey OP
In terms of scheduling visits, have you ever used doodle? It's basically a scheduling app (can also be done via the website, doesn't need to be on phone) you can add people and they can express yes/no/maybe for dates/times, however you customise it. If you can get it up and running with some of your DSis family & friends it might help take some of the organisational load off you. Everyone can see everyone else's responses so it would be clear what days she's got visitors which not etc. It does need people to actually use it though! Hopefully you can guilt trip them!

To give a bit of tough love - you're not helping your mum accept reality by taking on half the visits, especially if that ends up being unsustainable. By doing that you're essentially agreeing with her that more than 2-3 times a week is required. I know you're trying to save your dad. But he needs to learn to say no too - or she needs to sort herself out with driving. I think you need to put your foot down a bit with them and stop trying to please everybody. It already sounds like you are doing a lot. You're in for the long haul, unfortunately, so start as you mean to go on.x

BIL really needs to step up here and do more. If he can't visit frequently himself then he needs to at least organise and manage a visiting system/friends rota.

It's crazy that you have taken on so much of the burden here (apologies, I know you don't want to think of your DSis as a burden) and it's absolutely not sustainable.

I think the only way forward is to have a proper Zoom group chat with BIL and parents and sort something out. If you try to keep going as you are you will put yourself under a massive amount of stress and your own health may well be affected.

There's a lot of 'Mum doesn't want to do this', 'Dad doesn't want to do that' but someone needs to compromise and it doesn't need to always be you.

Could you get your sister's agreement to share a blank rota with a select few friends?

You need to pace yourself if it's for a year. Your sister may get down, but you need to put your oxygen mask on first.

Thanks @Cavagirl, I hadn't heard of that, but it sounds like it could be useful, I'll look into it.

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I certainly don't think I'm doing a lot, visiting once (now twice) a week, supporting family members and making suggestions which largely sail off in the wind....am beginning to think that's maybe not useful - bil went back home the other day, no one knows when he is coming back up. Sis is going to ask but I think she doesn't want to be a nag, or something. I know it's difficult, but his lack of communication and organisation just makes it more stressful for every one else, and (I know this is horrible) I'm starting to resent the fact that my parents (and I by extension) fill in around him and change plans at the last minute, when all it needs is a bit of forethought and every one knows what's going on. The Rota idea is a good one. I suggested it when visits from others became possible, but it's a bit scuppered by Covid atm.

I guess I'll suggest these things, and if nothing changes just say when I'll be available then leave every one else to organise themselves as they please. I'm all for being flexible, but in the long run this ad hoc method is only beneficial to bil while being stressful for everyone else. Thanks helping me sort my head out a bit, guys.