My childhood was abusive. My mother is an alcoholic, who had a temper. Life revolved around her and her moods. If she was happy, then great, otherwise - miserable. I've spent a lot of time in therapy as an adult, just to even be able to speak, I found speaking hard when I left home as I was criticised and screamed at so much. Since having my ds many years later, I've made an effort to be civil to her. I honestly wasn't sure as I've always been scared of her, really properly scared. Publicly and with other family members she is all sweetness. She always makes out like it's me who is difficult or bad tempered. In other areas of my life I'm also scapegoated. She blames me for our lack of relationship, it's because I've 'changed'. She hasn't screamed at me for years so I thought that my ds could get to know her. That was the advice at the time, she would have bombarded me with presents and cards for him had I not. There was cultural pressure, people just don't get abuse. How would I have explained it to ds? She has always been really intense with him. She treats him now still as a toddler even though he is a lot older, she treats him like a god and says it's normal. I think she sees him as her redemption. She doesn't stop feeding him sweet things and sending him money, she never listens if I ask her not to do something or makes out I'm difficult. She is generous with presents. I know usual grandparent stuff but she treats me like a ghost, if I speak, she actually turns her head.
She has seen him only once during covid and she is putting immense pressure on me. Me and her are both in tier 4, she's in her 70s. But she is speaking to him on phone over christmas like I'm stopping her seeing him. She's intenselly saying how much she is desperate to see him. She says all her friends' children are breaking the rules, so why can't I. Covid is basically breaking through the cracks in our relationship. She's starting to be intense and unhinged again. And it's scaring me.
I'm sorry as this is such a different experience to others out there who have been in pain not seeing their family this year but I haven't missed seeing her in person. Last Christmas, I was ill for 3 days on return from staying with her. She intently talks at me, as an adult. As in permently, she doesn't stop for breath, for hours!
And for years, I've been so generous with her and made sure they form a bond and I've tolerated all she's thrown my way. But now, its a NO. The thing is he has a relationship with her. But now she's getting intense. But I don't want to see her. Obviously, I'll have to but I've just reached this point. I'm done with being ignored, this year's given me time to think, I'm done. She has spent years saying awful things about me to other family members, so I'm aware she could do the same with ds.
Any advice? How do others cope? Thanks.