Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m in desperate need of an objective opinion, please!

25 replies

Travelavid · 26/12/2020 23:10

Hello,

I’m a single mum with a serious and stable corporate career. I have been single for more than 4 years now and have decided to finally start dating. And what a better year to choose to kick this off than the year of a global event that’s meant to happen every 300 years??!!

Long story short is I finally met someone who I connected instantly. He had a demanding job too and he seemed really nice but not the type I’d normally go for. The chemistry was insane, however, red flags started to show after a few weeks. A few months of dating, he fell ill and as his condition didn’t get better he decided to go to the doctors and have some tests. This is how he found out he had an STD. I’ve never had a test like that in my life and clearly this was deeply humiliating for me. He never admitted to sleeping with someone else since we’ve been together and he is adamant he’s been a carrier for a while and the symptoms were triggered by low immune system. I called BS and put an end to it but now I wonder if I’ve done the right thing. The rational side of my brain is very clear that I’ve done the right thing but my ex always accused me of not being tolerant enough. Should have I given him the chance to explain himself? He didn’t even bother to call when he got the results but managed everything via text messages which I thought was indicative of guilty behaviour...as least. What do you guys think? Btw, needles to say I feel utterly ashamed to talk to friends and family about this. Many thanks 🙏

OP posts:
Snowman123 · 26/12/2020 23:13

What does your gut feeling say? Trust that.

I would say it's perfectly possible the std has been lying dormant for some time and not necessarily an indication of foul play.

It can happen to anyone. I'm sure he was mortified which was possibly the reason for the texts.

anonnnnni · 26/12/2020 23:14

Red flags after a few weeks and you think you’re in the wrong here? Please tell me why you suspect you’re the one at fault. Your gut was screaming. There was a reason for this

Finfintytint · 26/12/2020 23:14

Errr, he’s a shagger and making excuses.

Snowman123 · 26/12/2020 23:14

What were the red flags?

Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2020 23:20

If there were other red flags after a few weeks you’ve done the right thing.

NC866 · 26/12/2020 23:27

Depends what the STD was and whether it was one that can lay dormant without obvious symptoms for a while. I take it you didn’t catch it? There’s no need to be ‘humiliated’ by going for an STD screening, surely it’s something that most sexually active adults do at some point (or should do?). He probably texted about it because he felt embarrassed. He might have cheated but he might not, you’ll never know really unless you both have clear STD checks at the start of your relationship. Do you feel like he cheated, were there other signs of it?

soopedup · 26/12/2020 23:28

He didn’t even call you to discuss the results? Charming, I hope you got the all clear. Steer clear. He’s a liar

Original poster
Travelavid · 27/12/2020 00:01

@NC866- thank you for your reply. It’s gonorrhoea and I am still waiting for my results to come through. It’s highly likely that it’ll come back positive. His behaviour on our last weekend together was very telling. He constantly talked about STIs and hinted to a positive test outcome almost to an obsessive point. Again, very obvious he felt guilty and knew what was coming. My gut feeling is that he’s not telling the truth and there’s more to the dormant story he told me. Thanks again x

OP posts:
cherrycola742 · 27/12/2020 00:02

If it was Herpes/Hepatitis/Syphilis, you can be a carrier for months/years before symptoms appear.

Original poster
Travelavid · 27/12/2020 00:04

No, he didn’t call me. He sent me a series of long texts but no phone call or face to face conversation. I think I’ll just mind my own business and give it a rest. Thanks for your reply, btw :)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 00:12

Hope all will be well soon. The fact he didn't call you is a bad thing.

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/12/2020 00:18

He knew full well the test was going to be positive.

Run for the hills OP.

PixelatedLunchbox · 27/12/2020 00:19

Get rid.

I’m in desperate need of an objective opinion, please!
longcoffeebreak · 27/12/2020 00:27

What a total nightmare

londonscalling · 27/12/2020 01:04

You say he'd been talking as if he knew he would test positive for a STD. If this is the case then it is absolutely disgusting that he knew but was still sleeping with you!

Rangoon · 27/12/2020 01:59

He was probably ignoring unpleasant symptoms and latterly at least strongly suspected that he did have an std and continued to have sex with you. You were very lucky he eventually told you so you can get treatment and that it is something that is curable. I dont think he is a good man and I think you were tight to end it. More condom use and less trust in future and trust has to be earned.

Mlm1236 · 27/12/2020 08:06

You don't say in your post whether you had agreed to exclusivity or not? Although, his shadiness about knowing the STD test would be positive would put me right off.

Also, nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever. Whenever I get into a new relationship after a few months would prefer not to have to use condoms so I request we both get tested. I also got tested after my ex of 11 years because he put his dick everywhere apparently.

I'm pleased that he at least told you that it had come back positive!

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2020 08:09

Yeah you’ve made the right decision to dump him

Djouce · 27/12/2020 08:10

Your instincts are right. Good luck with the treatment.

HermioneMakepeace · 27/12/2020 08:20

I introduced one of my male friends to one of my female friends and they hooked up and stayed over at my flat for the weekend. On the Sunday, I was woken up by my male friend waving his willy in my face shouting, “look what your bloody mate did to me!”.

I don’t want to go into details, but he very clearly had something wrong. He dragged my friend down to the VD Clinic (as it was known then) and sure enough they both had Gonorrhoea. The symptoms in him appeared roughly 36 hours after he first had intercourse with my friend, so I think the incubation period is quite short.

Interestingly, my friend had no visible symptoms. She did, however, have an ongoing stomach ache and subsequently discovered that the Gonorrhoea had spread and damaged other internal organs.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/12/2020 08:25

Perhaps he’s been seeing prostitutes?

Djouce · 27/12/2020 08:25

These people should have packets of condoms surgically attached to them.

Starllyow · 27/12/2020 08:42

Gross! You were right o run OP, I hope you’re ok.

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2020 09:01

Hermione, has he not heard of condoms. I'm amazed at the amount of men who stick their dicks in someone they don't know that well without condoms.

HermioneMakepeace · 27/12/2020 09:16

@Bananalanacake this was in 1983, before AIDS was a thing. And he’d just got out of jail so wasn’t really prepared.

Note: I keep better company these days 😂

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread