An outside opinion welcome

[drizzleborn]

Background. Together 17 years, married 10 with 3 children. We've had a couple of bumps in the relationships but nothing major. However we seem to be stuck in a cycle of him being thoughtless and my being upset and hurt. I freeze him out and we dont speak for days or over a week. He doesn't try and speak to me as "you obviously need time to work through it" and I end up more frustrated and start a dialogue with him during which he promises to not do whichever specific thing it was he did this time.

I'm tired and sad. I'd like things to be better but he seems oblivious to proactively avoid things that will cause problems. Yesterday was a big problem because on Xmas eve he decided to do a large DIY outdoor project in the afternoon, I'd been trending to the D.C. and so the Xmas day prep ran late into the evening (small hours) and so I woke up tired. We met with local close friends in the late afternoon at their place and he spent 5 hours solidly catching up with his friend and I was single handedly entertaining kids from both families and took over the meal cooking. When we got home I told him I'd had a really rubbish time and went to bed. We haven't spoken today. I just don't know where to go from here.

If there's to be any hope in salvaging this relationship, you need marriage counselling, and the sooner the better because it won't be long until the resentment you feel is insurmountable. Both of you need serious help with your communication issues, because going for days without talking is just foolish and destructive. If both of you want this marriage to work, both of you will have to be 100% committed to fixing your problems.

You need to learn different strategies for dealing with conflict, as the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

I think you should go to counselling individually to work out why this is your go-to response, and how to overcome it.

When he is inconsiderate, do you ever challenge him at the time, and what is the response? Why did you end up the sole adult entertaining the children? Why were none of the other adults sharing the task, why weren't you able to say "hey - could do with someone taking over here?"

When I go quiet it's not because I'm trying to punish him but I'm trying to avoid an argument as I hate them. My parents divorced when I was 9 and I hated hearing the shouting. I've learnt to just get over things internally and rejoin communicating in a normal way when I'm not upset or irritated anymore.

I interact with the children normally, he tends to give me a wide berth and avoids being in the same room as me. If he asks me questions about family logistics I will answer him. I just don't seek out interactions. I don't ignore him. I don't actively reach out either.

Sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate with each other. Marriage guidance would be a good start

Well you can't say it's exactly working well for you, can you?

When I go quiet it's not because I'm trying to punish him but I'm trying to avoid an argument as I hate them.

Why does talking through issues with your husband have to be an argument? Can't you just have a constructive conversation?

Btw, I would bet your husband feels you absolutely are trying to punish him when you give him the silent treatment. It's passive-aggressive, hurtful, and needs to stop.

We met with local close friends in the late afternoon at their place and he spent 5 hours solidly catching up with his friend and I was single handedly entertaining kids from both families and took over the meal cooking.

Why didn't you go to him and say "Your turn!" ? Sorry to be harsh, but this smacks of you playing the martyr. If he don't tell him what you need, he won't know.

Hmmm. My parents never shouted, neither would dream of raising their voices. But the silence in a conflict-filled household is toxic and oppressive. It’s a horrible atmosphere to live in and your children are learning from you and your interactions every day and will take these flawed strategies into their own relationships.

It’s a really unhealthy way to live OP. Whether you want to stay together and improve things, or split up and find a way to coparent in a productive way, you need counselling ASAP to find a way to communicate properly.

Why does disagreeing on something become an argument? Why can you not both put across your views without it becoming shouty?

Dh and I have been married for 21 years, we very rarely argue, we might disagree but we rarely raise our voices or shout at each other.

Having a difference of opinion is not a bad thing. I think maybe you believe it is because of your parents' divorce.

But why on earth did you not approach your Dh at the get together and pass the children off to him?

You definitely need counselling, the whole I will answer him but don't seek out interactions does look like sulking and punishing him with the silent treatment. It is seen as very negative and one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse relationship wise and has a high chance of it ending. This isn't me saying that, it is the Gottman Institute who study relationships.

What happens if you point out that Xmas Eve probably isn't the time to priorities outdoor DIY. Or shout 'oi, can you watch the kids since I'm cooking?'

DH is sometimes this kind of thoughtless. I warned him on the 23rd that he wasn't allowed to 'pop' in the office on the 24th, as he will get distracted and waste hours in there. All fine.

It sounds like an awful marriage.

This sounds like something I wrote except when we go quiet, I am not sure who does it, me or him, but it goes for days sometimes. I know exactly how you feel, it is exhausting. To tell you the truth I am thinking of divorce. Whatever is happening, whoever's fault this is, I would say, is not the way to live.

Could you afford counselling to help with both your communication? I also think that in the examples you gave you could have said to him can you not do that diy project as there’s Christmas prep or can you come and entertain the kids while I cook or can you come help work the cooking rather than letting these things happen then being hurt. My DH can be similarly thoughtless/selfish but I call him out on it or at least seek a compromise before it’s too late to put it right

The example you gave shows you to be a martyr. I think part of you likes having the moral high ground. It must be very frustrating when your husband doesn’t see your sacrifices the way you do.

Use your words and ask for what you need.

I just wanted to jump in here with my support for you OP.
I’m further along in my marriage than you, but the resentment set in for me a long time ago.
I also don’t speak to my DH when he pisses me off, not to punish him, but because I’m sad and frustrated that he’s done it again. And I’m mad with myself for staying and believing that he will do what he says, and that he will change.
I hate the term gas lighting as, as I say, I don’t do it to get my own way, I just have nothing more to say to him.
I suggest to you seriously try to fix this, if that’s what you want, or get out and don’t waste any more of your life on this marriage 💐

@loveyourself2020

This sounds like something I wrote except when we go quiet, I am not sure who does it, me or him, but it goes for days sometimes. I know exactly how you feel, it is exhausting. To tell you the truth I am thinking of divorce. Whatever is happening, whoever's fault this is, I would say, is not the way to live.

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel 💐

OP you sound like my DW. For me though its usually when I'm watching TV or driving and she'll say something and I'm just in that zone where I dont register it. And then its a few days or a week of the silent treatment for my hurtful behaviour.

I agree with PPs that you need marriage counselling pronto if your marriage is going to be saved. We’re obviously only hearing one version of events but it does sound a lot like you’re being a martyr and not saying anything at the time, then punishing your husband after the event. Why didn’t you say something when he started the project, or if he insisted on doing it you should have sent kids out to ‘help’ him. I’m also not sure what Christmas prep takes hours and hours on Christmas Eve, especially in a year where we can’t host big gatherings! Wrapping can be done beforehand, maybe an hour of quick food prep...honestly, I know it’s not the point of the thread but I’m baffled about how many people make just so much WORK from a simple family Christmas!

But anyway, you need to communicate more and stop the silent treatment. Your kids will notice more than you realise.

Sulking is horrible and very damaging to a relationship

Why don’t you calmly say when you don’t want to do things like entertain the kids alone . He’s not a mind reader . My mum used to be like this - take on everything instead of asking for help / delegating and then inwardly seething . Very toxic for you both and your kids .

My dad used to punish my mum by sulking and not speaking to her for days.
As a kid it was awful and so damaging. I remember it so vividly, the atmosphere and how we had no control over it.

Please don’t do this op. Get some help to see why you react this way.

I don't understand why, after a few hours of being expected to look after the dc you didn't simply say 'righto, I need to go and prep for Xmas day. I'll leave the dc with you, bring them home about tea time' job done

Those who have said they do the silent treatment but it's not intended as punishment or abusively - intention isn't magic. The effect is the same. It's a damaging, destructive response to conflict/emotions. (And hands up, I have a tendency to do it myself, developed in a marriage where there was no point explaining what was upsetting me as it always got turned round) so it's not that I don't understand.

Basically when you're at the stage where it's no point telling your partner what's wrong, your relationship is pretty fucked.

Sulking is a passive aggressive response that you have the power to work on.

You have to learn to assert and express your needs. How was your husband to know that his DIY project was an issue or him catching up with a friend?

Your first point of call is learning how to clearly state your needs. And calmly. The first question being why you don’t express your needs. You mention conflict avoidance, and that may be part of it, but there’s probably more to it, such as perhaps you never had your needs met as a child. I’m postulating, but it’s up to you to work out why you avoid expressing yourself clearly.

If he still continues to not recognise them, then your next step is different.

OP - I think you really need to look at yourself and your communication style. And you need to stop blaming your H for everything. He is not a mind reader, and I am guessing, over the years he has learned to stay out of your way because he must have been told repeatedly not to interfere in the way you want to do things.
I get it - I am also particularly this way when I cook, etc. Easier to do things my way than to try to explain to others how I want it done.

As to other things you mentioned - you are being a martyr big time. You went to friends place. You took over their cooking????? Why would you do that.
You seem to be a person who has trouble letting go and just enjoying life. It was Xmas - you were at friends. There were kids for your kids to play with - they didn’t need you to entertain them - kids are pretty OK with playing without adults.
And the food wasn’t your responsibility - why not just sit back and talk to the adults?
Why is the need to take over and control everything around you?

Maybe your H is less than helpful. But I think it’s also likely that over the years he has given up in trying to do it to your standard and failing.