Feel like MIL prefers other DIL to me! Or am I being stipid

[99ericecream]

Feeling a bit eh this Christmas. Don’t know if it’s this year or just how I feel!

But for some time I feel like I’ve been the less favoured DIL. DH only has 1 brother so there’s only one DIL, but they have their DS who is MIL’s first grandchild and as his still quite young she’s still so besotted with him and it’s so lovely watching him grow and learn new things!

I don’t know if I’m misconstruing anything but I’ve always felt she prefers DH’s SIL more as she gave them their first grandchild etc.

That’s quite stupid when I read back but I have felt like it. I’m not fighting to be ‘favourite’ but I’d like to feel we were liked the same amount?

I don’t know. Has anyone else ever felt like this? I do feel there’s a certain favouritism there

Ps: me and DH will eventually have kids. Planning to TTC from next year onwards so I know one day we’ll ‘give them a grandchild’ but I’d like to just be liked for me and not feel like less part of the family because of this

Yup, same position here, but we have kids. It’s pretty painfully obvious but I try not to let it bother me as my kids haven’t seemed to notice; which is the saving grace.

try not to care. Being her Number one DIL doesnt sound like an award you need.

Yeah I’m not really aiming to be number 1! It’s more I just wish it felt equal? And like we were both liked equally

I mentioned it to DH who said she definitely prefers me and that she doesn’t even really like other DIL. Which made me think he just assumed I wanted to be favourite and missed my point!

The fact I have social anxiety doesn’t help. As I constantly worry if people like me or not

Sadly I have only realised now that I am definitely the least favourite DIL because I am infertile. I always thought they were fond of me, and I have put so so much effort into my relationship with them over the years, but they have now made it extremely explicit that their other DILs are all far superior because they provided grandchildren of their bloodline. I feel so foolish and upset, and wish I had been more observant and reflective over the years.

Is it not just the child? She's probably besotted with the child and wants to spend more time/ have more contact with them?

Is this worth your while contemplating?

Maybe she prefers SIL, that’s her preference. So what. Maybe they just have a better connection.

@Carrottop73 I mean , probably not. I try to stop but I am a worrier regarding what people think of me

And as DH is so important to me I would hope I’m liked by his family their opinion of me matters, I believe anyway

My DP's mum definitely prefers my SIL. It's fine - they've got loads more in common, they 'spark' more, and my SIL really likes her more in return.

No big deal. I'm her son's partner, so we need to get on for his sake (and we're fond of each other, despite being very different) but it doesn't need to be more than that.

As long as she's not rude about it!

TBF, my MIL and SIL have grown closer since the advent of The Golden Child.

Also fine by me - not massively keen to be included in the interminable "Oh, isn't she the most miraculous child ever" conversations. She a perfectly lovely child, by the way. It's just I've already got 6 nieces/nephews, so it's hard to get excited.

Could it be that you are just picking up that she is investing more into the other DiL at the moment because of the grandchild? Sometimes mums of sons worry they will be second best grandmother next to the mother's own mother. Perhaps she is trying to really cement her relationship with other DiL in order to be an equal grandparent. If so, it's probably no reflection of her feelings towards you at all and more a case of trying to combat her own insecurities?

@CabernetSoWhat yes she has mentioned she feels like she doesn’t get involved as much as SIL mother does

Maybe it is to try and get more time with her DGC! I hope so and it’s not a case of favouritism

I wouldn’t let this bother me for one second. You need to get along as it will make everyone’s lives easier, but it doesn’t matter for a second. Some people just bounce off each other better, have more in common, same sense of humour, etc. There’s no better or worse. As long as she likes you enough and enjoys your company then it doesn’t matter if the other SIL is her best friend.

God my mother in law barely tolerated me and much preferred my sil. Loved her in fact. I honestly gave not a shit. Neither did my other sil, we get on great. So the whole thing was nothing more than a shrug and raised eye brow from both of us.

You need to work out why you care so much. This isn’t about your mil and who she prefers, it’s about you and why it would be an issue for you.

I had this for a while, my MIL spent every waking hour with my BIL and his wife and kids (one kid wasn't his, but the second was first grandchild). We were left out of meals, trips, phone calls went unanswered, any plans we did make were cancelled last minute due to some drama or help they needed (for example they needed help bathing the kids, both my MIL and FIL would go round to help bath a 4 year old and a baby - no one had any MH or SEN issues). In the end we gave up trying to see them/get attention after I had a miscarriage and they all went out for lunch together yog cheer one another up....whilst I was in a hospital bed losing my baby.

Was devastating as I like you want to be liked and have social anxiety.

Eventually SIL showed her true colours (absolutely psychopath and disappeared). Suddenly MIL very interested in being involved (I have since had a baby).
I resented it at first but after a long chat about how I'd been feeling etc we got everything out in the open and it's much better. MIL had felt she had to support SIL and BIL as turns out they were lazy and incompetent parents who were at each other's throats all the time, and MIL was trying (in her own way) to keep them together for the kids and help to eleviate arguments by basically being 3rd and 4th parents, but were to embarrassed by their sons behaviour that they didn't let on!

Maybe she is, but as long as they ate nice to you I wouldn't let it bother you.

I know that I'm the favourite DIL of my inlaws and it's not because I gave them their first DGC, as they have GC old enough to be parents of my DC.

The inlaws do like the other DILS, but sometimes people get on with some people more than others.

Try not to worry about it.

Do you want to spend more time with her??

I am pretty sure my MIL likes my SIL better but that’s ok with me. We get along fine but if we spent more time together we probably wouldn’t as we don’t have a huge amount in common.

Work out what you want your relationship with her to be like. If it meets that expectation then try not to worry about her relationship with others

We have this too. My BIL and SIL live close by and dump the grandkids on MIL at every opportunity so they are all very close. PIL come to us to moan but never say no. We live at a distance so never do the same, and they clearly prefer the reliance their other DIL has on them.

Ah, yes. MIL is no longer with us but I was certainly the least favoured of her two DILs. I managed not to be too resentful of it as the other DIL is one of the nicest people I know. Also MIL and I were too different to ever be close. I did give MIL her first grandchild, so I got some brownie points there

I'm the same, the other DIL and my MIL get on better - they just understand each other as they seem to be cut from the same cloth. It used to piss me off but now I'm glad as I'm let off the hook and MIL is moving next to them so even better. Ours is a more formal relationship but it's respectful and warm.

Id say accept it and there will be advantages later on. Carve out your own relationship with your MIL, and concentrate on those who's favourite you are xx

I was always my FILs favourite. He couldn't stand the other DIL, he could be very short with her. While I could do no wrong. But my MIL is always much more welcoming to the other DIL. Always paid her compliments, gave her hugs ect. Which I never got, so I did start to feel that she didn't like me. As I got to know her better it became apparent this was because she was making up for her DHs rudeness to the other DIL. Plus the fact she doesn't like the other DIL much at all, herself and was compensating. It was a big show for her sons sake. She really sees spending time with this woman as a duty. I don't think the other DIL knows this. I don't think my MIL feels the need to make a show of liking me. Although we will never be close. I am much more formal with her than she would like. I am her prefered DIL if her ideal one.

I really couldn’t get worked up over it not being ‘fair’ - life isn’t fair. She isn’t going to like you both equally. My MIL ‘favours’ my SIL who has been in the family a lot longer, as PP said they have similar hobbies & tbh SIL is a bloody lovely woman!
I’m perfectly fine with not being the favourite, she is my MIL and we don’t have a massively close relationship nor do I need that.

I’m the least favoured in-law by a mile! I care not a jot! We have nothing in common at all except my husband......I don’t ever give them an inch of headspace.

Maybe she is being extra nice to the other DIL because she wants access to her grandchild.

My MIL uses her affection and approval as a way to manipulate. She plays favourites with me and other DIL. She also does it with her sons and her grandchildren. I stopped caring about winning her approval years ago. 😁

My MIL and FIL too both think the sun shines out of the other DIL's backside. DP's brother is the golden child. All the can ever talk about is them and theyll go running off to them at every opportunity. No one else matters.

They were desperate for a DD and had all boys. DP and i have one of each and theyre not intrested in either. Sil is now pregnant and its all they talk about, post online about etc. Mine are already treated differently and babys not even here yet

Ive gotten alot cooler with them in the last 18months. I refuse to do a 'pick me' dance. Plus watching my dp get upset because he feels like hes not good enough for them and hes ignored is hard for me to forget. I wouldn't be sad if they fell down a well.