I've left my partner after 14 years. We've had a very up and down relationship for a long time. I've discussed some things with my closest friend and she's told me that my ex had some abusive behaviour towards me and I'm after some other opinions on it.
I don't know where to start, and it's likely to be rambly, so I apologise in advance.
I'll start with the argument that made me eventually leave.... He's always been insecure and would periodically ask me if I still loved him, and tell me he felt he wasnt enough for me... I'd always reply that of course I loved him. I'd chosen to have children with him and was desperate to get married to him.
He started a few weeks back to question why I always seemed to come out from our sons bedroom at the same time as he would get up off the sofa/go to the loo/kitchen. I've always done every bedtime for both kids and have always laid with our son until he fell asleep. I told ex he was being daft, there's no correlation between me leaving the room and him getting up, and that I was simply lying on the dark waiting for our son to fall asleep. he then said I always seemed angry then and stormed around tidying up the living room and kitchen. It was suspicious to him. I tried to explain I was a bit Angry that I had to tidy up as well as doing bedtime. One evening, while I was lying in bed with ds, I heard ex come upstairs, into our bedroom, then straight back down. I looked at Ds, he was asleep so I left his bedroom. Ex was stood at bottom of stairs and said something like 'i didn't even get downstairs!' I told him I felt like he was trying to catch me out or something. The next morning I received this text.....
Time of year again isn't it coming up to DD birthday an you want to argue an split up you took her away from me for her second birthday of which I will never forget, what has Snapchat or Instagram got anything to do with asking you a f.....ng question.... Accused me of sneaking round the house, to turn the heating on in my bedroom of my house your an absolute joke thinking this is my fault if you could answer would be something but no,,, stamping round the house same cleaning rush every time it's not that I don't trust you honestly I would have gone a long time ago if I thought for one second you would even touch another man, but there's definitely something going on in that messed up head of yours....
The reason I 'accused him' of trying to catch me out is that for about 2/3 months last year, he actually left old phones around the house voice recording me while he was at work, while I was sleeping an while I was showering. He was absolutely convinced he could hear things on these recordings, despite his best friend telling him there was no noises on them. We had major arguments during that period but I stayed as I was concerned for his mental health. He was adamant he could hear me whispering sexual things. I would go to bed and he would stand in the spare room in the dark listening to me... Or sit on the stairs listening to me. Then get angry at me for 'catching' him when I got up for a drink or wee. It sounds insane, I know. He would spend all his waking time in the garage, he told me he was tidying and having a rest from work. I begged and pleaded with him to come in and spend time with us as a family, this was before I realised he'd been recording me. He was actually analysing the recordings up the garage. He was 100% sure I was cheating on him. Adamant. I dreaded coming home from work. I got anxious about showering cz I didn't know if he was recording me. I eventually told him I felt so uncomfortable in my house. He sort of apologised and said he wouldn't do it again.
We tried to move on from it but never really talked about it in length. I didn't want to bring it up because I felt like hed turn it on me and say the reason I was so upset by it was because I was hiding something.
this year during the lockdown and everything else, we've been okay ish. Not as many arguments. He was furloughed for months which resulted in an unhealthy amount of time spent on PS. I'd come home from work and barely any housework been done so I did it. I bathed the kids cz he said he didn't see why he should. I cooked 4-5 times a week. He did 2-3 times. I did all the home schooling with the kids on my days off.
So when these arguments began again, I'll admit I panicked. Possibly over reacted to his 'questions'. But I just couldn't bare being made so anxious and uncomfortable in my Own house again. My privacy and trust was completely violated. But he still thinks he was right in doing so because I was acting 'suspicious'. So we didn't speak to each other properly for almost a week after he sent me that text. I asked him if he wanted to call a truce and talk but he said no. He said our relationship was over. Next thing I knew his status on FB was changed to single along with a posed photo of him showing his muscles through his t-shirt. My parents phoned me and asked if I was okay, I moved out with the kids that night. To my parents.
The other thing my friend says is not on, is his constant complaining about lack of sex. We had sex at least weekly, most weeks 2-3 times. But I'd still receive texts asking me why we weren't having sex, nasty texts like 'obviously sex once a week is enough for you then!!!' or 'ive done loads to help round the house this weekend, and still no sex!'.
Once we went on a holiday and didn't have sex at all that week.... A boat holiday that meant we shared a room with the kids. He didn't actually brush his teeth that week... Told me he couldn't find his toothbrush that was next to the sink.... So he used his finger to rub toothpaste around. He told me I'd ruined his holiday by being distant.
There's loads more I could write but I'd be here for hours. Does this sound like an abusive relationship to anyone?
The more I listen to my friend the more I think she's right but I don't know if it's also my fault because I'm an argumentative sort of person. Strongly opinionated. I am tired a lot of the time (Ds doesn't sleep through). I am grumpy after work - very stressful during pandemic. I do shout at the kids when they won't sleep .... Something he absolutely hated and told me lots of times he felt sorry for the kids having their mum shouting at them at bedtime.
Regardless, our relationship is over anyway. I am certain of it. I am over the drama, haven't got the energy to be in a fiery relationship anymore. The way he has been after this breakup has cemented even further what I already knew about him being selfish and putting himself first.
I just wanted others opinions. Sorry it's sooooo long. Once I started it was hard to stop x