Please advise me what to do

[Dogatetheleftovers]

I’ve name changed for this post as I’m worried it could be outing. We’ve had a horrible Christmas so far. DH has, for longest time, been aggressive, touchy, self centred and yesterday it all blew up. Teenage DCs were bickering but instead of diffusing things, DH overreacted and was intimidating, shouting and telling DC to leave home so they weren’t his problem any more. For context, DC has significant MH problems and is very vulnerable. My other DC is autistic and suffers with severe anxiety and was frozen with fear and anger yesterday. My oldest DC resents the fact that their siblings don’t want their dad around and is starting to get angry with us. I’ve explained that everyone has confused feelings, anger, despair, hurt etc but we all need to appreciate how tough things are for one another. I’m not sure where DH is today as he worked overnight. He is such a volatile character and is impossible to talk things through with him without him playing the victim and that everyone is blaming him, I’m taking the kids’ sides etc. He is intimidating and has been physically violent with me once before which kids didn’t know about until yesterday. Now my youngest two cannot forgive him and feel that the fear they have is justified whereas eldest DC shrugged it off, said that their dad is sorry and we should let him come home. I’m scared. DH is not an easy person to talk to, isn’t caring or loving and I’m so angry that he told our precious, fragile child to leave home. This is exactly why we feel he puts his own needs first, cannot be the calm, mature parent who will always be there for their children no matter what. My DCs all have disabilities and life is stressful and very tough, I have chronic health problems and I’m scared what to do next. I don’t want him home but I also am scared how the DCs will each cope with the unfolding situation. I also don’t know how I can expect him to stay away when he’s the one who works, I am a full time carer. He told me yesterday it’s fine if we split up but he’ll stay in the house until it’s sold. I explained that we must put the DCs first and what they need but he doesn’t seem to get that and the red mist comes down. Please help someone, I have no one to talk to in real life.

Have you any family or best friend you can go to?

www.dvassist.org.uk/

I wonder if these can help you op? You can get him removed from the home if he won't leave. It might sound like a lot, but it might be the best thing for you. Women's aid or a local women's shelter might be able to advise you better. It doesn't matter if it's been a long since he was physically violent... His behaviour is abusive. I'm sorry you're scared. It's very understandable xx

Thank you for your messages and understanding. I have no-one in real life, being a long term carer is very isolating and people drift away. I’ve just spoken to DH, he says he regrets DCs being scared and that the pressures of work and home have probably got in top of him but it’s not like he’s angry every day. I explained that it happens too often and even once is enough if your child is scared. He’s referring himself to occupational health at work but I’m not sure what that will achieve. My eldest DC is getting so resentful about me and his siblings not wanting DH to be at home but I keep explaining that they need to feel safe which they don’t when he’s around. I’m so confused and trying to hold it together. Each child needs me in such different ways. My autistic DC sees things differently, and struggles to contain their feelings. My DC with mental illness is utterly spent and bereft, saying they don’t have the strength to cope with this on top of struggling with their own health problems. I feel sick. We wanted Christmas to be so nice and it’s devastating. DH gone to work again now for night shift so at least we have that space and time away from him. Until tomorrow though and then it will start again.