Family Over Me

[DoDeDoDe]

My relationship with my DW has been strained for over a year. We have been sexless for a while, we have struggled with resolving it. Lockdown has been tough, I've suffered mentally and I am receiving help. I don't feel she has been that supportive - along the lines of "just get on with it". We are only late 30s, no DC.

Earlier in the relationship (we have been together over a decade) she supported her parents who were in ill health and needed support. This meant we didn't get that much time as a couple. I filled my time with projects which helped us financially. A few years ago, sadly one of her parents passed and the support she gave reduced.

We had couples counselling but I felt it wasn't resolving much, I said I was struggling to see how we can resolve it. Things have been cold but amicable since. Our plan was to spend Christmas at each of our parents for the window.

Now I don't want this to be about COVID rules - she decided to leave early. Then on Saturday I was placed in tier 4. I'm utterly shattered. I've always enjoyed Christmas and hosting and having a full and busy house. I've spent the last week just feeling numb. I am alone, and feel abandoned. She asks me how I am and I say "Im ok".. but she must know deep down that I'm not. She says she will come back in a week, and we can celebrate Christmas then.

My family are upset that she hasn't changed her plans. Their argument is that she had spent time with her family, and that she still could have come back to help me. Help :(

Anyone...

Sorry, a little confused. Are you at home on your own and DW gone to her parents? Could you have gone with her? Whatever, being on your own at Christmas is horrible

I know you don’t want to make it about covid but did her plans change because of the rules change?

She left before the announcement - she was breaking the rules yes, My plan was to leave on the 24th, come back on the 27th. So we were both planning to spend Christmas with our own respective families.

But the Tier 4 change came in and I then couldn't go. But she had already left. So I have been on my own for a week. She could have come back after a few days of being with her family but she hasn't.

Just so low. I've not really eaten properly all week. I cant face opening the few presents I did get so they are just sitting there.

You both sound more invested in your parents than in each other.

Christmas and covid aside, your marriage is broken, and it's hard to understand why you're still together, especially since you have no children. Sometimes relationships and marriages just don't work and for the sake of everyone's happiness, they need to end. Life shouldn't be this joyless, op, and it seems your marriage is only bringing you pain. You are far too young to be wasting your life like this.

But make yourself a nice dinner - open a bottle of wine - it's only a few days, no need to get in a state.

your relationship is over. She will be coming home to resume your cold but amicable rerlationship. You both deserve better.
Start 2021 with a clean break and give both you and her a chance to find someone who makes you happy, It shouldn't be this difficult

I think that the relationship is over. It sounds as though it has been unhappy for a long tome You yourself told her her that you saw no future in the relationship why would she come back?

I think that when you write
We had couples counselling but I felt it wasn't resolving much, I said I was struggling to see how we can resolve it
She must have taken this for the final nail in the coffin for the relationship and that there was nothing left.

I think you need to look at how best to separate and start 2021 with a clean slate

So as an update.

Christmas was exceptionally hard for me. 10 days alone, spent alot of time feeling alone and in tears. I had a lovely neighbour support me, keep an eye on me etc. To the poster who said "it's only a few days" .. go away. Christmas has always been a huge event for me, large family. Spending it alone hit me hard, it's hard to admit it but please dont play down my feelings.

My DW came back. She was in a happy mood. I asked her how it was for her and she said it was tough being with her family for such a long time. We spent a bit of time talking about her family. I was pretty down for the first couple of days. She never once asked me how I was. Two days later we were in the supermarket together and a member of staff asked me how my christmas was. It broke me..I realised that was the first time I had been asked and it was from someone who doesnt know me.

She even said 'oh the neighbour mentioned to me that you were broken over Christmas'.. before walking off. I spent two days cleaning house top to bottom and doing all the washing and ironing etc. Not a word of thanks.

So yes, she clearly has no interest in my welfare anymore.

But she has asked for me to move back into the main bedroom. So she doesnt want to separate. Or does she.

But what do YOU want?You're letting her have all the power here.

I want to leave. I feel unsupported. But I doubt myself, maybe I'm asking too much. I've never been in another LTR so I dont know.

Also .. I'm scared of loneliness. Those were some very dark days on my own and so why put myself in that position out of choice. Whilst I felt unhappy when she returned because she didnt seem to care, I didnt feel lonely anymore

You should leave.