How do I build myself up?

[Tortoise22]

My relationship is a disaster and I'm pretty sure I need to leave. I think the first step is to better build up my own independence so that I have a life apart from him. The problem is that he is quite controlling and I don't know how to do this whilst our lives are so entwined. Plus covid restrictions meaning that there's limited options for getting out. Do I just cut and leave with the kids?

We have two children - 3months and 3years old. My mental health is not in a great place which makes everything more difficult.

Financially is the main way of becoming independent. That gives you freedom. Do you have a job you’re on maternity leave from? Do you have family support nearby?

I'm on maternity leave. Was planning on being off for a year. I have savings in my name.

My family are spread around the country, my parents are 2.5hours away, siblings are all at least 2 hours drive away.

It's difficult because being in an abusive relationship prevents you from building independence, caring for your mental health, building your confidence etc. Those are ways he maintains control of you so he will sabotage any efforts you make.

It would be better to leave and then work on rebuilding yourself. I know that's not easy (I've had to do it myself) but it is a means to an end.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

That would probably be a good start to help you make a safe exit plan. Some controlling men only become violent for the first time when you try to leave - when you leave they lose all their control of you so they try to stop you.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

Thanks both for your responses. I find it really hard to know whether it is an abusive relationship or not. I know it was a few years ago after our first child was born but things got a lot better. My mental health is so messed up at the moment that I find it hard to judge what is normal.

Well, it's unlikely that an abusive relationship stops being abusive. It's more likely that you have developed strategies to avoid conflict and have changed your behaviours than he has stopped. And you say he is controlling - coercive control is abusive.

I think it's really hard to rebuild yourself while still living in an abusive relationship - it's like you're bailing out a rowing boat, while he's pouring buckets back into it.

Returning to work earlier might be one way forward - seeing people, external validation, having time away from him.