How to break this pattern? I’m lost

[LanaLielaLie]

Please be gentle with me. I’m aware that this thread won’t attract much sympathy.

I keep repeating the same old mistakes. I get involved with men who are taken and then I end up heartbroken. Most recently, the man left his long term partner for me and then suddenly recoiled and decided that he needed time to fix himself despite telling me he loves me and planning all sorts of things in the future with me.

Why do I only feel worthy of these scraps? I feel like there’s no hope for me. I’m devastated.

Work on improving your self esteem. There are a number of threads on Mumsnet about how to do that, that you can search for.

Make the choice to stop going for men in relationships. Why would you want a man who is a cheater? Why do you want to be a participant in damaging other people’s relationships / families? If this is an ongoing behaviour, look at getting some therapy.

Why would you want to wreck other people's relationships? My ex friend did this with my now ex husband and its ruined my mental health and my kids lives.

Work on getting a bit more self respect.

I don’t set out to wreck relationships. I really don’t. I suppose I just don’t feel worthy of the real deal. And naively I think that if someone is not “mine” fully then I can’t get hurt. It doesn’t work though. It’s soul destroying and damaging for everyone.

No that's what my so called friend said as well. That she was just a friend etc etc

You need to get some therapy or help for your self esteem and self respect issues. Whilst the man is the blame as well you should really be thinking how would you honestly feel if it was roles reversed.

I don’t set out to wreck relationships

Yes you do. By making the choice to be with someone who is already in a relationship, that is exactly what you are doing. Take ownership of that and you can start to make better choices for yourself.

I mean that kindly. You can choose to change your behaviour. No-one has a gun to your head forcing you to date these men. You know that.

@Fearandsurprise

I don’t set out to wreck relationships

Yes you do. By making the choice to be with someone who is already in a relationship, that is exactly what you are doing. Take ownership of that and you can start to make better choices for yourself.

I mean that kindly. You can choose to change your behaviour. No-one has a gun to your head forcing you to date these men. You know that.

This.

You say you hate that this is how you are.

So what have you actively done to work on changing it?

Have you had counselling?

One of my friends was like this in our early twenties and counselling helped her realise that she felt validated and very attractive if someone was willing to risk their relationship for her. Which is all kinds of fucked up but meant she could work on it. And realised that most of the time they don't leave their wife, so they are willing to risk the wife finding out, but not willing to actually have a relationship with her. So what she felt was validation was actually her being viewed as someone worthy of sex but not love.

She isn't a very nice person and we aren't friends any more for a variety of reasons but to her credit once she uncovered that in counselling and worked on it, she did stop having relationships with unavailable men.

Could that underlying reason be the same for you?

@LanaLielaLie you are addicted to liars.
Short time it makes you feel important but it's all part of the lie.

You need actually help. There is sex, love addiction classes , like AA but for love addiction this will help you understand.

It's definitely because you have a low self-esteem.

You need to work on your self worth and learn to be truely happy single.

No man already in a relationship will add value to your life

@MNHQ
The OP is posting on another persons thread saying she is feeling suicidal. It might be a good idea to hide this thread in case it causes her distress.

There's a saying that goes something like :
If you always do what you've always done , then your always get what you've always got.
This applies to you in as much as you go for attached men, who are obviously looking for an affair ( or sideline ) they don't plan to have a respectful meaningful relationship with you , so perhaps you don't see yourself as a worthy candidate for a proper fulfilling one.
Give men a miss for awhile and work on your own true worth.