Christmas always reminds me how fragmented my family is

[asadchristmas]

I'm 22 and live at home. Christmas was spent with just my household (parents and siblings). Every Christmas in the evening I always feel a bit deflated and sad and reflective and I just want to get it off my chest.

Every year my Dad stays in his office whilst everyone else opens presents. Within around 30 minutes my siblings have taken their presents back into their bedrooms and are back on their playstations/phones. They then stay up there all day. Then I take my Dad's presents to him in his office and he opens the presents I have given him and always makes some kind of rude or hurtful comment. Last year it was "I hope this is not a new wallet as I don't want a new one" when it was in fact, a new wallet. This year money has been really tight (as it has for most people I'm sure) and therefore his presents were quite modest and after he finished unwrapping them he said "so where's the rest?" as a "joke" but it's just hurtful. My siblings are also rude about the presents I get them, they don't mean to be but when I get a present even if I hate it I would never say anything negative about it.

Christmas lunch and my Dad eats in his office and siblings eat in their bedrooms so it's just me and my Mum downstairs in the dining room. I make myself sit downstairs in the living room or kitchen all day as I feel like Christmas should be social but I'm completely alone and bored, I suggest films or games to everyone and nobody wants to do anything. I suggest we all go for a walk with our dogs every year and every year I end up going alone. I pass happy families on walks together and I just feel so sad. I am so grateful to have a family and so grateful we can be together and are healthy but I just wish we would do things as a family. I feel like I have been counting down the minutes until midnight so I can give up sitting downstairs and go into my bedroom and write off yet another Christmas Day.

Sorry, I know in the grand scheme of things, particularly this year, all my complaints are silly when people are not able to spend Christmas with loved ones at all and here I am moaning about my family but I just want to vent.

It's not fragmented, it's dysfunctional and toxic. You're very young still and it's awful you have to put up with this.

How old are your siblings? What's your relationship with your Mum like?

@FortunesFave My sister is 20 and brother is 23.

My relationship with my Mum is good thankfully. I have brought up how sad I find our family's Christmases before a few years ago and she said "oh they're typical teenagers, of course they don't want to sit downstairs!" but they're adults now and it's still the same. My Dad has spent every Christmas alone in his office since I can remember so I guess how can I expect my siblings to be any different?

To be honest it's not even just Christmas, it's everything. Even on birthdays my siblings usually drop out of going to my birthday meal (pre-COVID) and my Dad never comes so it's just me and my Mum. When I graduated it was just me and my Mum.

I need to just accept it and lower my expectations but I can't for some reason.

One day, if you have your own family, you can break the chain...you can make your own family with a man who shares and enjoys time with his kids and partner. But you've years yet...try to enjoy things for what they are. Your Mum and you...make your own traditions.x

That really is awful. I don't have the best time at Christmas either but you know what? I've decided I'll break the chain and you should make a commitment to do so too ❤️ when I have my kids and my own family (which is hopefully soon lol) Christmas time will be all about family, fun, togetherness and love. Merry Christmas honey, incase no one has said it to you yet x

That's shit. But... You can't change your dad or your siblings (to be honest your dad sounds awful. Are your siblings following his lead or is it a behaviour to avoid your dad?) On the brightside you have your mum. I would focus on her and make your time with her as enjoyable as possible. If your siblings were open to if you could ask them to join you as it would mean a lot to you but it depends on how they are in general. Plus move out, go find some great people.

How old are you?

It sounds awful and I feel sorry for your mum too, it seems your dad sets the tone with his behaviour.

Agree about breaking the chain, big hugs

As soon as you can, move out. Move away. It's not normal. No need to burn down the road behind you when you move on - just cheerfully go on an live another life.

I speak from experience.

Seems to me that the bright spot in all of this is you! Your dad set the pace, your siblings have followed and your mum cannot or will not challange or change it.
You want different. You will create it. You own your future. It will be lovely. Happy Christmas op.

It’s sounds very toxic and dysfunctional OP. I am sorry that your Christmas was spent like this. What is life like at home when it’s not Christmas?

I agree with making a better life for yourself. Your dad staying in his office is terribly strange. Next year I would consider volunteering somewhere (maybe your mum might like to go with you)

How do your mum and dad get on usually? It sounds like everyone is fine with this strange arrangement except you (totally understandably- I’d hate it too).

I don’t think you can change your family but perhaps aim to be with a different group of people next Christmas - a group of friends or with another family who would welcome you. Your idea of Christmas is so different to that of your family. Your view is much more on par with how the majority feel I think - they are the ones who are more odd with how they do it. Your dad sounds particularly at the heart of this and rather toxic. Your mum sounds ineffectual. Do you think she cares really, is beaten down to think this is fine? (I assume she cooks). Or do you think she genuinely doesn’t care?

Perhaps you and your mum could move out & leave them to it, sounds like she’s lucky to have you.

Tell your mum not to stay with your dad for the kids’ sake.

That's definitely not normal. Even DS 14 made a huge effort yesterday and we did a family walk, a zoom quiz with other extended family members and watched a film together.

I'm an only DC so Christmas was quite low key and I absolutely love spending time with DHs extended family at Christmas (Sadly not this year) where we play games and open all our presents together.

It sounds like your DF is generally a selfish and unpleasant man and your siblings are just following his lead.

With your siblings I'd be giving them a tough talking to - they are old enough to know better? (Or maybe they aren't if they see that kind of behaviour is acceptable from their father?)

I'd suggest telling your dad a few home truths but he sounds so set in his ways that it won't make a difference either

I'm sorry OP. As others have said, you control your own future. I feel sorry for your mum more.

Jeez what miserable buggers.
I blame your grandparents.
What PP have said, plan something fun with your M next year, eat out maybe? But ultimately you'll have your own home and can have a totally different time then.

Wow thank you for all of the replies. It feels so validating to hear that none of this is normal and life doesn't have to be like this in the future.

I definitely vow to break the chain when I have my own family. In the meantime I am trying all I can to educate myself on why my family has ended up how it has so I can prevent it in the future.

I think part of the reason why I haven't moved out yet is because I feel guilty leaving my Mum in this situation.

@SheRaTheAllPowerful I'm 22

@Cantmakeupmind Pretty much the same as Christmas, everyone in their rooms/office all the time.

@AtlasPine My parents argue constantly but they won't get divorced. My Mum has told me she would love my Dad to leave her but she won't be the one to leave him. She doesn't like conflict so I think she has just buried her feelings down and pretends everything is fine.

@ivfbeenbusy The idea of confronting my Dad is something I have never even thought about before as it's so ingrained that this is normal and what fathers are like. The thing is when I think about it, if he sat with us there would just be arguments so it's probably for the best that he is in his office. I am 99% sure he has NPD. I have tried to speak to my siblings but they just shut me down and make it seem like I'm pathetic for wanting to spend time together.

OP your DM has - to an extent- chosen this life. She could leave your DF, but she chooses not too. Please don't put your life on hold because of it. Who knows if you move out, your DM might be motivated to make the change.

With that update it's a bit clearer. You mum has chosen this life. She's an adult you don't have to save or protect her.

I like a PPs suggestion of volunteering next year. Once you have your own family it'll be harder to do so do it now. Don't spend next Christmas with your dysfunctional family. Have a lovely time helping others, the true spirit of Christmas.

Oh and defo move out asap