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Original poster

Should i leave him please help?

26 replies

Smitten1 · 25/12/2020 23:10

I have 2 children aged 8 and 10. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years he is the most amazing person to me we have fun together he is my best friend however when it comes to my kids he just isnt being the person i want him to be. He has 2 kids of his own they are older now and mine are still quite young. My kids are with me everyday during the week and they go to their dads every weekend. My boyfriend comes to mine 3 days during the week and i spend the weekend at his with his children as his children stay at his every weekend. Right from the go he didnt show much interest in my children but i thought as he gets to know them things would change. We are now 5 years down the line and he still shows no interest in my kids. My son is 8 and daughter 10 he never messes around with them or plays with them or nothing he hasnt even ever sat and had a proper conversation with them. I started to think maybe its because i dont get a weekend with my children if i did then we could all go out and do things and maybe that would change things but he still see's my children 3 evenings a week but just doesnt bother. Anyway this morning upset me the most (christmas morning) My boyfriend stayed over last night as he wanted to wake up christmas day with us..my kids woke up around 8am and came running into my bedroom saying santas been. I woke up excited for them and tapped my bf to wake him up i said my kids are up and wanna open their presents are you gonna come and watch..he said give me 10 mins then went back to sleep and never bothered to get up til 11 he missed them opening their presents..my children asked why he wasnt coming to watch them open the presents, and when he did get up he didnt say sorry or anything just got up made a coffee and sat in the bedroom. I felt like crying. He has never stayed at mine at christmas before and im so gutted that he did this to us. He went home later that morning and phoned me and i could hear his kids were at his opening their presents and he was getting really involved. I mentioned it to him later on in the day as it was playing on my mind and he said he thought that i wanted to open the presents on my own with my kids! To me it seems he doesnt care. Im so confused now this is a big red flag for me and i feel really different about him now..am i overreacting?

OP posts:
MorbidPodcastFan · 25/12/2020 23:17

I dont think you are overreacting.
I actually cant understand why youre inviting this man into your childrens home. What do you think theyre learning from his behaviour?

Original poster
Smitten1 · 25/12/2020 23:29

I hear what your saying he has always told me that my children are important to him, and he is a really kind person he painted my daughters bedroom for her coz she hated her room and it was upsetting her especially through lockdown. And if he comes over mine and brings food he always brings them food aswell etc so i think oh he does care but then other things he does makes me think he doesnt like never spending quality time with them and this whole christmas thing has completely got me depressed. My kids do like him and they always say he is a nice person but this just isnt right

OP posts:
honeybooboo1394 · 25/12/2020 23:33

@Smitten1

I hear what your saying he has always told me that my children are important to him, and he is a really kind person he painted my daughters bedroom for her coz she hated her room and it was upsetting her especially through lockdown. And if he comes over mine and brings food he always brings them food aswell etc so i think oh he does care but then other things he does makes me think he doesnt like never spending quality time with them and this whole christmas thing has completely got me depressed. My kids do like him and they always say he is a nice person but this just isnt right
I think talk to him after the Christmas period about your doubts and worries. Some people are very oblivious to things meaning he may not even be aware he's coming across this way. He sounds like a nice person from what you described. Hope things get sorted for you @Smitten1 , merry Christmas xx
Dery · 25/12/2020 23:36

Yes, I think you need to end it. It’s really not good enough. If he has kids of his own, he should understand the need to interact. But maybe he was a crap father. I don’t understand how he could be so detached from children who he’s been around since they were 3 and 5.

Nomoresleeps · 25/12/2020 23:37

If he hasn’t shown an interest in five years I don’t think he is suddenly going to do so.

Even if you pulled him up on it, he might put on an act for a bit but wouldn’t be able to sustain it if he is genuinely not interested.

Also he can’t be totally clueless if he has children of his own and is capable of being an involved parent with them.

I would also be hurt if I were you and I think it’s a big deal.

FrankRattlesnake · 25/12/2020 23:38

I don’t understand why he stayed over if he wasn’t going to participate in the mornings activities - did you not discuss it beforehand?

Also I don’t think he was that involved in his kids present opening if he was on the phone to you.

I would be worried about his lack of interest especially communicating with them.

Original poster
Smitten1 · 25/12/2020 23:51

We didnt discuss the morning at all i just thought it was standard that he would get up and watch them open their presents as thats what christmas is all about..he is a fantastic father to his 2 kids which upsets me more he is so different around them he interacts with his kids he takes them out and has fun with them. He was on the phone to me coz i get along really well with his kids and i asked him to phone me so i could wish them a merry christmas. I also think he isnt going to change. He has always said the kids have a dad and he doesnt want to step on my kids dads toes but he isnt even being a friend. He may do the odd thing here and there for them but never plays with them my son is a gamer and would love it if my bf grabbed the contoller and had a game of fifa or something with him. He just doesnt bother and its real sad coz i imagined being with him forever but i just cant my kids have to come first and ive held on for too long hoping things will change.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 26/12/2020 00:04

OP, It seems as if he is very guarded and stingy about the amount of time or attention he spends on your children, perhaps it makes him feel guilty for not doing enough for his own children🤔
Is it that he's generally ok but this Christmas has been bad could some of that be due to the extra stress of everything at the moment
(not that I'm saying it's ok to be rude and snub your children like that!)

jessstan1 · 26/12/2020 00:52

I don't understand why he wanted to wake up with you and your family this morning, when he did nothing.

All I can say is don't consider setting up home with the man, just keep him as your boyfriend. I also wouldn't want to spend every weekend with him and his children, frankly.

stuffedforchristmas · 26/12/2020 01:55

I don't think you've talked to him nearly enough about your hopes or taken on board that he simply doesn't see a role for himself with your kids. You need to talk openly.

It's quite hard to build a relationship with a gamer because their eyes are on a screen and it doesn't come over as open to a relationship. You need to talk about all of this.

If he's nice, maybe he can change but it does seem like perhaps you have targets he doesn't know about and wouldn't want to meet.

BlueThistles · 26/12/2020 02:03

This is not a blended Family... this is a man in a relationship with a Mother only.. for 5 years he has shown you this is who he is... 5 fucking years you've allowed this man to do this to your children... seriously OP.. get him to fuck 🌺

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 26/12/2020 02:20

The questions I would be asking would not be of him but of your children.

If they feel loved and secure in his presence then all is not lost.

But indifference can be as crippling as outright dislike.

And a desire to spend Christmas with you all and then to miss the really important bits with the children seems dismissive. Of you all.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 26/12/2020 02:23

But if you really mean by no interest in your children is that he more or less ignores them then he should be gone.

You come as a package. He gets all of you or none of you.

GreenTiny22 · 26/12/2020 02:45

Well I just want to put this out there. I had a step dad and I never ever wanted him to act like my dad. I didn't have a close relationship with my dad but I still didn't want my mum's partner to take on that role. He's a very good man and now I'm older I appreciate all the things he did do for example when I couldn't get a taxi home from a night out as a teenager he literally walked about 3 miles to get me and walk me home... Things like that. Maybe he doesn't feel it's his place with you kids

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/12/2020 02:50

I find it sad that he’s there so much in the week and doesn’t have much to do with your children and his children are not getting time with just their Dad because you’re there at weekends.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/12/2020 02:51

I feel like it’s a taboo on mumsnet to say ‘what about the children?’
Children who have to put up with their problems in new relationships.

FreesiaFairy · 26/12/2020 03:28

That would upset me I think, he doesn't need to be 'acting like their dad' just to get up and get semi involved in present opening, he could have just made everyone a drink or something to show he was being friendly. Surely the point of having a partner is to enhance days (and especially days like Christmas) so if he's not doing that you might be happier it being just you and your kids? It does seem a bit unfair that you don't get to spend any weekends with your kids, and then you end up spending them all with his kids but that that's his fault but think might upset me a bit? x

FreesiaFairy · 26/12/2020 03:37

Also I don't think he's being much of a best friend if he's not acting too interested in your kids, they are a big chunk of who you are. It's such a shame when you get on well with him but I recon there's someone out there that will be a better fit for you all xx

Sunflower1970 · 26/12/2020 05:56

This doesn’t seem like a healthy family situation to me sorry. It doesn’t seem like he is interested in forming a bond with your kids at all. Not getting up with you all this morning is frankly totally out of order. It doesn’t matter if they already have a dad - he has a role as your partner. The fact he is so interactive with his kids and indifferent to yours is Just very worrying and maybe you have papered over this crack for too long

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2020 06:01

It sounds like he wants a relationship with you but not your children. That will never work.

Flower8 · 26/12/2020 08:08

Hmm this is tricky, my DP stayed over for the first time this Christmas and he didn't get up with us, mine got up very early though!

However when he did get up a little while later he was engaged and present asked what they got ect and he did apologise and said he was also struggling with the fact he wasn't with his kid's this year.

As a pp has mentioned my kid's couldn't give a hoot who was watching them open their gifts. But i think the fact he makes no effort what so ever any day of the week would bother me

okokok000 · 26/12/2020 11:07

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

The questions I would be asking would not be of him but of your children.

If they feel loved and secure in his presence then all is not lost.

But indifference can be as crippling as outright dislike.

And a desire to spend Christmas with you all and then to miss the really important bits with the children seems dismissive. Of you all.

This. Definitely ask subtlety.

I'm not sure I buy the "I thought you wanted to do it alone" line as you woke him up and asked.

Original poster
Smitten1 · 26/12/2020 13:45

Yes i think thats what it is if he was good with them during the year it prob wouldnt bother me that he didnt get up to watch them but to not make any effort throughout the year and not bother on the one day that would mean so much to us shows me that he really doesnt care about my kids. Last year we had christmas morning at his with his kids mine were at their dads and i got up to watch them open their presents i wanted to watch them and also even if i didnt really want to i would of done coz i would of felt really bad if i didnt.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 26/12/2020 13:47

So he sees you investing time and effort in his own children but he isn't willing to invest the same in yours
He sees you and your children as subordinate to him and his children
That's my take on this

RantyAnty · 26/12/2020 13:55

What does he actually do when he comes to yours?